My brother and other boy relatives used to play marbles as kids. My grandmother had reached the age when she started to give away some of her things which she wanted to go to certain relatives.  She gave me a jar of marbles which she had displayed for years and years. She said my dad even played with some of them. I am a bit backward when given things....not sure why exactly. Maybe I feel undeserving of gifts. Possibly when grandma gave me things it made me think of her dying when she would say, "I want you to have these because when I am gone, I don't know who will end up with them." Very nice of her to think of me, very depressing for me to think of her not being around, though. Well, a few months after she gave me the marbles, she became ill and had to go into a nursing home for a short while. When she came out, my sister picked her up to take her home. My grandmother, who had over the years a far better memory than my own, had noticed that the marbles were not where they usually were, shortly upon her arrival. "My marbles are gone! Someone took my marbles!" is the way my sister told several of the relatives things happened in an email she went home and composed and sent. I was one of the recipients of this message and titled....."Grandma Has Lost Her Marbles". The title, I agree, was quite hilarious. The content, which was veiled under concern for Grandma's lost marbles, was full of accusations. "Whoever took Grandma's beloved marbles needs to return them. They mean so much to her and she was very upset when she discovered they were missing. It is her desire to divide them up between all of the grandchildren. No questions will be asked. Just give Grandma back her marbles.

As I was reading this message, I remember feeling like I had been hit with a ton of marbles. I knew why I was one of the ones who received this email. When I was a kid--probably about nine years old, I had stolen a roll of quarters from a cousin who was, at that time, living with my Grandma. It was Thanksgiving Day and when the turkey was gone and the dishes were cleared and everyone had left the dining room, I went back into the room and grabbed the quarters I had been eyeing throughout our dinner and stuck them somewhere on my person. (I have no idea where, as I didn't carry a handbag at that age.) When my grandma called my parents later on that day about the missing money, they questioned each of us. I feel like my parents believed my sister got blamed for it. She was the "wild child" of the family. I, being the youngest and a better liar than she was at the time, batted my young eyelashes when asked and said..."I didn't take them." Years later when I was grown, I was visiting my sister and told her I was the culprit--that I took the roll of quarters which he left on the sideboard at least 30 years ago. It had been eating away at me for years and I always felt bad that I lied about it. I broke down as I was telling her how ashamed of myself I was. I apologized to her for me being such a rotten little kid and I told her I was going to the bank and find out how much interest I needed to add to what I took and make it right with him. (It was not an AA thing--I didn't know at that time I had a drinking problem. It was a 30 plus years of living with a guilty conscious thing. And this was not the only time when, as a kid, my fingers were sticky from other things besides candy :(

My cousin was a huge guy, who relished his food, beer, cigars and pipes. I loved the smell of  the cherry flavored tobacco which often filled the air in Grandma's house. He teased me incessantly and could lift me up with one of his fingers when I was in a sitting position when I was little and a few years later he was all touchy-feelie and would greet both my sister and me with huge open mouth kisses and overly strong hugs when we were teenagers. I remember always trying to get away from him and fortunately his nasty open mouth landed on my cheek rather than my mouth when I was able to turn my head fast enough. I liked the smell of his tobacco, but I sure didn't want to taste it! When I told my sister about my plan to apologize and pay him back, she told me not to....she said..."Remember all those nasty sloppy kisses he would give us....just think that he took it out in trade over the years." We both laughed at her remark and that reply gave me a good enough excuse not to rectify my childhood misgiving.

Now a few years later and back to the marbles....what ended up happening is a bit of a shock to me. I called my sister and explained to her that Grandma had given me the marbles. I told her that I am not sure if she was on medication and/or because of her age she had just forgotten. I let her know that I didn't want them in the first place and Grandma insisted I take them. I told her that I would give them back to her. After that, I thought it was over......

My sister then sends out this email to me and the "hidden" recipients that "the person who has grandma's marbles is going to return them." No mention of Grandma giving them to me and that there was a misunderstanding caused by forgetfulness. Again, it went on and on and I kept looking for the part which would clear up the accusations that there was a theft involved.  It was like this huge crime had been committed, the "guilty party" had confessed, and now Grandma could rest easy knowing she was going to get her marbles back. I hit the roof! It was still in the morning. I went to the nearby Kroger's and got a bottle of wine and guzzled as much as I could of it to make me good and drunk enough to compose my own email. Not only did I get into the marbles and the nerve my sister had of sending that first email and assuming the marbles were taken, I got into the past three decades of our lives and alot of the problems we had growing up. All the hurt and pain she caused me boiled in my being and erupted in an email which was many times longer and many times stronger than the ones she had sent to me and other family members. They were words which once written, could never be taken back although I did apologize for writing it later on.

It doesn't end there..... I did take the marbles back to Grandma. She told me that if she had given them to me, she must have wanted me to have them and to keep them. I couldn't do it though. I told her that it sounded like they meant more to my sister than me.  I didn't realize that my Grandmother was particularly upset that day. I thought the marble crap was over. Then within a few days later, I receive a several page letter from my Grandmother telling me that she couldn't believe that I returned the marbles and that she knows now that I don't want any of her ole junk and that she has never been so hurt by someone in all her life. My grandmother was in her 80's when she wrote that. She had lost one son in his early 20's. He worked for the power company and got electrocuted. She had certainly lived through other painful things throughout her life.  Still, knowing this, it hurt me that I had hurt her so I called her and apologized for the pain I caused her.

(I was the type of person who apologized even when I didn't think I did anything wrong--just to keep peace/make others like me.)

My sister has hardly had anything to do with me since all that happened. Most of my messages to her go unanswered and if I am lucky enough to receive a reply, it is very short. My grandmother has been gone for years and my cousin, who got religious, got married and found someone else to share his kisses with, passed away. I still feel the guilt of what I did when I was a kid. I never made any amends to him. I am going to talk to my new sponsor about this when we are working the Steps and doing a living amends--I think they are called. Moving forward all I can do is to live my life the way I think God wants me to live it and "change the things I can" and never ever get near another damn marble as long as I live :)

Peace, love and SOBRIETY!