So, my daughter's birthday is today. Every year I have sent her an email wishing her a Happy Birthday and sending her some money. Never hear a thank you or any response. (That is what I get for having expectations.) I am considering not contacting her today. It is something I haven't prayed enough about. I don't want to do something because "I feel", I want to do something "God wants". It is just painful to expect a message from her and never receiving one. Plus I get a bit annoyed that I raised a child who doesn't show gratitude. (My fault for having expectations).
This is one of those things I have tried to turn over to God. It is the result of my stupid days when I was pouring alcohol down my throat and not thinking of anyone but myself. I was a quiet drunk when I was still with my family. My husband was stricter than me...I grew up with spankings/standing in the corner. My daughter was not going to go through what I went through. I didn't have many toys when I was little. My daughter got pretty much everything she wanted. My parents were aloof, preoccupied when I was little. I tried to spend as much time as possible with my daughter. I was frequently being told what a great mom I was. My daughter was gifted and bored in her school. I home schooled her for one year. (Since we had a discipline problem she didn't want to do her school work so she had to go back to public school the next year, although she was at 10th grade level for reading and other subjects at the end of her 2nd year when I taught her, so my "teaching" did not hold her back too much.)
I lost a baby when she was two days old. She would have had a little sister to play with. (This was not a loss due to drinking as I was not drinking when I was pregnant). So I feel like I have lost two "babies". I love my daughter so very much. I would die for her. The alcohol numbed me and I know that I made mistakes, wrong decisions. I feel like I have more than paid for them. I even look up my daughter on the internet--hoping to see a picture of her to see what she looks like. Over the years I have pointed out people on the street, in stores, on t.v. and say "She looks like my daughter."
She recently went to Ireland for almost two weeks. Her dad tried to convince her to tell me she was going out of the country. She refused. I found out from him several days after she was gone. I happened to send him an email asking what she was up to. I guess he couldn't lie to me. He told me to call him and he told me. So there are things going on in her life that I would love to hear about and love for her to share with me. She has shut me out of her life completely.
Now.....the reason I am posting this is not to get sympathy. Oh no. Every morning I pray for my daughter....Bless Her, Change ME. I can be content with this situation to a degree as long as I know she is happy and safe. It is hard hearing about people in AA share about reconnecting with their kids. Over time I have learned to be happy for them. I would not want anyone dealing with having their child shut them out of their life. I am posting this because if you are still drinking and think you have a problem, please be aware that you are not only messing up your life--you could be messing up the lives of your precious loved ones. I screwed up my marriage and I have not seen my daughter for seven years now. There is a huge hole in my heart which will never be filled. Another birthday without being with her. To her I am dead. I won't drink over it today, but I am not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt like hell. So if this posting makes even one person think about the possibility of being shut out by one or more of their children and get help for their drinking, then what I am going through would not be in vain.
I can't give you any advice about your situation, cause I'm not really that smart, and I might say the wrong thing. Sometimes, I need to keep my brutal honesty in check, and this is one of those times. Let me just say that some people, (outside of AA), need to learn forgiveness. And if they can't, then that's THEIR problem. Maybe in time, she will come around. The important thing is, you're not drinking, and, like you said, you're not going to drink over this situation. All you can do is be yourself, and being a sober yourself is the absolutely best chance you ever have of having a relationship with her ever again.
So, although I can't give you any words of advice, I can give you words of encouragement, and, to be honest, you seem like a good person with a strong program. So, maybe she doesn't see the good in you yet, or the change, but I do. You can't change or control somebody else, but its possible you might be able to change the way they think about you, and the best way to do that is to continue on the path that you're on. For some people, forgiveness takes a long time, so, be patient, in time, maybe things will work out.
Thanks guys for your words of encouragement. I am really fine. I went to two meetings yesterday. No one had volunteered for coffee for one of them, so I did that and think it was timely. It was late in getting ready, but there was coffee. Signed up for more service work to do for the next month. As long as I focus on helping others I am good to go. In comparison to what is going on in the rest of the world, I have no problems and am really very fortunate. Main thing is I am sober. I can feel my emotions now and accept them--good and bad. I FEEL! And what I have learned since being in this program, that it feels great to FEEL again!
That boomarang story is something else, Rick. Thanks for sharing your story. Very encouraging.
