My name is Shan. I use to define myself as Bradley and Lillie's mother, a wife to Larry, a daughter to John and Karen. Matt and Veronicas Sister. An Aunt to 9 beautiful nieces and nephews. A hard worker and a very loyal friend....But today I have gained a new identity, an Alcoholic.
Alcoholic? How in the world did I allow myself to get addicted? I've used one term in my head to try and justify the binge drinking I did every night after work... functioning alcoholic. It sounded ok when I followed it with I'm not really addicted. My theory was that I could quit anytime I wanted. That was FAR from reality.
Reality is that I tried to numb my feelings. Feelings of loneliness, frustration, concern for my health and the shame of being out of control. I have found these to be my triggers...
*Very often I come home to an empty house. I get lonely. I adopted a puppy to try and fill the loneliness...Vodka worked much better.
* Speaking of Vodka...apparently I'm not a very classy drunk. I black out after about a pint and spew terrible, hurtful words to the people I love most. I usually never remember these encounters the morning after...But my family does.
* As far as my health, a year ago I almost died. I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. This means my stomach is paralyzed. Drinking could have been a factor in my paralysis. I'm not really sure. My doctor has advised that I should stay away from all alcohol (sheesh, what does he know, right. There is no way that pint of deliciousness could have caused me to be that sick.)
* And lastly, Shame....Halloween night I drank a pint and a half of straight vodka. I was drunk by 8:00. My husband had to work and both of my kids were with friends. By the time they made it home, I was out of it. That was the first night my kids left home because they didn't want to watch me self destruct. This isn't the only time I've acted this way toward them. But IT WILL BE THE LAST. My daughter reached out in anger to my mom who now knows I'm an alcoholic. She also reached out to my siblings...Now they know I'm struggling as well. My closet has been opened and it seems my most hidden skeletons have fallen out.
Today, I have taken it ONE DAY AT A TIME...for 4 days. baby steps...with the Holidays coming up I'm doing the best I can to prepare for my large hurdles.
Thank you all for allowing me to put my thoughts into words.
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~When you fear your struggles, your struggles consume you. When you face your struggles, you overcome them.
Welcome Shan,
that was a pretty good first step. It sounds like you know what the problem is, and you are in a pretty good place to find a solution. There is a lot of recovery experience on this board and it is a good supplement to face to face meetings and sponsorship. But we cannot substitute for the 12 steps. They are the program, found in the big book of AA, that is the path to permanent recovery from alcoholism. To quote Dr Bob, "If you really want to quit for good and all, and sincerely feel you must have some help, we think we have a soltuion for you. It works if you go about it with one half the zeal you were in the habit of showing when getting a drink. Your heavenly Father will never let you down".
He was right. the God I came to know through the steps has never let me down.
The very same thing that Fyne Spirit said also applies to me ... If you 'decide' you want to live in recovery and not the hell that most all of us have gone through, then you've taken a good first step ... 'admitting your powerless over alcohol' ...
You see, WE could not stop drink'n on our own either, but we found a way out by work'n the steps in the AA Big Book ... 'Alcoholics Anonymous' ... Please find a local meeting to go to and go to the next one ... don't worry, everyone there has been through what your go'n through right this minute ... ask for a Big Book, take it home and read the section called 'The Doctor's Opinion' then start reading the first 164 pages ... in those pages is the path to a new, wonderful life ...
Today !!! ... don't drink and go to a meeting ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Recovery can begin by putting down the substance,(alcohol)admission,acceptance and a willingness to move forward a Day at a time.Our goal is not just abstinence but daily recovery through application of our Program the Steps,worked with a sponsor in all areas of our lives.Great job reaching out.Projection of the "what ifs"puts undue stress in our psyche,stay in the day,remain in a "fit spiritual condition>do the work and miracles occur..Keep reaching out,the masks have to come down,our pain shared can be pain lessened..In support and prayer..Hope to hear more from you...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
