The last 24 hours have just been hard. I am four months sober, have worked the program, did a 90-in-90, have a sponsor, and have created a support network of sober friends. Yesterday I learned information that lead me to report my brother and sister-in-law to the department of child and family services in my state. I went to a meeting where I saw someone with a lot of sober time (30 years plus) continue to comment on someone needing to "talk to that boy" because the speaker was having a hard time avoiding cursing. He looked pained and was nervous to share and his story was pretty heart-wrenching. It's uncommon to come across a group like the one that held this meeting, who were very anti-cursing and very vocal about it (most groups in my area are laid-back and use the phrase "we ask that you try to refrain from cursing in the interest of courtesy to others"). Anyway, that bothered me and I knew I was in a bad mood, so I called my sponsor to talk to her about all of this and she wasn't exactly in a good mood so it was just one big frustrating talk that went nowhere. I did go and call a close friend of mine who calmed me down and helped me to just go and call the abuse hotline on my brother, which made me feel both better (All I want is to protect my nephew), but also anxious because it will be responded to in 24 hours, meaning there is a chance my mom could put 2 + 2 together and realize I did it. I'm technically a mandatory reporter, but... anyway...
I woke up this morning to find out that the supervisor from the job that I left 4 months ago to get sober died yesterday. No one seems to have any details. She was amazing and helped me through some really rough times, but I never contacted her when I left to go on disability to get sober and never even gave her a courtesy call when I knew I would hit the mark where my job couldn't be held any longer for me. I recently took my 5th step and she's on my list for my 9th step... Now I will never be able to make amends.
I am sad and frustrated and stuck. I keep wanting to pray to turn over my will to my higher power, but it doesn't come easy. How could a higher power bring all of this about? What am I being punished for? Is this the fall out from realizing just how many I've hurt by drinking and abusing RX & OTC meds? I am not actively suicidal, but I have passively thought about what my contingency plan could be. I am a year and four months clean from self harm and I don't want to give up that sobriety or the sobriety from drugs and alcohol. My emotions are overwhelming. I am afraid to be too needy, so I really don't want to turn to my close friends for help; i have leaned SO MUCH on two of my friends these past 4 months I can't ask them to hold this too. Part of me is untrusting of my other friends- I am afraid they will not hear the part where I want to live and will just end up trying to send me to a hospital. I'm not really feeling calling my sponsor again after yesterday. I emailed my therapist about calling child services, but I don't want to add on my supervisor dying and putting all of that on her. I don't want to go to others to be manipulative, as I have in the past. I don't want to force others to save me and I don't want to worry anyone.
I know that this too shall pass. I know it will get better. but right now I feel alone. I feel like maybe my higher power has decided I've used up all the "help" i can get for right now. Yea, I know it doesn't work that way, but I feel both very undeserving of leaning on anyone (deity or otherwise) and very angry that things like this happen.
I commend you for doing a very difficult thing in reporting the abuse situation. You did what you felt you had to do to protect your nephew. Say a prayer of thanks to your HP and try and let it go. It is not your burden to hold onto.
You can make an amends to your supervisor. Talk to your sponsor.
You are going to go to meetings that you will love and you will go to meetings you are not really crazy about. There are so many folks and since we are all different in so many ways, there are going to be those who say and do things you will not agree with and do not approve of. That's okay. You don't have to approve. You also don't have to dwell on it. I had to tell myself that I could not let every little (and things I thought were big) get to me. This is tough. My mind wants to judge other people and their behaviors. I had been doing it most of my life and getting off the drink wasn't going to magically take away all my faults. I now try and focus on my behavior. I tell myself "I ain't their Mama" when someone does something that irritates me. People curse in meetings all the time. It bothered the heck outta me. I stopped going to certain meetings because that "F" word kept flying out of mouths. The Chair can request that we refrain from cursing all they want and for some reason, there are going to be those who do not respect that request. It is just a word. I'm sober. Let it go are all things I would say to myself. I think the need to use language like that is for attention. I'm no prude myself and have colored up the air quite a bit throughout my life. All I can do is watch my behavior. I go to the meetings to hear messages which help me stay sober. I can choose to sit there and stew over a four letter word someone used ten or fifteen minutes ago, or I can choose to tune those things out and focus on the "now" and listen carefully for things which are being shared at that moment.
It took a good while for me to finally be able to feel comfortable enough to turn everything over to my HP, who is God for me. I still want to take my will back sometimes and like when I would choose to drink again, by doing so, it only made my life more messed up. Talk to your sponsor about being more willing to let go. She will help you.
