Haven't been to a meeting in years due to shame and apparently a feeling like I can do whatever I want with no consequences... that feeling has got me in trouble so much in my life. I feel like I've been a tantruming toddler for the last four years and now I've drank myself into a situation (a handful of situations, to be honest) where something changes or I die. period. This is probably the hardest thing I've done in forever, reaching out again. Today I'm trying to build up the courage to go to a f2f meeting. I'm just so tired. And so sick. I can barely feel my fingers typing this and I haven't had a drink in two days. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until I feel better but I'm terrified of doing that because if I feel better, I'll just drink again if I don't go to a meeting, and I won't want to go to a meeting if I feel fine. I hate this disease.
Your situation is NOT unique...It sounds like you filled in all the blanks on your spiritual application, most complete to enter the doors for your first meeting...At the meeting more will be revealed..on a level that your wounded spirit will most definately understand...we have ALL been there..things are always the darkest before the light...JUST DO IT..Get up and go to a meeting..
You already know this isn't a moral issue. Some of us fall out of the 'lifeboat' of AA, and there's no shame in pulling ourselves back into the lifeboat.
There are plenty of folks ready to help get you back in.
Thank you. I'm so nervous. But I'm going. I can't even think about the mess of my life that I have to clean up yet, just getting to this meeting is taking all of my brain power,lol.
I am so sorry to hear this story. I have been in your situation and it is painful, very painful. And it is a horrible merry go round to be on. I wish you luck.
Once I got thru the pain the rest was easy. I remember my first for real AA meeting...I sat in the corner in the dark just like I use to drink and when it came to me to announce my name I couldn't or wouldn't. I knew most of the people in the room and came to understand that they knew, understood and loved me. When I wouldn't announce they stopped the meeting just like that and went quiet until I did. God what courage they had!! and what understanding and love. I will always be grateful for what they did. "Aloha, my name is Jerry F and I am alcoholic"...no fear now. Keep coming back. This works when you work it.
You sound like me a few years back ... got nearly a year, then pfffft, back at it again ... I felt everything you expressed above and had a hard time getting back in the rooms ... long story short! ... I went back, they welcomed me, and then they proceeded to love me til I could learn to love myself ... you see, many had worn my shoes before, so they were 'non-judgmental' ... just happy I made it back ... my fears were unfounded ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I got hit by that same truck many years ago. But everything began to change once I started going to A.A. meetings and working the 12 Steps. Things will change for you too. Welcome to the MIP board....glad you're here.
Thanks for reaching out, Classy. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. The part about 'not wanting to feel controlled by alcoholism' is something I can relate to. I felt the same way many times before. Just consider this as a possibility; untreated alcoholism is kind of like a disease, just like diabetes. Diabetics monitor their blood sugar and even administer insulin shots when necessary. They watch their diet, drink plenty of water and try to live a healthy lifestyle. Even cancer patients submit to regular blood tests to check for possible signs. If these individuals can go to great lengths to stay informed shouldn't alcoholics do so as well?
The best way to deal with this situation is to fully engulf ourselves into a recovery program. It is said that relapses do not occur overnight and that we regress and move towards them over time. I heartily agree. When we keep our "programs" current; listen for signs of unusual activity and commit ourselves to a lifestyle of change, we are practicing known examples of proactive sobriety. After that, the decision is ours entirely. I hope this helps.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 4th of October 2014 08:31:48 PM
