Last night I was listening one sermon and the woman, who was preaching said: "It's okay to not be okay." I don't know why I remembered it, but I have past with it.
She said that it's not necessary when we are not okay to play role in front of people, saying that we are okay and all the false smiles ... My point is that in A.A. many times, when I was not okay, I was trying to prove others that I am good and I'm excellent and this Program is working so good for me, and I've never been better and so on clown's statements in moments that I've hated people, spirituality, Steps, my sponsor, everyone around me. One morning I woke up and until 07:30 I had more than 30 resentments in my head and I was trying to smile and acting like clown.
They are really clown's, because when someone's looking me it is obvious that this smile is "death smile" and these eyes are full of hatred behind and all that attempts to prove something to someone is not okay, but I've been dishonest in those moments.
Now I learned (I hope so) that when I'm not okay, I just can share (not complain), just share honest and to see what's in me that is killing me. I see a lot perfectionism in myself at times. But this Program is not for "perfect" people, whatever it means, but for suffering.
Yes and still I know that "restless, irritable and discontented" is the most normal condition of dry alcoholic. And I will lie if I tell that I don't have difficult times and moments.
I think it's pretty normal that we all have difficult times and moments. You know it's pretty amazing that the founders of this program put down in writing what we should try to do every day from the time we wake up to the the time we go to sleep...Pages 86 through 88. I know when things aren't on an even keel for me...The answer is usually something I'm missing in that simple outline. You're doing great MOH....Sometimes quickly....Sometimes slowly....Those promises will always materialize if we work for them.
I have to remember this....
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
I am on this at the moment: "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. " And all day tried to meditate. 12&12, p. 90
-- Edited by myownhell on Thursday 12th of June 2014 08:11:44 AM
-- Edited by myownhell on Thursday 12th of June 2014 08:12:12 AM
When someone asks me 'how ya do'n ???' ... I've learned to respond saying 'I'm better than I deserve' ... this way, I'm not lying if I'm 'down' about something, or if I'm 'on top of the world' ... it' still the truth ... ... ... if it happens to be someone who I trust and who I think will listen, then I may come forward with more of 'what's go'n on in my life' ... whether it's the good stuff or the 'not so good' stuff ... ... ... I still need help from time to time, for sure ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Absolute. I'm sharing only with my sponsor and one other girl alcoholic. I've learned that A.A. is place, which can be dangerous to tell much information.
Yes, I learned quickly to be very careful of who I shared my personal stuff with ... keep in mind, we're all 'drunks' trying to stay sober ... some of us have matured more than others ... and some will always remain sick ... those are the ones to look out for ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am on this at the moment: "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. " And all day tried to meditate. 12&12, p. 90
I don't get to caught up in that...Sometimes people do things that just piss me off. That's life. The thing for me is....I have to take care of them when they are small....If I let them turn into bigger things....I'm in trouble. This works for me....I try to make it habit.
Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.
BB pg 84
As well as this...
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
BB pgs 87 - 88
I try to practice these principles til they become habitual.
As far as my ninth step went...The ones I couldn't find...Which I know I will find in God's time...I wrote a sincere letter with my amends...Followed by some serious prayer...And then I destroyed the letter.....That helped me.
And no....You don't have to share too much with people in AA...I share anything I want to with God....Always an open ear that I can 100% trust... I once heard someone say...And I really liked it....AA is not a museum of perfect people.....Stick with the winners MOH.....You'll learn who they are...And who they aren't. Just see to it that your relationship with your HP is right....And everything will be OK.
When I felt bad, the rooms (and everyone else) heard it my whole first year. And yes, stepchild, some of it was due to working the steps too slow. It was ultimately okay cuz, I aired that dirty laundry mostly in beginner's meetings. Later on I shared it more with peers and sponsor.
Complaining then drinking was a giant problem. Complaining without drinking was progress. Of course sharing that you are upset is not complaining either, just saying...Our primary purpose is to stay sober. Life isn't all roses and rainbows. I benefit from how people deal with challenges, feeling sad/bad and still not drinking. It's different when all somebody does is share negatively and no solution. There needs to be balance within us and in our meetings.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 12th of June 2014 01:39:18 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I know. I just wanted to believe I did things perfectly when I advocated taking time on the steps and such. I didn't. But now have some perspective. Despite not working onto step 4, I was going to 7 meetings a week calling sponsor and was secretary of a group. It was pretty vigorous in that way. That all kept me sober for the time but the steps I did fully in year 2 was what made it so I would never be "not ok" in the same ways I felt before. I have "not ok" days and times, but never like it was.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
((((MOH)))))) You remind me of me....as I have often pretended everything was okay when it was not okay. Always being the class clown, trying to smile when I really wanted to cry. Getting out the "Hi, how are you's?" when all I wanted to do was not say a thing and be invisible. And this has been a behavior of mine since childhood. I sometimes wonder if it is because when I was little and sometimes (not always) cried, I was told to "Shut Up!", "Don't Cry". So I held so much in for fear of getting reprimanded and not pleasing my parents. There were times when I was in school where the littlest thing would send me running to the restroom. Once in there, I would break down and just sob. It was so intense at times, that my face would get red splotches all over it and I couldn't stop. Girls would come in and ask me if I was alright. It was very embarrassing for me to be like this and in front of others, however, I could not control it. Sometimes I have successfully pulled off my attempts to feign "happy". Other times, I have broken down under the weight of trying to hold too many depressing emotions inside. I have been embarrassed when the latter occurred many times and ashamed of myself that I couldn't make it a little longer until I got behind closed doors before I bawled and even more so when I felt the need to share more than I should have about what was upsetting me at the time. But you know what? It is okay. It's okay to be sad as well as happy. It is even okay, to me at least, to try and be upbeat when "upbeat" is the last thing I really am at the time. It's even okay for me not to know how I am feeling sometimes. It's allll okay! I'm human and since being sober at least I know these are my true emotions and I can actually feel them. Great post you posted and I am grateful for it today. BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 13th of June 2014 08:42:35 AM
When someone asks me 'how ya do'n ???' ... I've learned to respond saying 'I'm better than I deserve' ... this way, I'm not lying if I'm 'down' about something, or if I'm 'on top of the world' ... it' still the truth ... ... ... if it happens to be someone who I trust and who I think will listen, then I may come forward with more of 'what's go'n on in my life' ... whether it's the good stuff or the 'not so good' stuff ... ... ... I still need help from time to time, for sure ...
For me it's "awesome" or "hangin' in there" . MOH, "pain is the touchtone of progress." This stuff takes time. I remember not feeling really comfortable until somewhere between 3-5 years sober. One thing that helped me tremendously was living with other sober recovering AA folks for the first 3 years. I had roomates (3) at a time that had between 2 and 10 years. It was awesome to watch them "living life on life's terms" functionally having fun and rejoining the human race. Don't think that it's not working for you, just relax and do something to get out of your head and into the present. Exercise, take a yoga class, listen to music for an hour a day. Take a nap. What's your caffeine intake look like? If you're stressing you should cut it half and go without for awhile.
What's your caffeine intake look like? If you're stressing you should cut it half and go without for awhile.