I have been where you are about wanting to end your life. I suggest you seek the help of a trained therapist if you are seriously contemplating that. Also think about it this way......you are new in recovery. I was a mess that early and still have days where I feel like the creeping crud is taking over. You are going to have these kind of days/weeks, etc. Particularly when you have more stress than you usually do are the times when you need to up your meeting attendance. I make at least one meeting and sometimes two a day when I am having a rough time. I HAVE TO. I WANT TO LIVE! And I say that in all caps because it is very important to me. Call people. These boards are great for support, however, calling folks and talking to them are helpful before you want to drink. Lean on your sponsor more. And honey, Pray Pray Pray! Whatever Higher Power you believe in, pray. It worked for me. These words you used....."I feel like maybe my higher power has decided I've used up all the "help" i can get for right now. Yea, I know it doesn't work that way, but I feel both very undeserving of leaning on anyone (deity or otherwise) and very angry that things like this happen." .......they are exactly what I thought earlier in my sobriety. Thank God I hung onto what I heard others in the rooms say about things getting better. Work the program as hard and as diligently as you can. I was somewhat lazy so it took me longer and I hung onto my misery longer than I should have.
And the next time you hug that darling nephew of yours think about how grateful you are to be around to have changed his life for the better! He may not have had anyone else to help him.
Welcome to this discussion forum, DanceofRecovery. Congrats on your 4 months. That is really a great start.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. But it also sounds like you need some help from others. So don't try to do it alone. Maybe call your sponsor back.
Welcome to MIP DanceofRecovery, ... glad you found us ...
Congrats for sticking with the program and doing the 90-in-90 and working the steps ... sound as though you did the right thing reporting the abuse of your brother's kids ... especially since kids have 'NO' choice in the matter ...
I used to use some offensive words when I shared in meetings early in sobriety ... then I visited an old group I used to go to and saw this new plaque on the wall that essentially said 'The use of foul language to express a point or a feeling, was NOT a sign of spiritual progress' ... ... ... That stopped me dead in my tracks and I have rarely used that type language since ... and it does bother me to hear it in the meetings ... but that will vary depending on the location of the group demographically ...
Sorry to hear of your past supervisor ... but you CAN make an amends, by doing a graveside amends like I did with my mom ... write out what you want to say, go to the graveside and make the amends with prayer, then go and burn your list so as to be gone forever ... done ...
You should try and keep trying to turn your life over to your HP ... you ARE NOT being 'punished' for your past deeds, except by allowing those thoughts in your head ... STOP renting space to those demons and turn all that over to God as you see fit ... and don't forget, God does not work on 'our' timetable, so we must learn patience .... in time, all things turn out for the best ... be patient and have faith ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha DanceofRecovery and good shout out and reach out. That is what we do when we're stuck we reach out for others and then sit and listen with an open mind. I didn't know anything about alcoholism when I got into recovery and the best I did for myself was mainly sit and listen to others until the light went on. I was as dumb as a stick when I first arrived and caused myself and the fellowship more problems that I intended...however following the suggestion "If you keep and open mind you will find help..." became a fulfilled miracle for me and I keep coming back. The fellowship including my sponsor and literature and meetings and all of it as what my "suicide" is about. I was suicidal when I first arrived and with the help of the program and my Higher Power I learned a different perspective on it. The difference between a failed suicide and a successful suicide. Yes for me that is real. The failed suicide is ending my life and the successful suicide was ending how I lived my life and received one I would not want to give up at any time. That is the life I have now.
I don't believe that you are being punished as much as you are being tested by change. You are coming over to changing how you are living your live and that is very different than how you lived it 4 months ago. Time to trust your HP and the Program...we are not about perfection...we are about progress. We cam pass this test together. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Glad you found this group and I hope you find the support you're looking for. Each new member brings more strength and hope. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and you're taking the right steps to stay on the right track. Your friends are glad to be there for you as no one can do this program alone. Keep going to meetings and stay in touch here. People care! Best wishes!
Welcome DanceofRecovery. Like others have said you seem to be on the right track, especially working those steps at a good rate. Just a couple of thoughts on that and your concerns about handing your will and life over, which in my view is one of those trite statements, easy to say but how do we do it? Step three is merely a decision, and just making a decision does not make it established fact. To put our third step decision into effect we do what you have begun to do, take the next steps which remove the blockages to that two way communication with our Higher Power.
How did your step 5 go? Did you tell someone your whole life story, all the secrets, memories and events that haunted you? How did it feel? The big book promises if we are thorough about this part of the program, witholding noting, we will be delighted. That was my experience, and like the book says, I felt at the time it was the beginning of a spiritual experience for me. hopefully the same will happen for you.
As far as handing our will and life over on a daily basis, this is done in step eleven, not three. By eleven we have cleaned house and put ourselves in a position to establish a working relationship with the God of our understanding. In a few words, we seek direction from our HP asking what would He/She/it have us do today, rather than what do "I" want today, then in meditation we listen for the answers, maybe even writing down the thoughts that come to us. We can do a God's will vs self will test on what we have written down i.e. God's will = unselfish, pure, loving, honest and selfwill = the opposite of that. Then through the day we try to carry out God's will as we understand it, maybe stopping once in a while to ask for a bit of help from above.
You can see step 11 is very proactive and is about doing God's will, where as it is often interpreted that handing over just means passively accepting whatever happens in our lives. I always find the serenity prayer a big help in this too. What should I change, what should I accept? With some of the actions you described in you post it seems to me you have been following guidance to do what appears to be right rather than what might be comfortable. In the long term, this can only be of benefit to you and the people around you. Keep up the good work.
