I am 31 years old and am finally ready to surrender. I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I have not lost everything as a result of my drinking yet, but I have lost enough to finally realize that all of it has a root in my drinking behaviors. I have had a huge internal struggle with spirituality and the concept of God. I truly feel that if I cannot open my mind up to the principles of this program that I will eventually fall off of the ledge I have been teetering on for the better part of the last 17 years. Things are still very foggy for me right now. Any suggestions or direction would be greatly appreciated.
Your current 'mind-set' is so familiar to me ... When I first tried AA, I could not get the thought out of my head that I wasn't like these folks, I had not lost my car, boat, driver's licence, family, or home ... YET ... so I went back out and continued to drink ... for years ...
One day, in one of the rehabs I tried, they had us write down exactly what we had lost due to our habit ... I thought, my boat is gone now, as was my Hot Rod, my retirement bundle had dwindled down to -0-, from $600,000, and my expensive toys were nearly gone ... not to mention the 'fortune' I had worked for all my young life ... and now my family had taken me out of the 'will' and shunned me at every turn ... and my wife was in touch with a lawyer to take measures for a divorce ...
All those 'YETS' were happening to me ... then I lost my drivers licence ... So I realized I couldn't keep do'n the same thing and expect things to change, I had to change ME ...
At 1st, I came back to AA and used the 'AA group' as my higher power ... God knows, they were more 'in touch' with 'life' than I was ... I did much more than the '90 meetings in 90 days' they recommended, and somewhere along the journey, I came to know God like I'd never felt before ... one day, BAM, I knew He was there beside me, and had been all along ... I just had to 'wake-up' to that fact ... pg. 55 of our BB sez:
Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself. We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.
So, if you're suffering the effects of alcoholism, ... join us on the happy road to sober living, it's great and you will not regret it ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
We don't arrive at AA having figured spirituality out. We arrive to start a journey of healing. Stay open minded. Your spirituality is going to consist of things that have personal meaning to you - not just what people tell you. Get to meetings, find a sponsor, and take it a day at a time. Don't worry about whether your future ability to adapt spiritually will be your demise...That is not happening TODAY. For today, you are surrendering and are willing to give this a shot. That is all that matters right now. Keep it simple and take action. Don't over think.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks guys. I do have the tendancy to overthink just about everything, seems to be my nature. Part of the reason I struggle with the spiritual aspect is because I have a recovering alcoholic for a father who has tried to drill his version of it into my head. His version does not sit well with me and I think I've been rebellious both to it and sobriety, much to my downfall. I will get to a meeting this week. I will do my best to keep it simple. Thank you all again for responding. It is really helping me today.
I'm 31 too, and I think this is an ideal age to begin getting sober :) We are old enough to no longer blame destructive drinking on our youth, and we are still young enough to live a large chunk of our lives being able to avoid pissing away any more than we already have.
What finally got me to trust AA was a story I read about a woman who used Elvis Presley as her higher power and stayed sober. She didn't believe in God, and this was her doorway into trusting that a power greater than herself could restore her to sanity. Not my route, but it worked for her.
I'm relatively new to sobriety, but am very quickly learning that this program is not a dogmatic one that asks people to believe anything specific - except that we are not the center of the universe. When we are obsessed with ourselves, when we think we are God, we carry an unfathomable burden on our shoulders and we become so self-centered that there's no choice but to be drunk all the time. Nobody wants to (or can) bear that weight.
My opinion is that once we start believing in *something* bigger than ourselves - whether it is a Christian God, Buddhist philosophy, or Elvis Presley - we learn a lesson in humility, we learn that we don't have to carry the burden of existence alone, and we learn that we can do so in the company of others who have been in the same boat we are in. That kind of camaraderie and support is incredible.
Anyway, best of luck and keep going to meetings. Just my two cents.
Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Think of how many years you spend drinking. It's going to take a while to heal from this sickness. Yet now everything is foggy and the glasses are cloudy. Eventually it will lift and you will have a new pair of glasses that you can see clearly with. It takes time to heal. The spiritual thing I think everyone has trouble grasping. Alcohol caused a loss of spiritual values. Just keep it in today. The spiritual thing will come with time. If you stayed sober today that's a spiritual miracle in itself for it is foreign to our nature to get sober. The great thing is the willingness to surrender. Can't change until that happens and it opens a great many doors to your new life that is just unfolding. Keep seeking help and coming back. " each night when I go to sleep I die, and the next morning when I wake up I am reborn" -Ghandi
Amen brother. You can fight this disease all you want, but in the end it will only delay the inevitable. The odds of winning this battle are slim to none. So why push your luck. I would rather take my chances on the #7 horse then to fight this disease head on. In your case, it may be the only wise alternative.
Let me ask you a question: How can we bargain with any disease let alone alcoholism? It seems a bit frivolous doesn't it? The truth is, resistance is only futile when the odds are stacked against you. It is something I know all too well.
My second stint in recovery was an exercise in futility instead of humility. I went though a period of utter defiance or rebellion as my sponsor would say. It was probably the most trying ordeal I had ever experienced. After a couple years sober, I finally realized my problem; there was no way I could manage my drinking effectively. So I surrendered instead. Now, I can enjoy sobriety without any further regrets. I hope you can too. Onward.
