Went through it for four years...before coming out the other side

One day at a time..thing...

Chin Up!!

 

I was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma somewhere around the one year mark. one of the promises of the 9th step is " we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." welp, never had this situation in the past, but I sure was baffled! soooo may thoughts and one of the greatest was,"i got sober because I was dieing and now im being told im gonna die!?!?!?!?!" THAT pissed me off! I worked very hard that 1st year on learning what makes me tick, changing me, and clearing away the wreckage. I was starting to love myself. MAJOR FEAR!!!!!!!!
so I went to my sponsors house the day after being diagnosed-being told the severity of it an what I was going to be goin through. I said to him," I think I have a topic for tonights meeting- Gods will. wtf??? wtf is this shit happening for now????" he didnt say much other than,"that would be a good topic. at this time."
I don't know if it was God that did it or my sponsor got on the phone, but at that meeting, there happened to be a few people that had been through serious health problems- 3 of them cancer and all 3 had been at one time terminal( I didnt know that at the time.)
only 2 things I remember hearing at that meeting( I as a friggin wreck. 36 years old. FINALLY got my head out of my ass and starting to live how I was supposed to all along...I think ya can get the jist):
"everyone gets mad at their father at some time. their father forgives them"
and
"if yer higher power cant handle a few choice words from a common alcoholic like you, find one that can."
didnt understand what that all meat, but it hit me a couple days later. I lost all strength to keep my shit together and blew into a fit of rage( I was by myself in my shop when this happened, thank GOD!). after about 10 minutes of goin bonkers, I sat down on a stool and just balled. don't remember how long I had been sitting there ballin, but then I felt it- I know in my heart it was God. he was right there-he had His arms around me. what I heard was,"you don't know what or why, but I do. trust in me."
I walked out of my shop with a sense of peace and serenity I had never experienced before. one thing I learned out there was that I wasn't afraid of dieing- it was the timing. there was some control I had over that- I could go pick up a bottle, not face what I was going to be going through and have that death happen real quick (Fuck Everything And Run) or I could keep God in control and take the courage he gave me to go through whatever I had to go through( Face Everything And Recover).
i decided to put God in control- let God and the doctors do what they do best and keep my nose out of it.
in 3 1/2 years(ish) i went through a surgery to remove that involved a wide area excision to remove a crapload of tissue in the primary location plus remove the lymph nodes under my left arm( never heard of a lymph node before this), start a clinical trial that has stopped due to recurrence, back in for surgery at both of them locations to remove the recurrence and more tissue, a round of very intense chemo as the cancer had recurred and was spreading rapidly, surgery to carve out what he chemo didnt kill, another surgery as another tumor popped up on my arm( this was all subcutaneous so i couldnt see it), another round of intense chemo that almost killed me and had to be stopped, back surgery as the cancer had gotten into the bone of one of the vertabraes, another surgery to carve out another tumor that popped up, an unknown amount of PET scans,CT scans, MRI's blood draws, visits to my oncologist- i was heading down to the U of M cancer center at least once a week for the first 2 years9 300 mile round trip)- ad a crapload more i don't remember. it has been one hell of a journey. there were manymanymany times i had to turn my will and life back over to God. still hit many meetings and talked to many different people in AA.
WE got me though it. i hit many meetings through that time and also talked ot many people in recovery. one of the greatest thing about it- i don't recall ever thinkin a drink would be a good solution. surrender to both alcoholism and cancer weren't good solutions and ones i didnt want to try.
i think one of the greatest lessons i received is that life truly can only be lived one day at a time.

one of the parts of the BB kept comin to mind,too, and does at this time:

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then.

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis chikky and you will be in my prayers. You too, Pappy. Wow, almost all the responders have been through some tough stuff and Bless you for inspiring and encouraging others with your strength and determination.

BTY

I just noticed Chikky, that you are one day shy of being one year older than me ... so we've both seen a lot of sunsets, LOL ... if I know anything at all, I think you're probably spending some time reviewing your life, past and present, right about now ... I know I have ... I've resolved that I can't change the past, so that leaves me with today ... ... ...

Bet your bottom dollar that I include in my prayers, not only gratitude for being sober, but that if I am to live any longer on this earth, that may God grant me the ability and desire to be of help to others ... and IF that time here is about up, then I pray that He, may see fit for me to join Him in that 'higher up' place ... I would love for His spirit to fill me with all the promises the Big, Big Book has ... ... ... this kind of thinking brings me peace ...

Always have, always will Mike ... ... ...

Great thread ! Prayers to all.

Tom, if the doctors used simple terms they would only be paid $20/hr ... big words pay $100/hr

 

All the best.

 

Bob R