I've been struggling with alcohol for maybe the last 6 years or so. My friends and family (except my sister) never have seen any of my struggle, bc my favorite place to drink is at home and alone. I have a great job and a good network of friends, and have been fortunate enough to not experience any severe consequences with drinking...... Yet. My main consequences have been weight gain, and extreme shame and guilt for not being able to "control" myself. I have gone to a handful of meetings over the years, and always struggled with not being able to relate bc my consequences seem so insignificant compared to some of the stories is heard there. Plus I didn't feel willing to give up my wine.
I just got to got out of a toxic relationship, and almost instantly I knew I had to get myself into program. I realize now that I never ever would have been in that relationship if I wasn't drunk. I didn't feel I was worthy of someone else, and ended up with someone I didn't even like most of the time. Maybe that's my biggest consequence to date then... putting up with that bad relationship because it's what I felt like I deserved.
Anyway... I've been to a few meetings in the last two weeks. I'm in another 12 step program for food addiction, so I go to those ones too.
14 days sober and I feel like crap, emotionally. So much self-loathing and insecurity. I feel like I don't even know who I am, I'm not fun, I'm bored and I'm depressed. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have in the past month since the breakup, and now getting sober. Please tell me this gets better???
Keep coming back it does get better. I'm already feeling better. Get to plenty of face to face meetings and let people know who you are and that your new. Get lots of names and phone numbers to call when your feeling down or whatever. Check in with someone daily.
Also forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Your emotions and racing thoughts will calm down with time. Distract yourself. Read a book, go to a meeting call plenty of people join a gym and exercise. A mind is a terrible thing to waste and we alcoholics waste none of it. Lol. Also don't compare your drinking to others. Identify instead look for things in common to validate your own trouble with drinking. Hope this helps. If it didn't get better no one would be sober. Food for thought.
Thank you. :) I've started doing yoga which is really freaking hard, but also feels good. I haven't introduced myself as a newcomer yet because I've been to scared. Time to do that I guess. I have been reaching out to the few friends I have in program though.
I went to dinner with a friend I haven't seen in like 6 years and his wife on Friday. Stayed sober, but felt so so awkward. They don't even drink that much so it wasn't an issue to them that I was abstaining. I just feel so socially awkward without it, and super intense... Like I can't have fun. So I've been turning it over in my head, what they must have thought of me, how weird I am, how intense and how boring. Whether or not they'll even want to hang out with me again. And woe is me, etc. I know I have to stay in today though. It's just hard sometimes.
Your worrying about things you need now be concerned with right now. We have all felt socially awkward. That's why we drank too,
cause alcohol makes a great social lubricant. The fear of raising your hand is just fear that all. I felt scared when I first raised my hand but did anyhow and I felt Better after then it wasn't so hard. Plus people gave me numbers so I didn't have to even ask. How cool is that. Hey I went back out after 20 months and picked up a newcomer chip 3 days ago at my home group. I had a little fear but I combat it with faith. I got through it and no one treated me bad they welcomed me. It felt good not to be judged and loved unconditionally. Self centered fear in a million forms is one of the chief activators of our character defects. As the nike commercial says. Just Do It. Trust me you will live we've all been there.
Getting to a meeting everyday is a good idea. Sometimes I had to go to 3 when I was struggling and occupy the boredom. She how much time drinking took from you. Do you have a big book? See if the meeting you go to tonite might lend you one. Some give them away to newcomers. If so start by reading the doctors opinion.
Things will only get better for you if you get an A.A. sponsor, and work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Time does not heal alcoholism. In fact, your alcoholism is a progressive disease that will only get progressively worse with time. And, it will get worse if you do nothing. You'll have to do certain things to change, or nothing will ever change for the better. For a start, I suggest that you go to an A.A. meeting every day for 90 days, and before that 90 days is over, you should have a sponsor by then. If you work the Steps, as directed in the Big Book, you'll have a life that is way better than you've ever imagined. That's a promise. If you don't, you'll have a life that'll be worse than you ever imagined. That's a promise too.
Getting to a meeting everyday is a good idea. Sometimes I had to go to 3 when I was struggling and occupy the boredom. She how much time drinking took from you. Do you have a big book? See if the meeting you go to tonite might lend you one. Some give them away to newcomers. If so start by reading the doctors opinion.
Thanks I do have a big book. I'll read that (again) right now.
Things will only get better for you if you get an A.A. sponsor, and work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Time does not heal alcoholism. In fact, your alcoholism is a progressive disease that will only get progressively worse with time. And, it will get worse if you do nothing. You'll have to do certain things to change, or nothing will ever change for the better. For a start, I suggest that you go to an A.A. meeting every day for 90 days, and before that 90 days is over, you should have a sponsor by then. If you work the Steps, as directed in the Big Book, you'll have a life that is way better than you've ever imagined. That's a promise. If you don't, you'll have a life that'll be worse than you ever imagined. That's a promise too.
