For years I went without visiting my mom. I would put off calling her to see how she was. Sure didn't want to hear any lectures about my drinking and chose alcohol over my relationship with her (and other family members). This went on for years. Since being sober, I have kept in regular touch with her -- more phone calls--more visits. We live in the same state, different towns. She is having some health issues. She went from being this active senior citizen, attending church and its functions, dating "the man of her dreams" (I learned older folks can still fall in love and have the same emotions and feelings as teenagers), and having more friends in the later years than she has ever had, to a woman who shuffles when she walks and finds it hard to do simple things for herself. Every morning I would be awakened to moans from her the pain which she is experiencing. I did what I could for her while I was visiting her, knowing it wasn't enough--fixing her meals, cleaning and trying to make her as comfortable as I could. I hated getting in the car and leaving her. I will move closer to her if I need to and be there for her.
My brother called her when I was there. I haven't seen him in years and would not have recognized his voice. We talked for a long time--I realized something wasn't quite right--the fast talking, slurred speech and repeating himself made it difficult to understand him. He was drunk. I have never heard him drunk before that time. I didn't know he had an issue with alcohol. He lived in my parents' home when my dad was drunk all the time. He, like me, complained about him often and both of us were so resentful of him not being able to just stop drinking and stop hurting us. We had all "put up" with my dad for years. It was over twenty years ago, January 1st and three days after my Dad's birthday, my brother ran downstairs after my mom shouted for him. My Dad had collapsed and my brother ran to him and tried in vain to revive him with CPR. My mother later told me that it was amazing that my brother was able to detach himself emotionally and was mechanic in his efforts. Despite my brother's experience as a rescue squad volunteer for years and his training as an EMT at a hospital, my Dad died. We were told that my Dad had so much wrong with him from his alcohol abuse that it was difficult to determine what one thing actually took him away from us. My brother told me on the phone that this is something he has never gotten over--his inability to save Dad.
And through all that, like me, my brother just didn't "get it". Blame others on their addiction and the pain they have caused us, while sinking into our own addiction and allowing it to ruin our lives just like our loved one did. I cannot judge or help him other than to share my own experiences since being sober so I told him about AA and I told him about my renewed faith in God and hope I now have. He has missed holidays, birthdays and has rarely visited my mom over the years although he lives about 20 miles away from her--considerably closer than I do. I should have realized the similarities to my behaviors--I was too busy drinking myself to notice. I can't get my brother sober. All I can do is pray for him .
Thank you for letting me share and I apologize for being so long-winded. I hope that it helps someone out there who is struggling with this disease.
-- Edited by hopefulone on Thursday 11th of June 2015 09:43:37 AM
The story of your brother was quite compelling ... it reminded me of the times that, I too, drank to ease the pain of failure ... and I had went through noth'n like you described ... wow, what a traumatic event ... the only way I could handle such events today is with the knowledge that God, my higher power, is with me every step of the way ... and know that the results are/were in His hands ...
I will keep your brother, and you, in my prayers ... that he will come to see such a difference in you that he will come to seek what you have, peace of mind ... and that you will be there to guide him in the AA program and 'way of life', should he come to seek it ... and I pray he does if he is one of us ... and it sounds as if he may very well be one of us ...
I might suggest that you call to ask him how he's do'n on a regular basis ... and if the topic arises about how you came to abstain from drink'n, then by all means, explain what it did to your life and how the AA program has helped change that and how it makes you feel today ... if you can peek his interest, then take him to a meeting that you know to be good for him ... I wish you the best ... it's the ones we love that cause us the most concern ... seize the opportunity to save him ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you Pappy. I am going to keep in touch with my brother. I covered quite a bit in our conversation about my drinking and the consequences I had to face. I am not sure if he remembers much of it. My mom talked to him the next day and he had forgotten some of what she told him about her condition. I pray that you are right about him wanting to come to AA meetings and choose to live and not die of this dreaded disease. It is in God's hands--no worry, no fear from this gal. Just prayer.
I hope your brother will see the change in you and want this for himself one day. You can then share the AA experience with him and maybe take him to a meeting or give him a Big Book. Unfortunately, most of us had to hot bottom before we started climbing back up. You can be a good example for him to follow. You have my prayers and so does your brother. Best wishes!
