Me and my boyfriend have been together almost two years. We met while we were both in rehab for alcoholism 3 years ago but he went back drinking initally so we didn't begin a relationship until almost a year later when he came back into recovery. Since then things have been good. We had our little spats like any couple but nothing major. I visit him once a week (we have no privacy in my house so it better for me to go to him) and we speak and text every day. The problem I have at the moment is this. my neice is getting christened Saturday and he refuses to come. His reasons were work and his kids to start with but as we talked and I asked him to see if he could get the day off and told him he be back early enough to see his kids he admitted he wasn't prepared to try rearrange these things as he just didn't want to go. he admitted that he being selfish and he had been like that all his life and didn't know if he could change. I know what it like to be in early recovery (he had a slip while we together and been sober one year) and I know he struggles at time (A lot more then I ever did) we had very different drinking patterns so while I understand the emotions he going through he does seem to be finding it a lot harder then me but I think he hasn't totally surrendered to the programme and still tries to do it his way a bit. He has came such a long way in the last year though and I just don't know if he really is a selfish person or if this an aspect of his recovery he still working on. i don't want to force him into situation he really uncomfortable with but on the other hand shouldn't he be prepared to push his boundaries a little to make me happy once in a while?
I know from my experiences that I cannot force anyone to do something they don't want to do. I cannot say and it really isn't for me to judge your bf about whether he is selfish or not. Are you in AA, lorraine2? If so, remember the Serenity Prayer. This sounds like one of those things you cannot change. One thing you can change is having expectations of others. That is still a tough one for me however I have noticed when I try to focus on myself and learning to make myself happy, rather than expecting someone else to make me happy, things seem to go better for me.
BTY
I don't know what to say, since you are both in recovery. And I know everyone has told me that you have to be selfish in the beginning, because sobriety comes first.
But I just went through a breakup 6 weeks ago (when I was still drinking), and what started it was that he didn't want to come to my nephew's christening (I am the godmother). It's important to me to have a partner willing to make small sacrifices like going to family get togethers.
However, there were a slew of other reasons leading up to the breakup. It felt like a long time coming, because I was overlooking so many things I didn't like just so I could feel loved. At the end of the day we were just fundamentally different people. Different values, different maturity levels, different wants out of life. He was very selfish, and had a lot of unresolved issues (that he wasn't working on).
It may be, but I don't think this is a boundary issue. Perhaps instead, it is a comfort-zone issue or a consideration issue. I will not bend or push a boundary for anyone; I believe that no one who loves me would ask me to. I will however, step out of my comfort zone for those I love at a moments notice.
Two lines jumped out at me in your thread. The boundary thing was the first. The second is in the same sentence. He cannot make you happy. This isn't recovery-speak, encouraging you to say it a different way so it will sound healthier - no one can make you happy but you. If your happiness rests on someone else doing something, then happiness will always be a fleeting thing.
I may have phrased things a little badly in my post which I should clarify. It not that I think he should make me happy. A part of me is jealous of his ability to say no to what may be an uncomfortable situation as it's a skill I can struggle with. It's that my idea of a relationship is being there with each other to share in the good and bad times. I feel neglected by him And I guess I just don't want to settle for someone with lesser family Values then me. I guess the problem is because we are both in recovery neither of us truly know ourselves yet and I don't know how much of the differences between us can be resolved and how many can't.
It not that I think he should make me happy. A part of me is jealous of his ability to say no to what may be an uncomfortable situation as it's a skill I can struggle with. It's that my idea of a relationship is being there with each other to share in the good and bad times. I feel neglected by him And I guess I just don't want to settle for someone with lesser family Values then me. I guess the problem is because we are both in recovery neither of us truly know ourselves yet and I don't know how much of the differences between us can be resolved and how many can't.
I'm not trying to be flippant, but when you originally wrote "please help", what exactly did you want help with?
It sounds to me like you may have a pretty clear grasp of the situation.
I learned a long time ago that there are quite a few things in life that just aren't worth making an issue out of them. You'll have happier days ahead if you can just let it go, smile, and attend the Christening yourself.
This is the same response I wrote on the Alanon Board to you, but for anyone else reading on here, I will repost.
This is making me look back on my own sobriety journey:
By 3 years sober, I had made a lot of progress and was ready for a serious committed relationship. (essentially was in a similar spot to you)
By 1 year sober, I was still pretty needy and demanding and hadn't worked through character defects very well.
I think you might be finding you two are on 2 different pages and in some ways you outgrew the relationship because you have progressed beyond him in your program. He might catch up. You might be okay with this. Or...you might get tired of it and move on.
Additionally, you had a whole year of being on your own to build a solid foundation of sobriety. He didn't have that and perhaps it shows in his behaviors.
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