Well haven't posted in a while so here it goes. I ended up in jail again for violation of the restraining order and have another court date. Just hope I can stay out of jail this time. Wife decided to be nasty when the conversation didn't go her way. But it's my fault since it's my responsibility plus she can't be trusted. Also went back out over it I believe on 5/31. Im sober today since I'm tired of drinking and feeling like I do. Things got real ugly real fast. This is just no way to live. Got down on my knees today and prayed to my HP. Funny how that's the first thing to go out the window immediately when you drink. Don't know how I should handle a relapse. It obviously started months ago and now I understand why. Just want to keep it in today and get to a meeting. Had a lot of fears that were not dealt with. I deserve a better life and to be happy. God hasn't abandoned me yet so maybe I should let him have more of his way. I think I've finally surrendered my situation willing to accept it now but not like it which is ok. I'm ready to move on. I've drank in self pity boo hoo hoo why why me for the past several weeks. It's just not damn worth it no one is. I never thought I would be glad to be sober once again. Drinking made thinks way worse and I didn't want to live in the worst way. Gonna KISS HALT and call some AA people that I've been avoiding. Time to get honest with myself over my relapse and call my sponsor. Well that's enough right now I hope everyone has a great day. Also any advice would be helpful as always.
Hey 'E', ... you sound exactly like one of my sponsees a few years back ... ... ... He'd stay sober for a while, then boom, his wife would push his buttons and his allergy took over ... he's allergic to alcohol, ever time he drank, he broke out in handcuffs ... ... ... he'd come back begging for another chance ... and I'd spend another few months with him ... then he disappeared for a couple years ... he was in his Late 20's with beautiful daughter and wife ... things had been going well when on a lunch date, his wife said I don't feel well and then pasted out at a fast food restaurant ... died within a week, massive stroke ...
He moved across the country, but couldn't outrun his disease ... He's still on again, off again ... and on rare occasions, emails me ... I tell him like I'd like to tell you, 'YOU' have a choice to make 'today' ... Are you going to go our 'way of life' or 'your way of life' ??? ... if your way of life has you where you want to be, fine ... but you do have the option to go our way of life and find things about yourself you never knew possible ... (note: When my sponsor asked me that question, I said I 'don't want to do EITHER one ... my life sucks and your way of life seems like's a lot of work ... He told me if you like where you are, stay there, you're choice, but if you can do a little work today, and a little bit more tomorrow, then you'll not only have peace in your life, but something to look forward too each and every day ... ... ...
I thought to myself back then ... the old 'NIKE' logo, slogan ... ... ... "Just Do IT" ... I did, it worked, my sponsor was right!!!!!!!!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have to leave here in a few minutes and just wanted to send you a "glad you are back" and say that I hope that you don't beat yourself up over the relapse. Most of us have relapsed once, twice and more times. It is great that you didn't wait too long before coming back. It took me a lot longer in between times before I got back into AA and got sober.
Good to have you back.
BTY
oh, and quickly....this worked for me....I committed to making coffee--not just for one time--for two months. That way it wasn't just me relying on my alcoholic brain and thinking....other people were relying on me and that made me more serious. Service work has kept me sober...I am still doing right much of that, and have been trying to focus more on the spiritual aspects, working the steps, to help KEEP me sober. As some great posters and my sponsor have shared with me, it takes both!
Called my sponsor. A lot of positive things came out of the conversation. Going to get up and go to my home group tommorow. You guys have all been a great help. Now I can leave off where I started without other distractions and look foward to my recovery. I know what my fears were and faced them. I'm feeling really good today so I'll just try to enjoy it.
I just have a couple questions for you...I'm guessing you are getting a pretty good grip on the first step...Were you working the steps before?...If so....Which one were you on?
-- Edited by Stepchild on Friday 20th of June 2014 12:44:12 PM
I was on step 11 with my sponsor encouraging step 12. I was overwhelmed and too focused on everything else going on around me. Made it hard to keep focus on me. Wasn't getting what I needed out of the meetings where I currently live sometimes it's seemed like SSDD with no spiritual progress getting made. Putting faith in people and situations that were just hopeless. Not wanting to accept reality and move on. There was a lot if pain and it still runs deep. I know now that relationship is not what I needed at all. I've become willing to accept surrender And move on. Got sick of fighting it.
