First, Phil, I do appoligise, I didn't know you were quoting a rather pompous book. So I guess my email would or should go to the author, who I imagine isn't around anymore. Second I can't quit yet, the funny thing is I know I will at some point, and everyone of the posts I've read, have been from some very real, and down to earth people, so I will likely come back then.
Toni, you asked, and I told, at least a little. I will find my own way, I'm reading, studying, learning as much as I can, I will find a way to pull myself up, and eventually out.
Wanna know a little tidbit? My Dad didn't approve of drinking until he was in Korea for a while, when he came back, he was an alcoholic, he had his ups and downs, but, here's the weird thing. If I could choose between my Mom, a non - drinker, and my Dad, who use to polish off the better part of a 40 of rum a night. I'd choose my Dad, he was tough, but he was fair, if he was mad, he'ld speak his piece, and walk away, ( even drunk ) once he mulled things over, he always had the solution, and the would follow it thru. Sometimes he'ld break stuff, stumbling, and sometimes, he'ld drink and think he was in another time, sometimes, he'ld even raise his voice, but all you had to do was be honest, tell him where and when he was, or just simply say his name. He always looked so sad, but he'ld stop, and find a place to go to sleep.
My Dad was the one to load up the "bus" in the mornings on the weekends with all the neighbourhood kids, and take us to the beach. My Dad was the one we use to attack on Saturday mornings for beat up Daddy days, then would go and cook a big a-- breakfast. My Dad was the parent with the look of pride on his face when you did good. My Dad was the wind beneath my sails, even when the treatments took his strength, took everything accept his spirit. All he had to do was look at me, with his I love you, I believe in you look, and I could find the strength to deal with whatever came my way.
No, he wasn't perfect, I worked an entire summer, babysitting, every other weekend too. He took my babysitting money, he said to pay for the supplies I needed for my wood working class. I know better now, but truth be told, if I had to choose between my alcoholic Dad and most other parents out there, my Dad would be my first choise hands down.
Another lil' tidbit, my step Mom finally gave my Dad a choise, ( his drinking was dam expensive) quit or she would quit him, he quit, for 6 months. 40 ounces of rum a night to nothing, when he started again, he switched to what he always called Pop, light beer, and he never had more than 6.
I know you guys aren't going to like what I'm going to say right now, but from everyone I've known with an alcohol problem, they have all had something underlying it. With my Dad, it was what he saw in Korea, with some people, it's self esteme, with some people it's darker than those things, it's a deep seeded anger, or other dark things that I won't talk about, as a matter of fact, I've never met a person with a drinking problem that didn't have an underlying problem.
Right now, I've cut myself off from anyone who was hurting me, even if I do feel guilty about it, I told Toni a lil' bit. I'm having an easier time thinking of good things, and so I'm not drinking as much as I was. Still too much, but less, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed, that I can set up enough Happy Stuff, that I will pull myself out of this, and not fall back into it again. Even if my heart was in the right place, I didn't have the support to do what I tried to do, and now I'm facing the consequences.
Bye for now, wish me luck, but please don't pray for me, anytime anyone prays for me, or anytime I've prayed for strength, peace, or guidence, things just got worse. I believe in God, but, I don't like him very much right now.
Kat, no need to be sorry! wow! I really understand what you're saying. Yes,, it sounds like your dad might have been medicating himself for PTSD. I have PTSD from 'combat' too. It is said by that 'pompous book' that drinking is but a symptom of other problems,, so that agrees with what you are saying.
It sounds like you have trouble also dealing with the negative feelings that we all have sometimes, and came here to share it,,, and that is good. That is what I do, too. I guess I keep most things buried, and alcohol was the means that I did that,, but once in awhile it comes up anyway.
I understand what you are saying about that an alcoholic can be a good person,, and a sober person can be very difficult to deal with. That's why AA goes beyond just getting dry and gets into a whole self-improvement thing,, mainly helping us to learn better coping skills.
I also understand being angry at God, and not really understanding Him. God had allowed some pretty horrible things to happen in my life,, and so I thought He was kind of mean. But, I learned that it wasn't Him that did all that, and that I had learned some things that were not true about Him,,,, and what I did was really confront God.. lol.. I let Him know how angry I was at Him, and what I thought..... and,, in doing Step 2 for the third time,,, I got an inkling into how He had actually gotten me through those things, and in Step 3 began to try to trust Him and found out He is willing to guide me and help me through it all, and He has blessed me in amazing ways. But,,, you are where I was before,,, and I understand that,,, and it's okay.
You are very welcome to come here any time you want to, and there are no 'obligations'.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Open your mind and your heart and BELIEVE it will get better. But you must take the first Step and you must do the work. If you desire to be sober, it can be done, and the rest will never matter again. I promise.
Sorry, hun, but I WILL be praying for you. Prayer works.
Love and hugs.
