In August of 2014 I spent 3 months in an alcohol recovery center. I am currently 10 months sober and have never been happier.
Recently I've began seeing a woman I just met. She doesn't know anything about my sobriety because we've only been on 2 dates and it never came up. When I've met new people and they ask why I don't drink, I just tell them "I don't like the way it makes me feel". But I'm curious - once you start dating, how long before you break it to the other person that you're in recovery, not just abstaining from alcohol? My sobriety is the most important thing in my life. I know that if she doesn't approve or is a little freaked out, it isn't meant to be. However, something like this can be pretty heavy for people who aren't in recovery because they don't always understand the disease. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to freak her out too early.
Any thoughts/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Before I would want to go out with anyone who I think may be a romantic interest at all I would have to know if they drink or not. If they do--that is a deal breaker for me. I don't even hang out with people who drink. I don't want to be around the stuff--period. I have heard of some people who have friends who drink, date or are married to drinkers. Good for them. I am not going to take that risk. Since you asked, my suggestion is to tell her before there is a possibility of getting more involved. Does she drink? There are some drinkers who don't want to get involved with alcoholics--in or out of recovery. They want to be able to enjoy their one or two drinks without having to deal with someone like us. I would never want to be with a non-drinker who has an issue with my alcoholism. I would want someone who would be understanding of my illness and know that I am doing everything I can to stay well.
And isn't it a shame that some folks are so inquisitive about why one chooses not to drink? I don't ever remember asking anyone that. But then again, maybe I was too drunk to remember doing so :)
Although I was at first, I now know that being an alcoholic is nothing to be ashamed of. I am ashamed of all the times I made a fool of myself and even broke the law because of my drinking. Congratulations on 10 months of sobriety. That is great!
For me, the rule of thumb would be about the same as it would be for letting someone know about any other personal health issue. And that would probably tend to be something like 1) not taking the lead and going out of my way to mention it at all, at first, then 2) at some point, if they ask 'don't you drink?' I would answer 'no'. and leave it at that. 3) if they want more info, I might mention that I used to drink, but I don't any more and haven't for a long time now. 4) If & when the relationship looks like it's really got potential for something substantial and long term, that's when I would feel that it would be best to tell someone about me being in AA and what that means, along with any other health issues that someone might bring up to someone they are dating seriously, and I would want the other person to feel that they could do the same and tell me things like that about themselves.
Recently I've began seeing a woman I just met. She doesn't know anything about my sobriety because we've only been on 2 dates and it never came up. When I've met new people and they ask why I don't drink, I just tell them "I don't like the way it makes me feel". But I'm curious - once you start dating, how long before you break it to the other person that you're in recovery, not just abstaining from alcohol? My sobriety is the most important thing in my life. I know that if she doesn't approve or is a little freaked out, it isn't meant to be. However, something like this can be pretty heavy for people who aren't in recovery because they don't always understand the disease. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to freak her out too early.
Any thoughts/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
"...if she doesn't approve..." "is a little freaked out...." "...pretty heavy for people who aren't in recovery..." "...freak her out..."
Man, are you so seeing this from a guarded and gloomy perspective or is it my imagination?
This is 2015. Recovery is a commonly known concept. Most adults have some exposure to it in their professional and family life. Intelligent and caring people aren't apt to get "freaked out" by someone in recovery like the old days.
The fact that you're worried about this probably means you should be staying out of relationships for the first year. At 10 months, having a relationship was the farthest thing from my mind. I so desperately wanted long term sobriety and to make it to my first year. I was still attending meetings daily (did this for the first 3.5 years) and I stayed out of serious relationships for over 3 years as well. btw, relationships is the number one cause of relapse for people with more than a year (of course that would be drinking over a relationship ). Why don't you just focus on being friends, sleep in your own bed, for awhile, till you get a good handle on your program. Have you completed the steps with a sponsor? What does the sponsor think about this question of yours? Or about you entering into a relationship at this time?
I tell people very up front and usually pretty early on. It's important for me to be transparent. I am proud of my sobriety and, just speaking for myself, I don't even bother with half truths when asked why I don't drink. I tell people I am sober now and that alcohol once ruined my life and that I why I don't drink and that I am in AA. This way they never offer me drinks in the future (unless they forget) and also I present a side to me that is important to me. AA and recovery are a lifestyle and a value system for me. I don't lead with it as much as I used to (from year 1 to 3 sober I would say), but I still embrace it and consider my recovery and AA membership to be an asset and if others don't see it that way, LATER!!
). Why don't you just focus on being friends, sleep in your own bed, for awhile, till you get a good handle on your program. Have you completed the steps with a sponsor? What does the sponsor think about this question of yours? Or about you entering into a relationship at this time?