Welcome to the MIP Board, we're glad you're here.
Mike D.
Thanks. Right now I feel so shitty that the familiarity of my former toxic relationship and drinking feels like it was a better option. Which I know is a lie. I've just been such a wreck lately. I still haven't walked into an AA meeting "alone" yet... Always with a friend. I can't keep doing that though bc that means I DON'T go when no one else can come with me.
I just got out of a 15yr marriage. I got sober and she ran. The last 8 months became very toxic. I know what your going through even feeling not worthy of better. I was told getting sober I don't have to settle for less anymore. But you have to go to meeting, get a sponsor and work the steps with a sponsor. It's a healing process not a fixing process and it's a inside job. Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP Namaste ... ... ... I thought going to 90 meetings in 90 days was 'nuts' ... ... ... I did it, it became a habit, I went to right at 700 meetings in 700 days ... ... ... (some of us are sicker than others) ... ... ... life became more enjoyable in so many ways, I can't describe them all ... before AA, I tolerated life, hated it for the most part ... after working the AA program and applying the principles to my life daily, I experienced that 'change' Mike D mentioned ...
And I'm here to tell ya, I have a life now that I could never have imagined ... I actually look forward to each new day now ... something I never did while drink'n ... it's truly a miracle in every sense of the word ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome to the board Namaste and Big Hugs to You.....
I can relate to what you shared because I too felt the same emotions you expressed. The insecurity and feeling socially awkward which alcohol helped mask for years...or so I thought...only to return after I stopped drinking.
I have no idea the amount of alcohol you drank before you got sober. I was up to 20 plus per day of drinks. I have suffered severe consequences of my drinking. I am glad you haven't so far. There are many folks in AA who share that they have not been through very many repercussions from their drinking and good for them, and you, for realizing you want to stop drinking before serious life-changing-for-the-crappier situations occur. Not everyone in AA goes through a ton of crap before they seek help.
Your body is most likely in detoxing mode right now and it affects you not only physically....it affects you mentally as well. Your fears are normal and a part of the recovery process. I thought I was losing my mind sometimes when I stopped drinking. Just hang in there, continue to go to meetings and do what others above have suggested and you will begin to feel better. I had to make staying sober my number one priority--above other people, things, insecurities, relationships and fears.
Congratulations on 14 Days Sober!
BTY
:) thanks. More meetings will help because I will hear more and more about others experiences.
It started off as a couple of glasses of wine nightly and progressed to about a bottle a night. But I was white knuckling some nights, sticking to less then a bottle or not drinking at all. I have no doubt that if I ever bought more then a bottle I probably would have drank more.
I did all the "controlled drinking" techniques that are described in the big book over the years... Trying to drink only on certain days, drinking a different type of alcohol, etc. None of it ever had lasting results. I would always end up I the same spot.
With my ex I would only really see him on the weekends, and I was always drunk for that. We dated for 13 months and I can probably count on 1 hand the times I was with him and NOT drunk. It was too uncomfortable because I didn't really have all that much I common, and even worse I had some serious conflicts in values with him. The last weekend together I blacked out, for the first time in a number of years. Which was frightening. He definitely had issues with alcohol too, beyond all the other issues he had.
So I'm experiencing the pain of a breakup and the loss of companionship with him, and the loss of my other companions: wine and sugar. All very shitty companions, by the way. But they were familiar at least.
FEELING all of these emotions is not familiar to me. Which is why it is difficult right now.
I went from one bottle a day to two and it happened before I knew it. I never left any wine in the bottle. Finished everything
One thing if I may suggest, don't worry about the sugar right now. Sugar wards off cravings for alcohol. You said you are in OA....there are plenty of other ways you can cut back. And with you going through a breakup that is more stress. If you have too much on your plate (no pun intended) while you are trying to stay sober, it will be harder to stay that way. My sponsor told me, when I said I needed to quit smoking, not to worry about it during my first year of sobriety. I planned to quit when my year came up. Then, stuff happened and I just didn't quit. I thought I was and still am doing great just not drinking. Just a thought you can take or leave. Oh, and here's another one.....it is strongly suggested in AA not to get involved in a relationship throughout the first year so your focus can be on sobriety. There is a strong tendency for some folks to get into another relationship before they heal and to try and get over a previous person (I am guilty of this one). Now is the time to put yourself first and try extremely hard not to rely on someone else to fulfill needs of yours other than yourself and your Higher Power. I know I am a fine one to talk because I am not in an ideal relationship myself. However, I am not ready to make a major change in my life right now because I do fear it will be too stressful and lead me right to the doors of a bar. I feel it will come for me and I am looking forward to living my life and not having to answer to anyone except my HP.
