So I'm on the site again to tell on myself. From the outside I'm doing everything I should. I go to meetings most days and sometimes two meetings a day. Did step 4 & 5 which led to 6- 7- 8- 9. This is my second go round so a lot of this work has been done meaning my 9th step. I have made the family amends and they can all see a big change. They are happy I'm sober. I went to a dance last weekend had a blast. I'm making new sober friends and not chasing tail as I am only 7months sober.
I just feel depressed. I'm smoking on and off again (more on but this weekend will be house sitting for 4 days so I'm quitting as smokes not an option around the family.) it makes me depressed to smoke but I got a pack I'll smoke it. Like drinking 1 leads to 1000.
Im not sitting right in my skin. Thinking about the x trust fund cokehead alcoholic boyfriend and other people waiting for me to slip up. I feel like going back some days because it sounds better than sitting alone in my apartment after the meetings. Then I think about the damage to my body and being dead because that's where it leads me. I hurt my body bad the last go around. I don't know what's up but I'm not taking care of myself emotionally some how.
My sponcer is a dear friend but comes to me for advice a lot. She has walked me through the steps and honestly helped me stay sober but Im damn good At helping people and it seems to happen with others. Even my seasoned phd shrink uses my stuff with her clients.
point being I need help and I'm always the helper. Smoking lowers seratonin while upping dopamine receptors. So it rewards you for being miserable. Smoking might take me out it's wrapped up with a lifestyle here bars coffee shops and partying.
rambling a bit. i think I took back my will from my hp. i don't think my hp wants me to suffer. I'm not controlling my thoughts or mood but finding my thoughts and mood are crap a lot.
any thoughts? I should probably share in a meeting.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
Are you sponsoring your sponsor or what is the deal? I don't give my sponsor advice on the steps or much else, I guess it kind of operates on a trickle down style. You'Stre still fairly new in sobriety at 7 months even if it is your second trip. I'm not sure you have alot of advice to give? (sorry, I come from kind of a hardcore homegroup).
Stick with the basics. If you don't have an abundance of gratitude for not being dead, among other things, you should work on that fast!
And maybe you have reclaimed some will. You'll feel pain until you give it back up. But put some real effort into gratitude and I think you'll find it facilitates everything else.
I have this thing in my head that I refer to as "the committee". They were much more talkative the first few years than they are now, but I sure do remember the late night talks I'd have when nobody else was in the room with me ;)
Helping others, that's a good thing, it's what we're about, until we use helping others as a form of escape from helping ourselves. Often, when I find myself stretching myself too thin, I have to stop and ask myself what I'm not dealing with. What is it I don't want to think about or take action on. To this day, when I get over whelmed with things in my personal life, I find myself volunteering for more shifts, or I push my limits physically by taking risks. I still have to check myself. "what is it you aren't dealing with, Chris?".
My ex, a dealer, used the "I'm so proud of you for staying clean/sober" and I knew that what he really wanted was for me to be crawling back messed up. I swore I could tell everyone around me was walking on egg shells " don't upset Chrissie, she'll use again". Screw that. If I use again, it will be because I want to use, not because there's anything anybody can do or say. I gave them too much power. I played out more scenarios in my head than Shakespeare.
Addictions are a spiritual disease. They cause (sorry for the cliche') dis-ease. Our spirits are restless, our addictions are yammering at us, and sometimes we go a bit nuts. I caught myself in a dry drunk a few months ago. It was startling because I always *expect* myself to be doing better, doing more, being past 'that' point where these things get to me. But, when I push too hard, there's a price, and that was the price for ignoring my own needs in lieu of someone elses. It was very disconcerting to experience that. Just ask the people around me. But regardless of how much time I have, bottom line is, I'm an alcoholic and my disease is still as real today as it was years ago, and just as deadly.
Besides working the Steps, besides finding myself the most hard ass sponsor I could find that wouldn't put up with my games, besides going to as many meetings as I could haul my fanny to, I found that I HAD (that's for emphasis, not for yelling) to stop placing expectations on myself and to ignore the ones put on me by others. I needed to learn, am still learning, that at any given time, as long as I'm clean and sober, I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't always know why at the time, but eventually I, without fail, can look back and think "yeah, I did need that. I didn't LIKE it, but I needed that".
And I still have to tell the committee to shut up sometimes. I hate the term, but for someone like me it's so applicable, it's almost funny-- KISS. I will complicate the hell out of something as simple as making a shopping list.
So be good to yourself. Hit your meetings, do what ever self care you feel is needed, even if sometimes that means telling those you care about "not now, I'm taking care of myself today". And I know, guilt can fit like a leather jacket, but sometimes, I find a bit of guilt is easier for me to work with than denying where I'm at and that I'm the one that needs help right now. It's good you can see that.
Just try and keep it simple. I hope this made sense to you. I had to sit and gather my thoughts after reading your post, sometimes I don't always have the words I want. And keep coming back. Others here will probably be more lucid than I am with their words o_O.
One of the things that gets me about the Big Book...Is that the authors were kind enough to take the time to put on paper an exact outline of what we should be doing each and every day. If something is not right for me I can usually find an answer on these pages (86-88)....Practice, practice, practice.
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.
If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works - it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Wednesday 25th of June 2014 07:46:54 AM
Ditto, ... Great responses ... and Welcome to MIP 'Hello it's me' ... wow, what a great first post ... I'm in total agreement with you ...
and Chris'(Wren) response also right on point ... then add Stepdude's basic program answers out of the book, wow what a great recovery site this is ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
