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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> I`m a new sponsor and my new sponsee won`t stop drinking.
Post Info TOPIC: I`m a new sponsor and my new sponsee won`t stop drinking.
S3r3n1ty


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I`m a new sponsor and my new sponsee won`t stop drinking.
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Hi guys - I`m brand new to this site and would welcome some advice.  I`m a new sponsor & have known my sponsee from AA meetings for over a year.  We`ve gone for coffee various times one to one.  She asked me to be her sponsor in June when she called me from a hotel at 6am after a night drinking.  I went over there and we discussed the steps & the programme in depth and what they could do for her.  I explained the importance of her HP and funnily enough when we drew the curtains open - the venue for that morning`s AA meet was clearly visible from the hotel window!  I told her that was the start of her HP trying to make contact etc.,  We went to the meeting together and afterwards made the first arrangement to meet up one to one.

We had a very honest one to one initially - she told me about her private life and her drinking history.  We covered Step 1 and she produced some amazingly honest written work.  She was sober for 5 days and talked about positive dreams and possible HP `moments` that had happened.

She`d had a good week and gone to meetings every day (I went with her when I could)

The following week when I arrived at her house to start Step 2 work - I found her crashed on the sofa at 1pm clearly the worse for wear.  She said she hadn`t drank the night before - she`d been drinking heavily that morning - despite her knowing I`d be there at 1pm.  We talked for 3 hours at length about her feelings.  Her husband is an alcoholic too and spends all day drinking (they share the same house)

This lady is an extremely intelligent high profile scientist, she trusts me and has shared some very private history with me.  She has periods of sobriety and once even went to rehab despite her being sober at the time - much to the staffs` amazement.  But she isn`t `happy`, `comfortable` sober - she`s hanging onto self-will in order to achieve these times.

Any advice would be warmly welcome - this lady has so much to get well for and two grown children who are supportive but very worried.

Thanks in advance x

 

 

 



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StPeteDean


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Sounds like you've done a lot to get her moving in the right direction. In my experience, it's very difficult for a person, who is living with or married to another alcoholic, to get sober. Especially when that person is also their drinking partner. She also has a great job, good income I'd expect.... Motivation to get sober usually involves loss of relationships, jobs, income, means to support oneself, freedom...etc... I heard early on that "the four horsemen of denial are Youth, Health, Wealth, and Brains" add to that enablers, and when an alcoholic has an abundance of one or more of these assets then sobriety is challenging.

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hopefulone


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She hasn't hit her bottom yet and is not ready to quit drinking.

I was sponsoring someone for awhile and they were unable to stay sober. I talked to my sponsor and was told that I needed to protect my own sobriety and to tell my sponsee I could not be of help to her until she was serious about quitting drinking. It really brought me down for quite a while and I even blamed myself. I realized after a while that I did everything I could to help her and I cannot keep her sober. There are plenty of people in AA who are serious about staying sober I can help.

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MakingWaves


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All your answers are really clear in the BB. I would take a good read of Step 12 again (I'm assuming you're already very familiar with it if you're ready to sponsor.)

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S3r3n1ty


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Thank you to all three who replied. All equally valuable and correct advice. I suppose I knew the answer already but it`s hard to be `hard` if you`re soft on the inside. . . I think that`s why I needed to guys to spell it out for me. She simply hasn`t had enough yet.

I`ll be there for her when she`s ready - but she hasn`t reached that point. There are others who I can be helping who are ready to go to any lengths and in the meantime - I must let her go - with love and understanding. . .



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Pythonpappy


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Welcome to MIP S3r3nity, glad you found us ...

I think most Sponsors have had sponcees like you've described, I know I've had a few like that ... a couple that hadn't lost everything YET, and a couple that had ... yet they went back and drank again ... some after a week or two and some after a few months ... you've already received a few good replies, so, all I can say is that YOU are not responsible for her sobriety, only your own ... She obviously hasn't had enough pain yet and has yet to realize that drinking has never solved any problems, only made them worse ...

Tell her, 'I can't stop you from drinking, but I can be available if and when you're serious about stopping' ... cause the idea is to make progress, and when she drinks, she's just digging her hole deeper ... best of luck ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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davep12and12


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S3r3n1ty wrote:

Thank you to all three who replied. All equally valuable and correct advice. I suppose I knew the answer already but it`s hard to be `hard` if you`re soft on the inside. . . I think that`s why I needed to guys to spell it out for me. She simply hasn`t had enough yet.

I`ll be there for her when she`s ready - but she hasn`t reached that point. There are others who I can be helping who are ready to go to any lengths and in the meantime - I must let her go - with love and understanding. . .

 I have been in your position too. I had to give my sponsee a meeting schedule and tell him "I'm an alcoholic and I need to go to meetings. If you decide you've had enough and you want to get sober, that's where I'll be and you can meet me there". 



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S3r3n1ty


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Thanks pap and dave. My head is clear on this one now. I want her to have what I`ve got, but it`s not about me - it`s about her. I feel like you`ve given me `permission` to detach (if that makes sense) I know I can`t make her well - only she can do that. :)

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Quakeroat1


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I feel the same way as the people who have already responded.
It's so easy going from my own experience of not letting go sooner, to become depressed by the whole situation.
Some people would call it "survivor guilt "
It seems to me that sometimes I get an overwhelming need to help someone who doesn't seem to be able to drop the rock they are carrying to prevent themselves from drowning.
However looking at the lives I have been useful in, and how do I know that, because someone has been so grateful at times I can't believe they are talking about me.
So statistically we are not odds on to save everyone, just some and that is wonderful news considering how mentally ill and emotionally dead I was when I came to the fellowship.
One day I can ask my maker WHY? But until then I'm satisfied that he hold the key to all unknown.

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S3r3n1ty


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Thanks Quaker x



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Pythonpappy


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S3r3n1ty wrote:

Thanks pap and dave. My head is clear on this one now. I want her to have what I`ve got, but it`s not about me - it`s about her. I feel like you`ve given me `permission` to detach (if that makes sense) I know I can`t make her well - only she can do that. :)

 Very well said S3...., I think you'll do fine ... 



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Zoomtopz


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Sorry to Have to say this.

WALK away while you can , it seems you can NOT bring her up to your level.

BUT she Will bring you down to hers . And you know this .

When she wants to get "fair Dinkum" with herself , she will stop . "fair dinkum"

Means true & honest .

Serenity , YOU Have to think of Yourself here . We carry the message.

We do Not carry the alcoholic.



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Rick.

@ 37 I was too young & good looking to be an alkie.

still too young , still got th good looks. still n alkie.
Db1105


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I would suggest reading 'Questions and Answeres on Sponsorship'. You can find it online at AA dot org.

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peterjohnson


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