You take care.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 22nd of June 2014 05:04:45 PM
I definitely understand what you're saying. My addiction has always been a trifecta: sugar, wine, cigarettes. I'm keeping the cigarettes for the reason you mentioned above. For me, sugar numbs me in the way alcohol does, so I wouldn't actually be "dealing" with life on life's terms if I was having it. It is also my #1 binge food so there is no abstinence if I'm still having it.
I've heard that about relationships, and I'm definitely not planning on getting back into the dating pool anytime soon. My self esteem is so low right now, I wasn't trust myself to pick an appropriate partner. Most importantly I wouldn't BE a good partner at the moment. I feel like I don't even know who I am, and I really need to figure it out.
My first 90 days were a bitch....to put it mildly....Emotions were out of whack...Brain was fried...couldn't even think straight...and body was screwed..
Your handle is evidence alone that not only are you not alone, you never have been. I have a young adult novel that has been picked up by a publisher recently. I just took a break from the final editing process to check the board out. Here was the portion that I was working on when I found this thread:
I looked up the word, 'namaste' in my dictionary after dinner, but it wasn't there. The computer however, yielded results. Apparently, the word namaste comes from two words from an ancient language called Pali. The words are namas, which means blessings; and te, which means you. So it literally means, blessings to you. The way people use it though is more specific, it seems. In actual use it means, more or less, that which is divine in me greets that which is the divine in you.
Why, that is just beautiful, Angell. Never even think I have heard of that word and what a beautiful avatar for our new sober friend to have!
Namaste....good for you and you are taking care of yourself now and it sounds like you are very determined. That's great! After you have been sober for a while and hopefully get a sponsor and start working the steps "you will (truly) be amazed before you are halfway through". I thought all those people and the BB was "full of it". Not at all...as it happened and is still happening to me. My self-esteem was lower than than worm doo-doo. Most of the boys I dated through high school and in my 20's, I dated because I thought I didn't deserve better, too. It will get better and you will feel better about yourself....(and the Brad Pitt's and Ben Affleck's of the world better watch out for us--right? LOLOL)
Thank you for sharing the early stages of your journey Namaste, far too often people never make it as far as you have, they perish. It's a wonderful way of life and even though the first couple weeks are filled with uncertainty, depression, fear, shame, remorse and a truckload of other emotions, they will pass and be replaced by confidence as you continue to share your journey, go to meetings, and communicate with a power greater than yourself. Enjoy the hope and share the despair, you'll keep some of us sober by doing that.
Thanks everyone. And thanks for posting that definition of namaste. I never knew exactly what it meant, but we say it at the end of every yoga class.
The meeting was good. And I met a couple of nice women who gave me their numbers.
I'm feeling guilt right now. I had made plans several weeks ago to visit some old college friends next weekend. Before I got sober. Today I realized that it's probably too early in sobriety to make that trip and I'm too emotionally raw. I cancelled the plans, and instead of just saying "I'm a basketcase" I used my moms illness as an excuse. She has alzheimers and has been slipping away more quickly then that disease normally progresses. I told my friend that she is going downhill and I need to spend time with her. And that I'm an emotional basketcase about it. And that we can reschedule when I'm not such a wreck.
Why can't I ever just tell the truth and leave it at that? I am a habitual flaker on plans and I always make lame excuses or tell lies. So now I feel like crap about it.
Welcome Namaste...My ex-wife is a yoga instructor...I've heard that a few times. She got into yoga the last few years of our marriage...And as she got better at yoga...I got better at drinking. Needless to say...It ended after 17 years. I think cancelling you plans with your college buddies to remain sober is a good plan....Whatever you have to tell them...Don't worry about it. That kind of lie we can get away with early on...If you believe in God.....I think he'll forgive you for that one. We do whatever we have to do to remain sober...Til we get the solution. This whole program is about changing. Tell you a little story I heard....
A sponsor called up his sponsee and got this message. "This is Jim...I'm not able to come to the phone at this moment...I'm making some major changes in my life right now. If you don't receive a call back from me...You were one of them." The sponsor was pleased.
Anyhoo...Forget about the little lie...Kudos to you on making a step toward change. The program of AA is in the Big Book.....Clear cut directions to the 12 steps...That's how we recover as it's already been mentioned. Read it...Study it...Ask questions about it. Start with the very first page...It's all important...I recommend getting a dictionary and using it as you read it. It comes in handy. Here it is online til you get a copy.
The 90 in 90 is a good idea...They told me to do that so I doubled it Did over 180 in 90 days...I wasn't taking any chances with this. Find someone you relate to...That knows the book and has done what's in it.....It's a good idea to find one the same sex...And ask them....Will you take me through these steps as laid out in the book....A good candidate will be honored to.
