I finally was able to go see my mom for Thanksgiving day. I had been telling her I was coming for the past few months and for different reasons, out of my control, I was unable to. I was open with my mom about my relapsing and am grateful that she still is wanting to be in my life. She has really been so very supportive and loving and has made me realize that her love is a gift from God. She could be like other ones who have dropped me because of my weakness and want nothing to do with me. I am no longer sad about that. A friend told me, "your true friends will be there for you, and the rest don't matter.
On the way back home from seeing my mom, my guy friend decided to stop at Walmart to look for something which was advertised as one of their 6:00 p.m. Doorbusters. I was beat. I had gotten up at 4:00 a.m. and by 6:00 p.m. I was really wanting just to get home and flop. I declined the kind invitation to go into the madhouse at Walmart. He phoned me from the store and told me he was waiting in line...I told him that didn't take too long if he got what he wanted and was already in line. He said no, he didn't even know if they had that item....that there were at least 40 people waiting in line in front of him and he had to find out if they had it. They didn't. He came back empty handed and said "It is a madhouse in there!" He was told by a clerk that they never had that many of them to begin with. So I told him that they probably just got a few as leaders to trick people into going there and maybe they would buy something else higher priced.
When I relapsed I didn't have just one bottle of wine. I did go right back to AA meetings, however, the compulsion to drink didn't end. So I could get a day or two under my belt then managed to get a couple of weeks two different times under my belt. The last bottle I had was almost a month ago and it was a badddddd bottle. Alcohol no longer makes me feel giddy and relaxed. None of those bottles did. I couldn't even finish it. I poured back some of what I had into the bottle when I realized how sick I was getting and it didn't let up. I was sick as a dog and the next morning told my guy friend to pour the rest in the bottle out. I asked how much was left in it after he did. He told me one third of a bottle. Unreal. I don't remember ever leaving any wine in a bottle, getting that sick off that "small" an amount (for me). In between waves of sickness that day, I kept praying to God to help me. I told Him I cannot do this anymore....I cannot stay away from it...please God, I don't want to die, please HELP ME!
I haven't wanted it since. I have a new sponsor now and will be reading the BB again with her and working the Steps again. She has decades of sobriety time and I am fortunate that she is willing to work with and help me.
I think the bottles of alcohol are kind of like the Doorbusters. I think King Alcohol was trying to lure me in with a few bottles of wine to get me snagged and hooked and setting me up.....Bait and switch.... then, caught off guard, I would end up getting something different than what I was expecting....something "bigger", something "better", only to be disillusioned and disappointed and not getting what I originally bargained for. I cannot buy what KA is "selling" anymore. I don't want it. I don't need it in my life.
I hope that this go around I will be able to really stay sober and sane. I look at my relapse as a huge wake up call. I feel more than ever gratitude for being able to walk back into the AA meetings and not let shame, guilt and embarrassment keep me from doing so. It is still hard going to meetings, I do so anyway. I let hurtful yet maybe "well-intentioned" comments go in one ear and out the other now. When someone asked me if I "had managed to string together any days of sobriety", I used it as an excuse to drink again a few weeks ago. About a week ago, when I got asked the same thing by the same person, I stood up for myself and let that person know that was a hurtful thing to say to someone who had relapsed and come back. I didn't pick up again and it made me feel better about myself that I was able to stand up for myself. That's never been easy for me...It was then and will be now, I feel.
I detest Doorbusters and I don't want to end up being in a "madhouse". I want to live and each day I am sober is, just like my Mom's love, a gift from God
-- Edited by hopefulone on Friday 27th of November 2015 10:12:56 AM
You know Pappy, some wise person suggested I do that a good while back. And some not so wise person didn't listen. Maybe, just maybe things would have been different. Oh well....past is poop....focus forward.
(oh...i meant "past is poof" (poof as in disappear), however, after I caught my foo-pah, think in my case, it is kinda appropriate.
OH NO!!!! I deleted that, Pappy. I am so sorry...I didn't even watch the whole thing. I had no idea it showed that. I actually skipped posting one which had "Fatal" in the title. I guess that kind of thing is to be expected when it is a video compilation about elevator crashes....well, duhhhh! This has taught me to watch the whole things--start to finish--before posting. Sorry folks. Not a good way to start the day.
from...
Not such a "good" girl :(
-- Edited by hopefulone on Saturday 28th of November 2015 08:49:17 AM
ohhhh Pappy!
I love animals, too. Especially dogs. Makes me cringe whenever I hear of one getting mistreated. Again, so very sorry. And you are right, no one needed to see that! I am so mad at myself for posting that. They shouldn't have that kind of thing on the internet--at all and for a brief time I helped spread it. That kind of carelessness on my part is inexcusable. Kind of reminds me of another time when I posted a link on a different site about an "Amber Alert" for a "missing" girl that I received from a friend..only thing was, I didn't check it out to make sure it was legit.....and it ended up being made up. Who even makes up something like that? Anyway, I really got an ass-chewing for that one. Guess I forgot between then and now how important it is to check out things before sharing.
