There are some folks in AA who do not sponsor. That is up to each individual and it is not a requirement to sponsor. There are some people who think that we have to say "yes" to everything someone else in AA asks us to do. I used to think that way, too. Sometimes we have good reasons to not agree to do everything.
Seven months of solid sobriety is wonderful and you should be very proud of yourself. There are plenty of people who are willing to sponsor. Best of luck to you.
-- Edited by hopefulone on Tuesday 20th of October 2015 10:59:47 AM
Thanks. Yeah, that makes sense. Some people are probably uncomfortable with the private details of step 4. Perhaps they are gay or something and that's fine as I would prefer that they didn't in that particular case.
Like I said, God will find a sponsor to continue my recovery.
Just for the record, I'm gay and have been sober for many years I've sponsored both gay people and straight people. And I have had sponsors who were gay and sponsors who were straight. And it wasn't an issue, either for me or the other person. But of course, you should choose a sponsor with whom you can related and feel comfortable and can confide in, so whatever works for you.
Regarding that guy with 42 years who has never sponsored anyone, yes that does seem really unusual but we can only guess as to why. Maybe he's one of those rare people in AA who never had a sponsor himself and never worked the steps but somehow managed to stay sober anyway. That person wouldn't have any experience that would allow them to show you how to work the steps. Maybe he just feels he wouldn't be any good at it for some reason.
In any case, it's great that you're looking for a new sponsor after moving to a new city. Good luck with the search, and congrats on the seven months!
Choosing a good sponsor can take a bit of time, and longevity is not necessarily a mark of a good sponsor ... I've seen those with many years of sobriety that have never shown me much of anything that I want in sobriety ... you need someone who exhibits and practices the steps and upholds our Traditions ... and above all seems sincerely Happy with sober life ...
My first thought is that showing some 'patience' in choosing a new sponsor will be to your benefit ... get to know the core members of your 'home group' well before asking for a sponsor ... you know, someone who's there 20 - 30 minutes before the meeting and is there 20 - 30 minutes after the meeting has ended ... and when they share, it's from the heart and sincere ... someone who is seen frequently laughing it up with fellow members ... enjoying all that sobriety has to offer ...
I've witnessed many members with 5 yrs. sobriety that made much better sponsors than some with 20+ years ...
Just an opinion from an old drunk ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
As with everything else that's been a problem since March 17, I've always had the best result when I turned it all over to God.
So thanks everyone and God bless you all too.
Is it possible you asked this oldtimer the wrong question? Sponsorship had a different meaning in earlier days. Ebby was Bill's only sponsor, and Ebby never managed more than a few months sobriety. He was an Oxford grouper wh never got into AA. What he did was carry a message to Bill, help him through the steps, and explain what he needed to do to stay sober (work with others). Nothing about being a life coach like sponsorship today.Sponsors simply took the mewcomer, introduced them to AA, helped them through the steps and taught them how to do the same with still others. End of.
Maybe if you asked this guy if he would show you how he accomplished 42 years sober with the AA program, you might get a different response
From the book in Bill's story:
My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."
I suppose there will alsways be a percentage of AA members to whom this doesn't apply, but then again there is also a percentage of AA members who are there for reasons other than sobriety.
My advise is don't overate sponsors. They are only human. In the end, for an alcohiolic of my type, it is my relationship with my higher power that provides permanent recovery.
Of course times have changed haven't they. Today sponsorship plays a much bigger part in the fellowshuip than it used to, with many always being sponsored but never sponsoring. How would the modern practice relate with what Ebby told Bill?
Your could look up Crapes research (2002) which studied 500 addicts in an effort to find out the effects of sponsorship on recovery rates. There were four sub groups, those who had a sponsor and those who didn't, and those who sponsored and those who didn't.
Result summary, there was no difference in outcome between those who were sponsored and those who were not. I guess that means of you are beyond human aid, your sponsor has no more power than any other human.
Different story completely in the next group. The recovery rate was much higher for those who sponsored compared to those who didn't. I personally am not surprised at this result. I travel a lot and visit some groups only every few months. The faces I can rely on seeing each visit are those actively working with others, the sponsors, the rest are just a passing parade.
One comment I might add to the research is that I would imagine those that sponsored were first sponsored themselves in order to learn how to be a sponsor. So having a sponsor must have some beneficial effect but it may be only temporary if we don't give it away ourselves.