I know all about that drinking at home alone....What a dark, dark place to be....You don't have to go there again....Glad you are with us.....
Namaste.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 23rd of June 2014 06:02:42 AM
Hi Namaste...I'm with stepchild on the excuses. Try not to beat yourself up over that right now. From what I have learned since being a part of AA, that behavior is pretty common with alcoholics. I sure did enough of that myself, and am afraid to do, have caught myself since working the program doing it once in a while, and can correct it and/or let it go. I think you were wise to cancel seeing your friends right now if you feel like by being with them it will create more stress in your life. Particularly if they drink. I avoided drinkers and still do. I just am not willing to risk my sobriety to be around folks I don't have to be around right now. This is a new life for me and I cherish my sobriety and will do anything to avoid going back to the way my life used to be. Treat yourself like the most important thing in your own life right now. Your confidence will be greatly improved and you will learn to love yourself. I couldn't be drinking and feel that I am worthy. I don't know how any alcoholics who have the same thinking processes I do can either. The alcohol kicked my ass so far down, the only way up is to get and stay sober. You are doing great and all you have to do is realize that you are worth it and are determined to change your life.
BTY
Thanks everyone. I'll let the excuse go, because it really was in the best interest of my sobriety.
Tonight I have dinner with a friend who is super crazy intense, as a person. I had cancelled my last plans with her bc it was right when I got sober, but it was her birthday this past weekend so we're going out for dinner tonight. She's been very "short" with her messages to me since I cancelled our last plans. She's also very confrontational, so if she tries to have some deep discussion about why I cancelled plans the last time I'm seriously going to be so pissed. I just don't even have the capacity to deal with someone else's emotions right now. I can barely handle my own! Plus, she's not a "safe" person to tell about AA at the moment. She's got her own issues with addiction.
A sponsor called up his sponsee and got this message. "This is Jim...I'm not able to come to the phone at this moment...I'm making some major changes in my life right now. If you don't receive a call back from me...You were one of them." The sponsor was pleased.
Ha! Too funny. Thanks for sharing!
I do have a BB, I just need to crack it open. I read a few of the stories in the back last week.
I can't make it to a meeting tonight, but I will definitely be going tomorrow night. One of my friends is leading and she can't drive right now so I'm taking her.
The meeting I was at last night was a rather large one... and I was surprised, when they asked who was available to sponsor only like 5 people raised their hands. I'm going to a women's discussion meeting on Thursday so hopefully I'll find someone willing to sponsor me.
I'm a mess right now and seriously in need of some help and direction through the steps.
even though the first couple weeks are filled with uncertainty, depression, fear, shame, remorse and a truckload of other emotions, they will pass and be replaced by confidence as you continue to share your journey, go to meetings, and communicate with a power greater than yourself.
Thanks Marc. I sure hope it gets better! I feel like my emotions have emotions right now. I almost bailed on work because my anxiety level is so high right now.
Haha I felt the same way, I was feeling new stuff and all of it felt raw. They used to compare it to the feeling of a raw nerve in a tooth and I agree lol, it does get much better if you stay patient and go to meetings, my sponsor used to say just sit still and hurt it's all you can do sometimes, keep coming here and talking too that is a form of communication that works in a pinch. Lots of good folks here.
I do have a BB, I just need to crack it open. I read a few of the stories in the back last week.
The stories are good. The directions for the steps are contained in The Doctor's Opinion and the first 103 pages of the book. I didn't really get a whole lot the first time I read them....The second time through was better. The third time through I had a pretty good idea what I needed to do. Get busy basically. It's about action...And getting familiar with the directions is a great place to start. I think my sponsor appreciated it. A women's meeting sounds like a great place for you to find a sponsor....Listen for one that talks about the steps...The solution.
I do have a BB, I just need to crack it open. I read a few of the stories in the back last week.
The stories are good. The directions for the steps are contained in The Doctor's Opinion and the first 103 pages of the book. I didn't really get a whole lot the first time I read them....The second time through was better. The third time through I had a pretty good idea what I needed to do. Get busy basically. It's about action...And getting familiar with the directions is a great place to start. I think my sponsor appreciated it. A women's meeting sounds like a great place for you to find a sponsor....Listen for one that talks about the steps...The solution.
Actually the one on Thursday is a big book study and discussion. Should be cool!
Here is another interesting tidbit. You hear this read in just about every meeting....It's on page 60. How It Works.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas: (a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (c) That God could and would if He were sought.
If you are convinced of those three pertinent ideas...
Pertinent: having a clear decisive relevance to the matter in hand (Remember the dictionary.)
Then you will have completed the first 2 steps.
So you have to figure.....That's 8 pages for The Doctor's Opinion...And 60 pages out of the 103 that are devoted to the first two steps. That leaves 43 pages for the directions for the other 10. That tells you something.