Yes I have a good grasp on step1 no doubt I can't drink in safety. Wasn't getting to enough meetings should have doubled up. Became obsessed and frustrated with my situation. Stop keeping myself busy and taking care of myself. But not that the whole delema is out of the way of am I am I not I somehow feel relieved.
I don't know....Once I was working my ninth step...And I had a good part of it done...I just starting living in steps 10, 11 and 12. These are things that we need to do everyday. I would think nailing down step one would be a good idea....And go from there. But that's up to your sponsor I was listening to a guy in a meeting yesterday....I liked what he said. He talked about being a willing participant in his own life now....As a result of taking the action of those steps. That means he's in charge of what people and situations he's willing to bring into his life. If he wants to bring chaos and unhappiness....It's easy to find. If he wants to bring happy, joyous and free...Then that's what he's willing to look for. He talked about having to part ways with his son....Because his son is toxic for him....Doing what he's been doing for the last five years....Drinking and drugging. And he's just not willing to deal with the chaos of that. He loves him....But as he put it....A sickee and a wellee don't make two wellees....It makes two sickees....Because they will drag you down.
You have that choice Enigma....Becoming a willing participant in your own life. What are you willing to bring into...And leave out of....Your life?
Well today I got wind I'm officially divorced. I'm leaving that behind.
That could be God working for ya right there. One thing concerns me Enigma...You mentioned..
I was on step 11 with my sponsor encouraging step 12. I was overwhelmed and too focused on everything else going on around me. Made it hard to keep focus on me.
It kind of makes me wonder how thorough you were going through the first nine steps. This is just a suggestion....You can take it or leave it....Do you think it might be in your best interest to go through those steps again with a little more focus on you?......Let me ask you this....Do you feel that you had a spiritual awakening as a result of those steps?....That is the goal here.
Might be a good idea. But no spiritual awakening. The whole character defects gets me everytime. Try to be perfect or not at all. I did make progress on some like no more swearing. Step six and seven was always hard for me to find that balance. It was hard for me to make that change when I had so much toxicity around me at home screwing me over.
To much focus on her looking for her approval which doesn't matter. I never met her approval no matter what anyhow. So in a sense I was trying to force it instead of being comfortable where I was at and stop worrying what she though when it wasn't true. Felt judged all the time unfairly having to defend myself all the time. Even though I was making progress and I was doing the best I could at the time
I don't think you're the only alkie that's gone through this Enigma...My drinking cost me a marriage of 17 years....It wasn't fun. But it was part of the road I had to travel to get where I am. It might be wise for you to share this with your sponsor. Maybe get a fresh start. I had to ask God to help me through this process....I prayed through those steps. Do I believe that God removed every defect of charactor I had when I humbly asked Him to?....Yeah...I do. But I have to make a conscious efort on my part to keep it that way....Am I perfect at it? Hell no....But I'm trying. I've cleaned my side of the street and I try and take care of any new mistakes I make as they happen. It's about change Enigma...And it takes practice and time...And God's help. I can promise you things get so much better...If you follow directions carefully...And like yourself....I was at that point where I felt hopleless that anything would ever get better. Miracles happen Enigma....We just have to fricken work for them.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Friday 20th of June 2014 08:08:30 PM
Not easy going through all the crap....but theres a light at the end of the tunnel...You might not believe that NOW...but you will...and YES..a lot of us have been there...as Step says
When you are still emotionally tied...and going through the grief process?
Its quite easy...when we let our guard down....and some alky thinking sets in....to go backwards..
And whats happens? We make it all worse..
Letting go....is easy to say....but doing it...is another story...
In my book? That takes time
Keep trying to go forward..as best you can....and don't be alone with the thoughts in your head :)
I had to realize and still haven't fully realized that I will never be perfect......I was and still am praying for removal of ALL my CD's. Then I expected those babies to be gone. When they still creep up, I beat myself up, tell myself how could they still be "there", as I PRAYED for their removal. Then it has been easy for me to beat myself up about not praying seriously enough, fervently enough, and/or God doesn't exist/doesn't care....
I didn't get this way overnight. I cannot change overnight. I am trying to remember that and the "progress not perfection" thingie.
