Oh ffs.. why do i drink.. ffs.. its stupid.. .. i know what it does to me.. i know that if I keep on doing it, it will ruin me or kill me.. yet i do it none the less.
Thing is.. i love being drunk.. ..
I love drinking.. I love to put on a film or ps2 game and drink.. makes me part of that world.. part of a fictional world.. that i love..i think im scared of reality.. I used to watch certain films and drink beer the whole time..and feel part of that film.. it sounds so pathetic when typing it down.. its like my favourite thing in the whole world - to drink and watch dvd/and/or play ps2 game..
But i cant go on like this..
The thing i hate most about drinking is waking up still affected.. I hate that more than anything... Yet i can drink at night and know that if i drink a certain amount and above that i will still feel the effects when i wake up.. But i cant stop myself..
I can want things.. eg going fishing the next day.. or going to work with a clear head.. and want it really really badly.. but i cannot seem to not drink past the limit that will lead to that....
I know that i want what not drinking has to offer.. but i still drink.. Just being drunk for a few hours or wotever takes presidence over everything else.... i cant help it.. its so illogical.. ..cept that it is a disease.... the addiction is the disease and it is running my life.. I have many friends at work and i can say for sure that hardly any of them would understand this as a disease, that most of them would just say that all you had to do was to not drink.. . so i wonder how many people would stand by me if they knew the truth??
So this disease really seperates me from my friends.. .. I cant share it with them cos they dont have the ability to understand.
I know i have to get to a meeting and meet people who do understand.. I intend to do this soon.. when i can . as i said .. grow the balls.... I guess i just wish i didnt have this disease.. .. i wish i was normal .. like my friends.. . .i mean people might ask me why im down, if i appear down for abit.. but i cant say.. cos they coudlnt understand... iv experienced their opinions on this sort of subject before with other people etc so know what they are like...... so do i disregard them as friends alltogether or do i keep it from them....
Well i have no intention of telling people this secret of mine.. they will have to take me as they find me..
Hmm i have more to say but at mo i think i shall leave it there.. ..
When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Maybe then, But if you want to quit and cannot stop, that would be the time to look into a Men's Rehab. That can turn you around, when you want it, but if the desire to quit is not there yet, then it is not there yet.
I don't think Drinking is Stupid, that is the wrong word, Compulsion to Drink, and when drinking, the Disease of Alcoholism, and it is a terminal illness as you stated. Alcoholics drink, that is what they do, sometimes that is all they do.
They have a saying in AA, that is you want to drink, then go do some more investigating, but by you coming back here to this Board, it was only 10 days ago, that you had a handle on 8 days of Sobriety, and it seems like you are trying to fight it, or you would not be on a Board that is full of Recoverings Drunks, that do not drink.
I suggest that you do what it is you need to do, but if you want to give it another try, we are here for you. When you pick up a drink, it sets off the obsession to drink.
Usually when someone in the Program goes out and has a DRINK, that drink will last for many months or years, or forever. It is to me is like Playing Russian Roulette. Hope I am finished playing that one. But I can only do this thing one day at a time.
Hope and Prayer that I will see you here Sobering up again,
You were not able to go to a meeting, that is where you get the "tools" to work through the rough stuff. I have heard it said many times AA screwed up my drinking.
Love, Toni
If you need help, all you have to do is ASK for that help Rob, it will me there for you, guaranteed.
We have all been where you are right now, and want you to know we are here and we love you, no judgement from anyone here.