"It is through the continuous work of the Steps and the life in the Fellowship that I've learned to see that there is truly a better way into which I am being guided."
~Daily Ref. 2/22
-- Edited by Doll at 05:53, 2006-02-22
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Wow, you sound a lot like me in many ways. I used to drink for similar reasons, and didn't quit or try to because I didn't like the thought of facing my problems and feelings. I drank to get drunk, plain and simple. I wanted to be numb-and my life wasn't ever that bad, I was just depressed and sad and angry...and yes, I know I have some long-term problems I have never wanted to face. At times I hated myself, because I felt my life was one of failure, of wasted time and missed chances. I got bogged down in that sort of negative thought, and felt my life got better if I got drunk. Heck, I needed alcohol to help me sleep...why not? And so I kept drinking-even after I was seeing a counselor. It took me over three months of counseling before I realized I needed more, and more meant rehab for me. That was hard to accept, and I felt lucky I got into only outpatient rehab. But I did need that, yet until I was ready and could accept the help, it would have been worthless.
So I will say to you, I think you will try to quit, when you feel you must. Maybe like me you'll have blackouts that scare you and make you see how out of control things can get. (I hated not knowing how I nearly destroyed my glasses once, and that I'd carefully put them places I couldn't remember two times before-and then there were the nights I was out on the front stoop petting a local cat and I suddenly realized she was gone magically (and so was some of my time!)) Other people have their own reasons for quitting, DUIs, fights, getting fired for drinking at work, etc. But I do feel you know you have a problem with alcohol, and you seem to know you will stop drinking at some point-or try to. I found it was not as easy to quit as I thought-my habit was too ingrained in my head, I drank when sad, anxious, angry, happy, tired, bored, frustrated...I seemed to need it to cope with anything after a while. And I tried four times to stop between November 2nd and the New Year, but ended up drinking each time. My sobriety lasted six days at most. Easy? Not exactly.
I felt I knew plenty about the disease, could "diagnose" others with it even. But I ended up in rehab anyway, and finally went to AA. And right now, I am grateful I did both, and that I am still seeing my counselor. I know I have serious underlying problems, and I need to deal with them or I will kill myself with alcohol. SO I am trying to deal with my anger, the damage done to me in grade school (which may have caused my anger) and whatever else I need to work on. But alcohol is the primary disease I must treat, because if I drink as I did, I will die in time. And I might take others with me if I drive drunk again (and I really enjoyed driving when drunk, I felt like I had the best time and never got caught because I was such a "great" driver-ha! I ended up on the wrong side of a Wal-Mart entrance one night, I excused myself because it was dark-no, I was just very, very drunk! I didn't get caught because I was lucky and I live so close to anyplace I drove, the police had little time to notice me.)
I understand feeling the Big Book is pompous-it seems that way at first. But much of that is the style in which it is written, which was dictated by the time it was written. The gist is still valid, and the 12 steps are a great way to live once you accept them. You are not at that stage yet, going to AA would not help much if any-rehab would also be wasted on you now. I might suggest a counselor, but if you can't afford one, that is no good. I think if you are reading and learning about the disease, and having an open mind, you are doing the best you can for now. But please do see if some help that you can afford is available. I needed to be eased into the idea of rehab, and AA. I was in denial for months, but did know I had other problems and that was why I sought help in the first place-I was shocked to learn I was most likely an alcoholic as well. I felt I was too smart and didn't drink enough or for long enough to be a real alcoholic. But seeing a counselor who specialized in addiction did finally show me I was an alcoholic, and when his predictions about my drinking all seemed to come true, I found it was time for more help. I was ashamed that I needed rehab, but once I went, I decided to throw myself into it-I did not want to go again!
Quitting on your own can work, I suppose. But I think AA can eventually help you-or you can find another 12 step program that better suits you. Maybe just counseling will be enough. There is no one way which works each time with every person. But you will need to quit, if you are an alcoholic. Alcohol will not help solve your other problems, and it will actaully make them worse. So you do owe it to yourself to get help if you need it, and do what it takes to get sober and handle your problems. Life can be too good to live for alcohol's numbness.
Be good to yourself, and consider getting help soon. Isolation is a terrible thing. Keep at least reading this board and posting, too-you may not agree with AA or everyone here, but this is a good place to see the views of people who have been through all sorts of alcohol-related troubles. It helps me to read the humor, too.
Was moved by your PM, I will write later when I have more time.
So many words, so much reading, can and does over- whelm, it did for me.
Glad you Posted again, and look forward to more communication.
If you want what we have, a Sober Life, please stay for a while, my experience is that this is not a I'll do this Program, but a WE Program, ALL THE WAY.
Tried doing it myself, up to the gates of Insanity.
But surrendered just before my own life was going to be over, permanently.
Now Live a somewhat peaceful life, and somewhat happy life, just one moment at a time.
