I am in to my fourth week of sobriety. I am making day by day progress as suggested but I am concerned in the sudden distance between m and my partner. She also has stopped drinking but the closeness we had has somewhat evaporated. We used to spend a lot oftime drinking together where conversation flowed and laughter please tell me this normal
Yes Neal, ... this all sounds very normal ... it will take time and patience on your part and hers ... when you suddenly take alcohol out of the picture, you have the real you, a very sick person to start with ... and as a person would recover from cancer, it does not happen overnight, it takes time ... and one can only pray that the relationship will continue, if you and her both want that ... just NEVER let a relationship send you back to drink'n ... it's better to end it than to drink over it ...
Have you tried be'n totally honest with her??? ... let her know up front that you feel the changes and that it's a lot to absorb ... be sure to let her know that her not drink'n is make'n it a lot easier for you and that you appreciate her support ... trust me, in the end, she will love the sober you more deeply and sincerely ... if she don't, then the relationship ain't worth it ...
Stay'n sober is our number one PRIORITY ... at your point in recovery, it's ALL that matters ... to drink again is for us to die ... painfully, I might add ... or if we get 'wet brain' we become noth'n more than a vegetable ... blank stare, drool'n all the time ...
Hang in there man, if you guys have any real love for each other, the conversations will start up again and the laughter won't be far behind ... with a clear head, you should be think'n 'bout what you're go'n to do with your life, how you can help others ... it may a little too soon, but these are thoughts that come with recovery ... and to have your mate on your journey would be wonderful ...
If you see this 'change of person' as a problem, there one way to make it worse, and that is to drink ... there is no problem that a drink or drug won't make ten times worse, trust me, been there done that ... Just continue to take it 'ONE DAY AT A TIME' man, you're do'n great ...
Love ya and God Bless, pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well, it's a good thing that she stopped drinking, too. It's really hard to be in a relationship with someone, if they're drinking, and you're not. Or, the other way around.
It it takes some time, like Pappy sez. It could be a year or so before your brains starts working like it used to, before you became alcoholic. But, if you stay off the drink, I can garrantee your lives will be way better for it. It just takes some time, that's all. There's nothing you can really do to speed up the healing proccess.
I can tell you how to slow down the healing proccess: start drinking again. You'll be right back at square 1.
Congratulations on your fourth week! That's great!
My guy friend and I met in a bar....while drinking and prob. drunk. For years drinking was our main common interest. After both of us stopped drinking I felt a sense of loss--our "hobby" and number one thing we had in common was gone. Our personalities changed. I used to think that I was a lot of fun while drinking. I said and did things which-- seemed at the time-- demonstrated a more relaxed and laid back, letting it all hang out "me". I was a great dancer, joke teller, and basically anyone around me at bars was "lucky" to be in my presence....I was so "wonderful". Then I got sober and all that fun-loving "wonderfulness" was gone--at least in my mind. I became ordinary, plain, and boring.
And him....well, I thought the new sober him was a bit more plain and boring. He became quite a bit more serious and we didn't have our hours and hours of loud rowdiness rambling on and on probably not making a damn bit of sense the drunker we got, however, we related in the same way and probably understood one another's drunkenness after a while. And the drama......that "exciting" drama was gone....the squad cars, the ambulance rides, the loud music and singing along not caring who could hear and how loud we were, late night hours and no sleeping until we got things "settled" (....two drunks getting much of anything settled--big Ha, ha!)...all at the time seemed to make me think I was this exciting person no matter how miserable I was becoming along the way and how much alcohol was ruining my life.
Now we had to understand one another's soberness and that was hard after years and years of only knowing one another while drunk or hungover. We both began to grow up and became more serious after we sobered up. I still had so many insecurities --he did too. And we had to relate to one another's realness now instead of one another's drunkenness. And sometimes it was and is a little--and a lot--harder to find out that the real deal is often not as appealing as those (as someone said in another post) "masks" because we see things as we want them to be and not as they really are when drunk. We are two totally different people now.
And of course, not long ago, I forgot to burn my mask and pulled it out again for a short while because I chose not to deal with things as a recovering sober adult. A mistake I will regret for the rest of my life, however, I forgive myself of it and focus on doing everything I can to stay sober. I hope you don't need to pull your mask out anymore and choose to stay sober. It is so much better being sober and with someone, rather than drunk, and you can deal with things as two adults rather than two drunks. Also, you can actually remember the times you spent together and what was said-- rather than them being a big blur, wondering what you said and regretting saying the things you do remember when you wake up the next day.
Thankyou all for your great responses it has really helped. I will continue with one day at a time and hopefully in time things will settle down. I have been honest with her and talked about the distance but she just said it is me that has created that. My number one priority is to remain sober the relationship is coming to the end of its first year I will make no rash decisions but let things run there own course
As you know, it is suggested that we make no changes in our personal relationships for the first year ... and if changes do occur not directly related to your actions, then you will have the support to deal with it ... you have a family now of brothers and sisters that have the experience and knowledge to help, no matter what situation you may find yourself in ...
Love ya man, take care and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have studied a lot about relationships over the years having been in ones which have challenged me (and the other person, I am sure..)and I feel like I still don't know a darn thing about them. Just passing on that I have read over and over that problems in a relationship are never just about one person creating them. I do know that I have been blamed for everything and found it easy to blame someone else for everything and our reactions to someone else's actions can be just as harmful or worse. We all say and do things which are hurtful and that is whether we are drunk or sober--just usually more harmful things are said while we are filled with alcohol.
I have found it difficult to do what AA suggests.....I did and do make amends and some of them I felt better and moved on. When things continually happen that hurt me--or I let hurt me--it has been hard for me to "live and let live", "accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can" and "let go and let God" and not react.
And it is that last thing above which ended up causing me to drink again. If you do everything you can to take care of staying sober, then you can look in the mirror at yourself, can go to bed and sleep peacefully and live your life knowing that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says, you are doing the best you can possibly do.
