I first went to AA in 2012 and had about 6 months of sobriety. I put myself under the illusion that I was "cured" and that I likely could have a few beers and keep it under control. That worked okay for a few months, but over time, my control was revealed for what it really was - a lie. First it was a just a few, then it was a 6 pack and then it was a 6 pack every night and now it got back up to 8-10 every day. I realized I was spending much of my time thinking about that next "first" beer of the day. The first thing I grabbed after returning home from work was a cold beer, then I greeted my wife. Later, when the sleep of oblivion was ended by the great need to piss at about 2 a.m. I'd spend the next 3-4 hours staring blankly at my computer and loathing myself for what I had returned to.
I can't do this anymore. I'm 24 hours sober, with a group of students at a leadership conference, so no chance for a meeting until I return home tonight. I got rid of my copy of the Big Book because I didn't think I needed it anymore. I've been cruising the message boards to get a little bit of encouragement and I've likely spent more time in prayer over the past 24 hours than I had over the past year or so.
Thanks Tanin, I remembered my Kindle in my briefcase and was able to purchase an electronic copy via Amazon. I'm not sitting in the quiet of the hotel lobby, enjoying a cup of tea and just finishing up a little journal writing. I'm not one to laze around a hotel room when life is happening all around. It is a beautiful morning here in Denver and my students will be stumbling out to grab breakfast in about 20 minutes.
I know full well the feelings one has with such a 'detour' ... a little fear, a little depression, a little joy ... crazy thoughts running 100mph ... just don't drink ... just today, that's all that matters ... right now that's the ONLY thing that matters ...
Praying for the strength to endure the day is what helped me most when I first returned ... and by the grace of God, I didn't drink those first few days and then with a clear head, it stuck ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
More important ... is it where you WANT TO BE??? ...
That is an excellent question! Yes, that is where I WANT to be! I'm willing to take whatever measures necessary to get and stay there. I'm a slow learner...
How many times have we tried that "controlled" drinking thing...it just doesn't work. The only way to control it, is to just not do it. It's kinda like torture when we try controlled drinking, because we have 1 or 2. Then we promise not have have more than 3. After 3, it's like "ahh...1 more ain't gonna hurt nothin." by this time, the alcohol has taken over our judgement, and we wind up getting drunk. And we're battling ourselves when we try to just have a few. I find it easier just to not have any. Because the craving for the first one will subside in a few minutes, but, if you give in, and have that 1st one, then you're battling yourself for 10-20 minutes to not have another one. And you have another, then battle against 1 more. Over and over. It's just easier not to start.
I like the whiskey in the milk story in the Big Book.
The only way to control it, is to just not do it. It's kinda like torture when we try controlled drinking, because we have 1 or 2. And we're battling ourselves when we try to just have a few. I find it easier just to not have any. It's just easier not to start.
When I first came to AA, I had older next door neighbors that routinely had two mixed drinks a night, usually before they ate supper ... we were close, and we were frequently together working on something, or simply socializing by playing cards ... 'salt of the earth' kinda people ... when I saw them after rehab and going to AA meetings, I asked them, just how in the hell do you guys have 2 drinks and STOP ????? ... I told them for me?, that would be 'pure torture' ... later on during this same period, I knew I could control my drink'n now ... so I tried to drink only two drinks ... a day ... Hell, that lasted about two days ...
so I just wanted to say I agreed with Baba about the torture bit ... when I did control it, it WAS TORTURE, plain and simple ... I mean, why drink if you ain't looking for 'the Buzz' ... ... ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It seems some of us need that little bit of extra convincing that we really are beat, but when we get there we find it is the best possible position from whivh to have a full (with bells on) recovery.
It seems some of us need that little bit of extra convincing that we really are beat, but when we get there we find it is the best possible position from whivh to have a full (with bells on) recovery.
All the best:)
Thank you! My recovery is moving along, 1 day at a time. Today is day 3 and a fairly stressful one at school at that, but I have a HP again that has promised to give me the strength when I don't think I have it. I brushed off an old fountain pen and grabbed a notebook and really got to writing last night. Amazing how much that helps me.