Seems to me like Ebby's advice to Bill still holds water today.
I'm not sure how "I would like you to be my sponsor" could be construed as the wrong question?
I believe a sponsor is essential for working through the steps properly and helping to identify and fix the defects of character.
My previous sponsor really helped me to maintain my sobriety, not that I needed much persuasion beyond that already freely given by my doctors and my surgeon.
My previous sponsor also impressed upon the importance of giving back in the form of service to other alcoholics, in order to maintain my sobriety.
Maybe I'll speak with my old sponsor and see if he will take me back.
The inconvenience of a 25 mile long drive and long delays due to inevitable bridge and road repairs would be inconsequential.
But first I'll continue looking around for a local sponsor.
Thanks again everyone for your help and support.
God bless you all.
This board was/is a BIG plus to my continued recovery Simon ... the opportunities to help another alcoholic here are limitless ...
Two years ago, I moved to a different State in the U.S. and had to leave my sponsor ... odd thing is, I've found myself very active here and have not yet found a new sponsor, actually, for me, this board has replaced my need for a sponsor ... that's just me ... it may, or may not, work for everyone ... I don't remember reading how much time you have in sobriety, but if you've not completed all the steps, you would definitely benefit by getting a new sponsor ...
As I said before, attend meetings regularly, pay attention to someone who seems quite happy with sober living(someone who has what you want) and is active in helping others, and ask them if they'd be willing to sponsor you ... that approach worked for me ...
Good luck and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I agree with Pappy about this board. It has helped me, too. I love coming here and "seeing" the regulars. I love the newcomers and hearing how they want to get and stay sober. The meetings are the same way, however, this board is a little different. I can come here when there is harsh weather outside and going out is dangerous---icy road conditions, hurricanes with pouring rains, dangerous winds, falling trees--which we have had quite a bit of with this weather in the last few years. As long as the power doesn't go out, I can still come to this board and hear from other alcoholics, like me. Also, if someone shares something I disagree with, I don't have to choose to read their posts (nor they mine :). At meetings, I feel like I have to sit there and listen to whatever anyone says, no matter how loud, angry or off the wall it is.
I currently do not have a sponsor. My sponsor gave me another chance and told me that if I picked up again, I would have to find someone else to sponsor me. I understand and am not resentful or angry. I told myself at first that I don't need a sponsor--that I had stayed sober for a good while and "know how this works". Only thing is....I honestly don't know how this works--not thoroughly anyway...I picked up again.
I am going to take the advice given above to listen to shares and look for a woman who projects a happy attitude and who is willing to sponsor me. If I get told "no", I need to try and not look for reasons and end up making it all about me and beat myself up over it. I could spend hours and hours trying to figure out "why". I am sure with my sick thinking I could come up with a bunch of them. I have proven too many times that I am not very good at mind reading. It's a waste of my time. I just need to move on and find someone else who is willing. In the meantime I have some folks who have been very helpful from this board who have not given up on me. It is because of them I am not drinking now.
-- Edited by hopefulone on Thursday 22nd of October 2015 08:58:46 AM
He did you a favour. You don't want someone sponsoring you who doesn't believe that they need it to stay sober. I'm not knocking the guy, in fact I admire his honesty. He didn't have what you need so he declined.
Your addict brain is looking for excuses to be angry/discouraged/hurt...anything to get you back on that bar stool. Don't fall for it.
So I asked during a meeting on Sunday if anyone in the room knew of a sponsor. I was told afterwards that I should go to the Men's Meeting on Monday. So I did. I listened patiently to all the lengthy tales of what they were like and how they are now. The same guy again got up and talked at length again about how wonderful his now 43 years of sobriety has been (without ever sponsoring anyone). Well woop dee doo. Yea, I'm still feeling a resentment. But not excuses. Then, with time running out (59 minutes into the meeting), when asked for a burning desire, I spoke. First, I congratulated the fellow next to me for 17 days of sobriety, telling him "well done" and congratulating him on stopping drinking at age 41 instead of waiting until 64, like me. Then I asked the meeting at large if anyone knew a sponsor to please speak with me afterwards explaining that I wanted to continue working the 12 steps to maintain my sobriety. Again, nothing. But later, outside in the parking lot, I was asked by the secretary if I was coming back next week.