P.S. I had an issue with God early on same as you, but like Adam already said, it's about our higher power today not someone else's.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 02:49:02 PM
You're right Adam, 31 is a great time to get sober. It is like I have been locked in a timewarp in regards to my destructive drinking. It was a blast to be in my early 20's and have wild abandon. Unlike most people that I know who are my age I have not matured as much as a result. I could blame it on any number of things, but in reality it all comes down to the decisions I have made either while drinking or while chasing a drink. It was my priority. Everything else came in behind it. I have realized this to be true in the past but I have never confronted it head on as honestly as I am attempting to right now. I accept that this is going to take some time to heal from, I am ok with that. If I have nothing else these days, I surely have time! I am still struggling with the spiritual aspect. When I talk to God I imagine many different things, deities, concepts, even extra terrestrials! Is it absolutely crazy to think of Aliens as a power greater than myself and that they will restore me to sanity? I don't know, but the thought comforts me and the wish to drink has subsided for now. Thank you all for your continued support. Each day coming back to these forums helps me. And to think, all of you are strangers!
In my personal opinion, believing in aliens as a higher power is not nearly as crazy as endlessly repeating the cycle of getting drunk, doing stupid things, and hating oneself for it. That's total insanity! And we've all been there. Many, many times. Anyway, glad you're feeling supported. This board was my initial doorway into sobriety, actually, and I still have not so much as had an online chat with anyone from here. Reminds me of AA meetings, too - never, EVER in my entire life have I seen such a diverse group of people from all class backgrounds, educational levels, races, genders, sexual orientations, etc. unite so supportively. When we are struggling to stay alive and be sober, all of that stuff stops mattering. And the funny part is, most of the time you don't even know people's last names. For me, that speaks to the power of the program. It's a keeper and it works.
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I so agree Adam. I have always been a liberal minded person and actually had disdain for major religions prior to AA. But, I was so broken on the inside when I came to AA, I didn't care if I emerged as "God boy" or spouting "Jesus saves!" Of course none of that happened because that's not really AA. I do believe in God now. I'm Okay with most churches because I now realize they are just places were I can go to be spiritual. So...yes...continuing the cycle I was in was far more crazy than being open to new ideas. I was worried I would be brainwashed in AA for a long time and avoided it because of that. Then I got so desperate that I didn't care and figured my brain needed a good washing. It was and is a new way of thinking, but I wouldn't call it brainwashing. What has emerged is still me, but it's a better version I think.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am still struggling with the spiritual aspect. When I talk to God I imagine many different things, deities, concepts, even extra terrestrials! Is it absolutely crazy to think of Aliens as a power greater than myself and that they will restore me to sanity? I don't know, but the thought comforts me and the wish to drink has subsided for now. Thank you all for your continued support. Each day coming back to these forums helps me. And to think, all of you are strangers!
Hi Fritz, ...
I think it was Will Rogers that said "A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet" ... We're all brothers and sisters here ... when I walked into AA, I found out real quick, these people know me better than I know myself ... and today I don't just think that, I know it for a fact ...
As far as the 'God' issue ... I was given a book, quite by circumstance, that I read while in one of the rehabs I went to ... It absolutely change my perspective of God and, consequently, I developed not only a belief, but a strong 'faith' as well ... and it was not a book associated with AA in any way ... all I can say, is that it hit me like a ton of bricks and then working the AA program was so much more 'logical' for me ... it made sense, and it worked ... (my wife used to call me 'Spock', after the Star Trek show, cause I was always saying this or that was either logical or illogical ... LOL)(FYI ... my logic went right out the window when I drank ... it was like doing a 'memory dump' ...)
The Book ??? ... it's called 'The Shack' by William P Young ... Warning! ... the first 1/2 of the book is quite depressing ... but the last half is dynamite ... very, very powerful ... Note: You must read the 1st half for it to make any sense ...
You see, there was this counselor at this rehab, that saw i was struggling with the 'spiritual' part of the program ... he had just finished reading this book and said it was powerful stuff, so he loaned me his book ... I read it in a couple days and BAM, no more conflict with AA's way of life ... I feel certain that this book saved my life because it opened my mind to accept AA ... and guess what, years down the road, after this counselor was retired ... he became my sponsor and still is today ... (he could not sponsor anyone from the rehab while working there ... some code they had in place) ...
I have since given this book to everyone I've sponsored, and to many others who were struggling ... I'd buy these books a 1/2 doz at a time ... (paperbacks) ... It's a pretty fast read and well worth the time and money to gain a new perspective of the spiritual world that many people don't know exists ...
Love ya dud and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
There is no need to for religion to succeed in the 12 step program. I feel I am 'rockin this thang' despite the fact that I am not religious.
I didn't get a chance to read the whole thread - so maybe this has been offered by the Oh. Wisest. Ones. here who taught me most everything I get to pass onto others...
...they said - some days that turned into years ago:
Consider Natasha... that to believe there is no God - is no different than believing there is. Either - says you know for sure... and can anyone REALLY know?
Consider just saying "I don't know" for now - and see what happens.
That worked for me - and still does dear one.
Our beliefs are a choice.
Choose what feels right and good for today - and call it the higher place or power within you. Let it grow and change without judgement or ridicule as you grow and change and accept yourself without ridicule.
There is no reason to not give AA a try... not really. Oh sure - the disease will come up with a million or more... but you always have a choice to disregard your disease with the help of that higher place or power (HP) within you.
I think I will give it a try again today too... so far... that's worked out well just to make a decision to try - even if I do nothing else toward my recovery discovery for the day... just not giving up no matter what seems to work out fine.
If I gave up and drank - well - for me - to drink is like the death of everything inside. That despair and hopelessness you wrote about... oh my... it's awful.
Keep posting xoxoxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