I Like to remeber one of the third step promises. "We had a new employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well".
When I made my decision to turn my will and my life of to the care of a God that only others seemed to have experience of, a strange thing happened. All the resistance and most of the fear around steps 4 and 5, steps I swore I would never do, just evaporated. It was replaced with the realisation that I needed to take the next steps to recover, and I was given the courage to get it done. The very next weekend, Saturday step 4, sunday step 5, with my sponsor there the whole time to help me. And I began to have a spiritual experience.
Day 5 and all is well. Good night's sleep and enjoying a nice cup of tea this morning. I left my journal book in my briefcase at school (late night after volleyball game) so no writing this morning.
Still waking up too darn early, but at least my head is clear and my dragon breath isn't as bad. Dreams are vivid and pleasant, as far as I remember, and meditation is easier in the mornings.
After being in the fellowship for some involvement ,a relapse can be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorus application of the Program.Glad you made it back.Think what you are going to do differently this time,work in the Solution ,guided by a Sponsor and take it ODAT..GOOD HEARING FROM YOU AGAIN
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
After being in the fellowship for some involvement ,a relapse can be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorus application of the Program.Glad you made it back.Think what you are going to do differently this time,work in the Solution ,guided by a Sponsor and take it ODAT..GOOD HEARING FROM YOU AGAIN
Thank you! Starting day 7! I'm just keeping ODAT and trying to keep my focus on my Higher Power (who is still there, even if I ignored Him!)
Welcome back Troy! wondered where you got off to? Stick around, and thanks for keeping me sober ;)
Thanks! Work and family have conspired ;) to keep me pretty busy. Moving into a new house in July and working on scraping ceilings and hand-texturing and painting all of the walls while shuffling our stuff around has been somewhat of a challenge, but we are moving forward one day at a time.
I think an update is in order. Today is day 8! I have not gone back to a meeting yet, but will be going in to one in about an hour. The weekdays are simply crazy with busyness at school and here at home. I leave the house at 6:45 and and often am returning home after 8:00 p.m. I'm not asking for sympathy on that - many people work longer hours and thrive. But, the weekend is a little more relaxed. There is a meeting about 20 minutes away that starts at 7:00 a.m. and is actually the first one I attended in July 2013. its a calm older crowd - a group that I am resembling more and more with each passing year - at least the older part.
Meeting was good this morning. Several remembered me from before. I found myself being more open and honest and actually sticking around and visiting a bit after the meeting. Before I hit the door the second the meeting ended. Felt good to get the 24 hour chip, even if is 8 days. I am approaching this 24 hours at a time, depending on God and listening.
Woke up to day 10 - Monday - ready to continue on. I'm feeling pretty blessed and peaceful. I won't have a chance for another meeting until Friday morning, so I am continuing to pray, study and learn from the interwebs and email.
Great Troy, ... any 'day' we wake up on this side of the dirt is a day to rejoice and move on ... and if we leave alcohol out of the picture, we might even remember it, LOL ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
This whole "turning my will and life over to God" thing is interesting. I was pretty certain that I wouldn't have any time during the week to get to a meeting and lo and behold, time opened up and I went to a new one last night. It turned out to be just what I needed to hear. The topic was the 3rd step. I'm a pretty slow learner, but I do eventually learn. Or perhaps I'm just stubborn. Lots of good shares from folks there. It turns out that this is one of the closer meetings to me.
As I study the local AA website, I see that there are always 5-10 meetings every night in our town, from 5 p.m up until 10. Heck, if I would go out of my way to hit the liquor store, surely I can go out of my way to find a meeting.
ya know? ... It's remarkable how many times I've been to a meeting, early on, and after years of meetings, that I found it truly incredible that the topic, or part of the sharing was ... JUST WHAT i NEEDED TO HEAR!!! ... odd how that works ... and the more I turned my life over to God, the more often it happened ... which is very hard to explain or understand ...