I've thought about it this evening and decided to stop going to local meetings here in my new town. I just don't feel comfortable there, no fear, just not as comfortable as I used to be. People here are a bit older than my 64 years. Perhaps they are a bit too old to bother with things like sponsorship. Or "service" (water person, literature person, coffee maker, greeter and yes, sponsor). It's OK. All good. No problem at all.
I've decided to go back to my old sponsor, if possible. And I'll go back to the meetings in my old town. My sobriety is very important to me. So is continuing to work the 12 steps to maintain it.
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 27th of October 2015 01:18:44 AM
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 27th of October 2015 01:20:10 AM
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 27th of October 2015 01:23:08 AM
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 27th of October 2015 01:24:19 AM
I congratulate you Simon for making your sobriety your FIRST priority in life as you return to the rooms ... that's the only way I could maintain any kind of sober living when I returned ... oh yeah, there were bumps in the road that I tended to make mountains out of grains of sand, but I kept on coming to learn hows these others finally got long term sobriety ... finally, working the steps, honestly, did it for me, the light bulb turn on and life has been good ever since ...
Don't give up no matter what happens, and I'm sure, in time, you'll find a good sponsor ... just keep go'n to meetings and try a few a little further away if you must, but the sponsor you're looking for is there somewhere ... I turned 63 last week, so, you're never to old to sober up and learn of the great life there is out there you've never experienced before ...
You can do this, we can do it together ... you are not alone ...
Love ya brother and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I know the feeling of let down and disappointment.
Sorry you're experiencing this.
A few things:
You said yourself exactly what came to me: this is about God. Pray and ask God for help and then just do your part and show up. Keep seeking, Simon. God will not let you down.
So I asked during a meeting on Sunday if anyone in the room knew of a sponsor. I was told afterwards that I should go to the Men's Meeting on Monday. So I did. I listened patiently to all the lengthy tales of what they were like and how they are now. The same guy again got up and talked at length again about how wonderful his now 43 years of sobriety has been (without ever sponsoring anyone). Well woop dee doo. Yea, I'm still feeling a resentment. But not excuses. Then, with time running out (59 minutes into the meeting), when asked for a burning desire, I spoke. First, I congratulated the fellow next to me for 17 days of sobriety, telling him "well done" and congratulating him on stopping drinking at age 41 instead of waiting until 64, like me. Then I asked the meeting at large if anyone knew a sponsor to please speak with me afterwards explaining that I wanted to continue working the 12 steps to maintain my sobriety. Again, nothing. But later, outside in the parking lot, I was asked by the secretary if I was coming back next week.
I've thought about it this evening and decided to stop going to local meetings here in my new town. I just don't feel comfortable there, no fear, just not as comfortable as I used to be. People here are a bit older than my 64 years. Perhaps they are a bit too old to bother with things like sponsorship. Or "service" (water person, literature person, coffee maker, greeter and yes, sponsor). It's OK. All good. No problem at all.
I've decided to go back to my old sponsor, if possible. And I'll go back to the meetings in my old town. My sobriety is very important to me. So is continuing to work the 12 steps to maintain it.
Hi Simon,
What about the fellow God put in your path with 17 days up. If you can't find a sponsor, how will he? Who will sponsor him, if not you, then who? You are right about working all 12 steps to maintain recovery. Faith without works is dead. Is it possible to work all 12 and not work with the newcomer?
Issue is resolved. I have a sponsor. I spoke to my old sponsor today. He told me we can pick up where we left off. Finishing up Step 5 and preparing to start Step 6. What a relief. I'm so glad. He was a little ticked off at the "lack of gratitude" of the old timers who wouldn't help. But softened a bit when I pointed out that probably at their age, taking on a new sponsee may simply be hard for them. I won't be going to many meets at the Senior Center. I'm just not ready to accept being that old. I want to finish working the steps. So I can be ready to help when God puts a newcomer in my path as surely he will. In the mean time, I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad. Here's a song from Jack Bruce, RIP, a recovering alcoholic.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR HELPING ME RESOLVE THIS ISSUE. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 3rd of November 2015 09:13:08 PM
-- Edited by SimonS on Tuesday 3rd of November 2015 09:14:55 PM
That's great news Simon, ... I'm grateful for you as well ... please continue to keep us up to date on how your progress is and of course come and chat as you feel the need ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
