I have been dating a girl for 1 year and half that is alcoholic . We recently broke up. She told me when we first started dating about her issue with alcohol. I asked if she could handle the social situation with friends that were social drinkers, she said yes. So I trusted her. Well I have never dated anyone with this issue. I rarely drink but when I do it is 1 or 2 at the most. Well it never worked, whenever we did go out, she could not handle it. I tried to address it with her but she never really address it or say she was hardly ever that way. Well recently we were going through some issues in our relationship. She decided to contact old girl friend and ended up going drinking and ended up getting a DWI. This is her second DWI she received 7 years ago another one in another state. It was shock because I have never been in this situation dealing with someone who has DWI and now realizing she needs help. She is going to AA and recovery group meetings. I still love this girl. We had talk last night she told me if we were ever going to get back together or get married that I could not ever drink again. I told her I have no problem in not drinking around her but she told me I could no longer do it socially with the few friends that drink socially when she was not around me. I never have alcohol in my house. I only do it casually like with friends when watching sporting event or a social event . I feel like I am being selfish because I am not sure I can do what she asking. So I am confused and not sure how to handle it with her. Please help me, if anyone has advice for supporting someone with this issue.
You shouldn't have to do what she is asking. Welcome to the site Cowboy. I'm an alcoholic....It takes one to know one. Sounds to me like she is putting the burden of her drinking problem on you. I don't know if she is ready to quit for good or not....Or how seriously she is taking AA. Only she knows that. We do recover in AA....We do continue to live without alcohol. If I would have had to do it under the condition that loved ones around me had to quit also. I wouldn't have a family left. I'm going to be brutally honest with you here....She'll give this program all she has when she is ready to quit....Or it kills her. We don't have a lot of options. The problem with support is simply this. Until she is ready.....There ain't a damn thing you or anyone else can do about it. At least that was my experience. I left a good wife of 17 years to continue drinking. And it cost me.
Welcome to the site Cowboy, ... Just wanted to 'echo' what Stepman said ...
AA only works when a person WANTS to go to any length to quit ... it's a 'spiritual' (not religious) program designed to help people with alcoholism to quit for good if that is their desire ... Wish I could have a drink or two and put it down, but I cannot ... one drink and I must have more and more and more ... it's a disease ... if you don't have it, then it's very hard to understand ...
This is just me (6 1/2 yrs sober) ... but I suggest you back off this relationship a bit and see if she can get in a year sober, no drinks, and become active in AA ... if she does, then a continued relationship may work ... if she can't put a year together, I'd suggest finding someone else ... you really don't want the 'emotional roller coaster' that an alcohol will put you on ... cause the closer you get to her, the harder it will be on you if she starts drink'n again (and you surely do not want kids to become a part of the problem either) ... I have over 40 years experience with alcohol, and It nearly killed me ... if you play with fire, you're going to get burned ...
For sure, support her and her efforts to stay sober ... and if she gets real active in the AA program, she'll reach the point that she can allow you your occasional drink without it affecting her (usually) ... but you need not be around her if you've had a drink cause she will smell it and that is a big 'trigger' especially the first year ... after that, she may be able to handle it, maybe not ...
God Bless you for trying to help, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The Big Book...Our text book is pretty clear on this subject. It may be a good gesture on your part to not drink around her early on. But we get beyond that.....If we've worked the 12 steps...which is our solution. from Pages 100-101.
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
I have been dating a girl for 1 year and half that is alcoholic . We recently broke up. She told me when we first started dating about her issue with alcohol. I asked if she could handle the social situation with friends that were social drinkers, she said yes. So I trusted her. Well I have never dated anyone with this issue. I rarely drink but when I do it is 1 or 2 at the most. Well it never worked, whenever we did go out, she could not handle it. I tried to address it with her but she never really address it or say she was hardly ever that way. Well recently we were going through some issues in our relationship. She decided to contact old girl friend and ended up going drinking and ended up getting a DWI. This is her second DWI she received 7 years ago another one in another state. It was shock because I have never been in this situation dealing with someone who has DWI and now realizing she needs help. She is going to AA and recovery group meetings. I still love this girl. We had talk last night she told me if we were ever going to get back together or get married that I could not ever drink again. I told her I have no problem in not drinking around her but she told me I could no longer do it socially with the few friends that drink socially when she was not around me. I never have alcohol in my house. I only do it casually like with friends when watching sporting event or a social event . I feel like I am being selfish because I am not sure I can do what she asking. So I am confused and not sure how to handle it with her. Please help me, if anyone has advice for supporting someone with this issue.
Hello cowboys:
I strongly suggest walking away. You have no idea what you are thinking of taking on.
Well, I don't advocate automatically walking away from a situation, as I am happy my husband chose not to run or walk away but rather to support me in recovery. That said, you're not being selfish, you don't have a drinking problem, so restricting your alcohol intake seems a little extreme to me. Alanon would be a great fellowship to check out.
My wife was in the same predicament almost 30 years ago. She was dating this guy who could not get sober, had racked up a number of DWI's, thrown his career away, was in financial ruin, and a totally mess.
Being a good codependent she attached herself to me and started going to Alanon. We moved in together when I was 90 days sober. I went back to school with straight A's, stayed sober a day at a time and soon had a year. Then things really started getting good.
Both of us are well versed in the program and have been to Big Book studies and many conventions and meetings together. She knows the book as well as I do. She's a great life partner and not quite a black belt Alanon. I'll be 30 years sober next May (if I make it).
I will say she never drank around me; in fact she doesn't really like to drink at all. We go out with other couples and they may have a glass of wine, Linette's very happy with water or a soda.
So, that's my experience. My own feelings are that if you love someone, married or not, you go to any lengths to support them especially if this is about an illness, which this is.
Every situation is different, but I tend to agree with Bob here ... (it takes an extremely emotionally and spiritually strong person to live with an alcoholic ... I think most people cannot handle it ...)(maybe they're gluttons for punishment ???) ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
We can't play God on that one. I guess you treat her like you would a sick friend. I'm not big on just running...But I sure don't know all the circumstances either. Maybe she is ready....Maybe not.
I am in line with the other posters who are saying this girl is ready for AA, but not ready for the relationship. The stuff coming from her mouth about you needing to not drink ever again to be with her is the stuff that a still sick, codependent newcomer would say. I don't think she's in any place to love freely or choose you for you rather than just someone to cling to. I'd give her a year or two sober before making commitments. She will be more grown up ideally by then.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I've been battling along with my girlfriend when I'm on that kind of situation before. Yes, the support you will give is a big help but you can still have your freedom to make your decisions. Besides I can see that you can handle the situation very well. As she is helping me, I find myself to do it because it is what i really wanted to regain. To be recover. I hope your girlfriend would finally acknowledge serious commitment. Goodluck bro.