Love ya man and keep up the good work, God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Day 12 and the day promises rain! Actual rain, not a rainy attitude. My temporary sponsor sparked an insight into Step 3 - Made a DECISION to turn my life and will over to God. I don't have to grab an attitude of total surrender just today, rather now I can gain the ability to do that with steps 4-12. Even if I do feel like dropping to my knees often right now, I know that my habits haven't really prepared me to turn it all over at once. Now I get to move along at His pace and listen and learn while actively participating in His will for me.
Have a wonderful day all.
Despite the chipper tone of my posts, I'm not really feeling like I am floating in those pink clouds. I'm just moving along in life and feeling better every day.
Update - today is day 14 or 2 weeks. I'm moving forward, one day at a time. In the past 2 weeks I've been to 4 meetings (3 locations) and have a temporary online sponsor. I'm studying the Big Book and journal writing every day. Last night we discussed fears and the shares were, as always, enlightening.
Good evening folks. 17 days now. I have a local sponsor and several other numbers to call when I need to talk. I've been going to meetings and feeling pretty positive about my spiritual state and growth.
That's great Troy ... remember, if you get squirrely for any reason, call someone on your list ... before you do something you'll regret ... alcohol is cunning, baffling and POWERFUL ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Day 23. Survived the visit from the loud drinking sister-in-law and niece for Halloween. Today we take our oldest back to the airport for his flight back to his home. Enjoyed him a great deal and we will miss him. But, I'm sober and it all feels good. Praying a lot now and keeping my spiritual guard up.
I ended up with a cup of fancy schmancy tea. I've been drinking black tea instead of coffee since June of this year. I just lost my taste for coffee. Tea makes me pee a lot as well. But that's not important. What's important was a good time of fellowship and a real start at going through the Big Book and the Steps.
You're absolutely right Troy, ... I have about 8 different kinds of Tea in the cupboard ... I've found variety to be the spice of life too ... but it IS the fellowship that will show you the way and give you a lot of enjoyment along the way ... way to go, you're do'n great ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Quick update...picked up a 1 month chip this weekend. I'm going to a lot more meetings than I expected I would - probably hitting at least 6 a week. The spiritual boost is awesome! Heading out to my new home group in a few minutes.
Quick update - 42 days sober and continuing to grow. Went to a Suzy Bogguss concert last night with my darling wife and now listening to the darn cat yowling to be let out. Love my life!
Troy you are an inspiration to me. Day 1 here. Going to a meeting today. I could have written your story. It's was just what I'm experiencing now. Congratulations to you!!!!!
Thanks Baba and Trisha! Trisha, I have no advice other than just listen - to others at the meeting but most importantly, to me anyway, listen to your HP. God is good to me and I am so glad that I finally have started listening.
Troy, sounds like you're do'n great ... your perspective and attitude is 'right on' ... and your suggestion to Trisha is also 'spot on' ... when I first came to AA, I had to learn to 'listen' first ... because it is important to not miss some of the golden pearls of wisdom the older members were sharing ... my mind was foggy at best and after a few meet'ns I started to feel like "I got this" ... I didn't ... because I felt like an immediate expert ... after a couple weeks, I was sharing like I had 10 years sober, I remember think'n back and remember'n I should have keep mouth mouth shut, cause these folks knew what they were talk'n 'bout and I only pretended I did ... it nearly cost me my life, cause I thought I could go out and drink again ...
Alcohol is like that, ... it makes you feel much smarter than you are, it wants you to think you can drink without consequences ...
Today!!! is the 1st day of the rest of our lives ... and just for 'today', I choose not to drink ... THE most important thing I learned in the begin'n is that I could go one day without a drink ... then I got up think'n the same thing the next day ... and so began my journey ...
Trisha, please find someone you see as happy in sobriety and ask them to sponsor you ... let them guide you through the steps so you don't make the mistakes many of us do ... make your 'sobriety' THE most important thing in your life and you will succeed in coming to know a life more wonderful than you can possibly image right now, I promise you that ...
Love you guys and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am meeting with my sponsor in a couple of hours. We try to get together about once a week and are reading through the BB together and discussing as we go. Last time was interesting because I saw a couple of my students at the same coffee shop. They were studying for a chemistry test. Teenagers are more self absorbed than a couple of middle aged men, so they were just happy to see me at their "hip" coffee shop. Somehow, I don't expect to see them at 7:00 a.m. on the Friday after Thanksgiving.
