Alcoholism as many of you know struck my life like lightning not once but four times very closely. Most recently, it robbed the mind, soul, and eventually the body, of the life of the man I'd vowed my love for years ago. The man I had called 'husband'.
I survived by the grace of God and familiarizing myself with AA/Alnon to cope with his alcoholism. Thank God I did the latter because I was able to lead my own life so much better. I will never deny, it hurt when he eventually passed, yet reading and rereading the 12 steps, I was able to move forward through the grief a tad easier if that makes sense. Yet almost on the heels of that there came another 'attack' from this monster and it attempted to take my daughter!!! 14 mos. later, after 2 stints in rehab. and a wonderful counselor who was as determined as I, yet had better 'know how' than me, my daughter is still sober!!! We had a big celebration complete with presents ect. to mark that 1 year chip. A party with no alcohol, imagine that?! So thankful she had made it this far!
Today, however, the breath in her was knocked out by the news of a suicide of a highschool classmate. (And to put it bluntly a former party mate of hers and her husband.) When she text me the news I of course ask how she was. "I think I'll be okay. Just don't understand why."
Trying to accept the death of her father is what pushed her over the edge and eventually to her 'bottom'. Of course, as many of you know, there are usually more than one 'issue' that one faces/accepts responsibility for ect. ect. when going through rehab./AA or any other 'therapy' to cope with life and move on. The last year was not easy!!! For her or anyone close to her that loved her.
The news of this young man's death has stunned all of us. I didn't know him, however, knew his parents and the maternal grandparents. I watched his mom grow up before my eyes! I and my husband used to take wkend. motorcycle rides with his grandparents. As life sometimes does, everyone sort of went different directions. I knew the grandfather had problems with alcohol which resulted in a divorce. Heard Gma had remarried. Heard of the marriage of his parents because of pregnancy. Beyond that .......well life taking us on different paths and I lost track. Out of the blue on Facebook, the mom asked to be my 'friend'. I had to go to her page and snoop through pics. to figure out who this person was it had been that long. After that well......we have for about the last 4-5 mos. been catching up gradually. It has been so nice! ( I still can't remember my daughter talking about him thus one of those things I've learned about her and her past today.)
It is the fact I know the parents and grandparents that my heart is so saddened. More so it is heavy because of how this has effected my daughter and caused her heart to hurt deeply. This is the third time she has lost someone close to her this way!! However, with the first two she numbed that pain with alcohol!
Suicide is such a mystery. Who really knows what goes through the mind of one who does it? What makes them 'think' it is the better choice? What makes them think there is no help? Are they happier in death than those they leave behind? It is mind boggling to say the least. Whether one drinks or not, it is a shock to the system when it occurs! And that is the feelings of many in our little community tonight.
I ask that you pray for my daughter who is struggling with this news. Pray it will not have an adverse effect and lead her right back to where she was a year ago. Pray for this young man's family. (I would like to comment, as well, that I have absolutely no idea if alcohol or drugs played a role in this death! As I stated earlier I don't recall him.) I can't phathom loosing a child by any means. To me, I don't think any pain could be deeper or hurt more. I can only imagine what it is like for his parents and other family members.
To the newbies, I stop in and read your struggles. Yeah, it is not easy learning a new way of living. Withdrawals are hell. Mindsets are hard to 'reset'. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Take a minute at time if you have to. Keep 'stepping' with the 12 steps and above all keep your HP with you at all times. When I say my prayers for my daughter I always end with a prayer (or two) for all those struggling with addictions. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, gambling ect., addiction is addiction, and my prayers are for everyone!
To Roger, 'Wren', and Phil..... You have inspired me, given me wisdom, and motivate me to keep going and plow forward through life! Blessings in my life for which I give prayers of thanks!
My love to you both, and prayers for peace for the family if it can be found.
It is hard to imagine, that amount of pain that has gotten so heavy, so hard, that leaving life seems easier than living it. God knows, I reached that point in my using days, feeling there was no way out, nothing better, and believing I could in no way sober up. Death seemed preferable to the insanity. And when I'm drunk, or high, the boundaries that we use normally just do not exist. I am so so sorry for everyone's pain.
Thank you, God, that others believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. How often did I reject the very people that eventually loved me back to life? Countless times. Yet, there they were, the program of AA, the people that represent the beliefs, the steps, everything that led me back to sanity.
My heart breaks for the young lady that did not get the chances I got. For the over whelming pain she must have been in, to be unable to reach out. I look around now, at a life I never in a million years thought I would or could live. I remember that final surrender. I am, now, so grateful for the pain that got me here. I am so sorry she was unable to make that choice.
You know how to reach me. Hang in there, and tell your baby to keep loving herself. Chris
I hear you, Wanda. Mourning the loss of a loved one can be extremely difficult, especially when it involves a close companion -like a father, daughter or even a best friend. It's a part of life that's hard to overlook despite our willingness to move on. It's only when I came to grips with 'what happened' that I discovered the true meaning of life, and how that unfolds over time. In fact, it was how I felt after the death of my grandfather, Willie Mack.
Grandpa Willie was born William James Mckelligot, Jr. on Sept 5th 1902. He grew up in a small 'mining' town in upstate New York, just north of Albany. He was a full time tradesman with the local 200 and a part time bar fly at Sam's tavern. He was a stubborn, thick headed individual with a mean spirited disposition, even when he wasn't pissing people off. He also had an unusual taste bud, a no-nonsense attitude and a fetish for anything freaky. He loved two things in particular: wine and women. As you can surmise, he drove my Grandmother crazy, literally. I guess that's why the divorce got so messy. It wasn't until much later on in life that I finally understood his situation. Unfortunately, for him, it came a bit too late.
The sad truth behind my Grandfathers death, besides the feelings of abandonment, was how it happened. He died at the tender age of 72, from years of alcohol addiction -I'm talking over 40 years, if not more. The feelings of 'what could have been' never materialized like I thought they would, and for good reason. There were so many bad memories he could not forget, and neither could I.
The abundant life, as he described, involved more than just family time. It also involved a taste of what he called "the good life", or so he thought. Unfortunately, for him, it lead to an early grave, despite numerous interventions. It was a sad day filled with bitterness, remorse and some unusual memories -ten of them to be exact. That was over 3 decades ago.
The struggles, you just mentioned, reminded me of Grandpa Willie and the troubles he went through. He was a classic sufferer in many ways and not just from 'king' alcohol either. His failure to grow up caused him more trouble than anything else, even if alcohol played a factor. It revealed a side of him the made everyone take notice, including myself. I only wish he saw the 'proverbial' light before his time expired. Unfortunately For him, no light would ever be bright enough, strange as that may seem.
So...how does this apply to your situation? Simple, actually: The moment he gave up hope was the moment his life fell apart. It's only when we stand our ground that true hope arrives. I know it will for you. Just remember: "The revolving kaleidoscope might move us in turn, but the spirit of unity forges on. It's what brings hope to the circle we call, life". Thanks, again, for reminding me. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 16th of July 2014 11:16:57 PM