On a related, sort of, note, I am really feeling like I need to get my fanny back in a church pew. It has been over 5 years since I regularly attended and my spiritual growth, while progressing along, seems to need a little more. I can point to the fact that I stopped attending church as my drinking got really heavy and my brain and heart could not capture the messages coming from the pulpit about judging all of society's ills (wow that doesn't sound resentful, does it?) but I know that I still need to be more active in worship. I spent about 5 years with 2 different bluegrass gospel bands and we played at a lot of churches giving our best to offer worship with mandolins and banjos and voices and I miss that. Perhaps I ought to get back into that.
-- Edited by Troy on Friday 27th of November 2015 07:20:32 AM
Anything that brings you closer to God is a good thing ... if that is get'n involved again in church, fantastic ... we will always continue to improve when we continue to grow our 'conscious contact' with the 'Big Man' upstairs ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Update - Today marks 54 days. Its been a good but stressful week. I hosted a speech contest for 7 other schools today and am glad that is over. Its always great to see the other teachers and their students. Tomorrow I will be helping a small group of senior students serve at the local soup kitchen. Wait, I thought teachers get weekends off!
I've been working with my sponsor as we continue through the big book. He is going back through the steps himself with his sponsor, so our conversations are getting deeper and more meaningful. Of course, we're also getting into the steps deeper each time, so I guess that is to be expected.
I've spent 35+ years perfecting my isolation and darn if that isolation wall isn't starting to break down. Last night, during a closed meeting, I found myself getting pretty emotional as I listened and then even more so as I shared. That was the first time during this journey that I started to feel a crack in my self-willed shell. It actually felt pretty good.
Keep it up all. Your encouragement and sharing really helps me. Thank you.
-- Edited by Troy on Friday 4th of December 2015 06:58:50 PM
54 Days!!!! Awesome! And you are helping in a soup kitchen???? Double awesome!
You sound like me with the church thing--only more active than I prob. was. I was eagerly doing alot of volunteer work in a church I started in years ago. Trouble is....I wanted to do all/be all....maybe some of it was to be liked by others--well, prob. quite a bit was. Ended up getting chewed out by one of the Women's Circle ladies when I was helping with a dinner we were doing for the congregation. Also, something else happened that night..which hurt my feelings. I quit that church. Got some serious resentments and haven't been inside a church since. (And I am just sharing this because I hope other people won't let others have the same affect on them like I did).
And you play an instrument? That's triple awesome! Anyone who has talent like that and can spread joy through music --and especially gospel music--is also spreading love. Love = peace, peace = tranquility which leads to serenity which keeps our sobriety. Play on!
54 days IS Awesome Troy ... congrats to you for hang'n in there ...
I know very well of the shell you are talk'n 'bout ... isolation was a big one for me too ... and later as that shell cracked, I too, had some very emotional shares ... probably the first time I cried in public for many, many years ... but it did me good, for others came to me and consoled me and we grew even closer ... I didn't know then what be'n close to someone was ... it was all good, I feel it helped me grow a certain 'character' which I had been lacking up to that point ...
Just keep take'n it 'One Day at a Time' ... and you'll do great in the program of AA ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I spent time yesterday writing some letters to old friends. Not "amends" letters, just letters. As you can see from my avatar, I have a few fountain pens. As a fountain pen user, I am always searching for the perfect paper to write on. After I finished the letters, I dove into my pile of used notebooks to see if I missed any pages and could write a bit. I found the notebook where I documented my relapse on June 6, 2014 - after 10 months sober. I wrote "I did something stupid today. I thought I would have a beer and now 6 bottles later I have a headache. I wanted that pleasant feeling of being buzzed, but all I got was sick." I quit writing in that notebook on that day.
Wow, I really have to keep my spirit on guard all of the time.
-- Edited by Troy on Monday 7th of December 2015 06:07:40 AM
I have purchased vintage fountain pens myself, Troy, and I particularly love the butterscotch one in your pic. The nice ones are hard to find without paying a hefty sum for them. Writing is very therapeutic (sp?) and if I could read my writing, I'd do more of it. After I got into the drinking like I did, my writing was greatly affected and it is a real effort for me to write legibly. So everyday I type my journal. Every day. It helps getting stuff out of my head and I feel a relief once I do. I was horrified when I discovered several days of my journaling disappeared from my computer. It didn't stop me from continuing it though.
What you described about expecting a buzz and getting sick, I experienced too. I went through that a few more times and the last time I was sicker than I had been in ages and actually had less. I too, feel like I have to be on guard--watchful of myself, my own expectations, my own mental state. Now I tell myself that it is my choice whether or not I am going to let people/places/things have an affect on me. It is somewhat empowering to know that I am in control of me instead of giving my power away. I can have a good day or I can chooe to have a bad day. Once I make a decision to pick up a drink again, I have chosen the latter. My day will be horrible. And not only will I be sick physically, my mind will again be a mess.
I am choosing to have a good day today. I hope you do, too. Keep writing. Get that stuff out of your head.
Not sure, but I think this is one of the reasons that the BB suggest we 'maintain' a 'conscious contact' with God, or our Higher Power ... this contact is best started first thing in the morn'n, or after a couple cups of coffee, as with me ... and then this contact should be made throughout the day in the form of the 'Serenity Prayer' or to simply pray to make the next 'right' decision ... or for strength and desire to avoid the temptation to have a drink ...
Frequent contact with our Higher Power is essential to boosting our confidence that we can go this one day without a drink ...
In your post (and you may have), I didn't see anything where you asked God to give you strength and power to not drink that day ... which happened to be of vital importance to me early in sobriety ... and it worked ... cause throughout the day, i had this feel'n God was right beside me all the time ... still do ...
Anyway, I'm thrilled you are back with us and do'n well ... I pray you make this time around count ... I knew If I hadn't, I'd be 6 feet under right this minute ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks H1. The butterscotch pen in the picture is a cheapie - Noodler's Ahab. I like vintage pens but don't like the price some people as for them. I mainly use a modern Pelikan M200 and a Franklin Christoph collegiate series pen. I have plenty of Esterbrooks to satisfy my vintage itch.
Roger, I am like a textbook here. I looked back in my journals and see that a few weeks before I relapsed, I wrote down that I wasn't certain that I needed to be attending so many meetings (which turned into attending no meetings) and I can guarantee you that I stopped depending on God to keep me from picking up that first drink. I won't make that same mistake again. A big part of what keeps me focused in hearing the ESH and hope of others at meetings and here in a virtual sense. This seems to keep my gratitude for His work to be at a higher point of my thinking and praying become easier and more of a habit. I make it a point to pray before bed and pray before I get up.
-- Edited by Troy on Tuesday 8th of December 2015 05:22:15 AM
Sounds like you are do'n what the BB suggests Troy ... continuing on that path will make your journey rewarding and worthwhile ... great job ... yet another 'prayer' answered ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
70 days! We fly out tomorrow to spend a week with our oldest son and his dear one for Christmas. I hope to find a meeting in the San Francisco Bay area. In fact, I just looked and there are multiple meetings within a mile of their house. I'll likely hit another meeting in the morning before we head out to the airport.
-- Edited by Troy on Sunday 20th of December 2015 10:50:32 PM
That is wonderful, Troy! Good for you for working so hard and attending meetings during your trip. That is exactly what is suggested especially in early recovery when we go out of town and is very important during the holidays when we usually are going through more stress. (And "stress" can be caused by good events, too).
I can't do this anymore. I'm 24 hours sober, with a group of students at a leadership conference, so no chance for a meeting until I return home tonight. I got rid of my copy of the Big Book because I didn't think I needed it anymore. I've been cruising the message boards to get a little bit of encouragement and I've likely spent more time in prayer over the past 24 hours than I had over the past year or so.
Hi Troy;
I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic.
If you like I could help you get started with the steps.
