"I don't have to like the situation, but it's important that I like myself in it."
When I first got sober, I took a job in Beverly Hills as an investment broker selling municipal bonds. I hated getting up at 4:45 in the morning to drive to work, hated making cold calls all day, and hated making just enough to get by. What I hated most, though, was myself. Selling bonds wasn't who I was, but it was all I knew to do at the time, and because my identity was tied to what I did, if I hated that, I hated myself. Because of this I spent many dark days in the abyss of self-pity and self-loathing.
When I look back on it, I'm surprised I didn't just go back out. Thankfully, the bottom I hit was worse than my day job, and so each night I dragged myself to a meeting to try to find a better way. My sponsor listened patiently as I wallowed in my misery and finally said, "Michael your job isn't about you or who you are. It's simply a vehicle for you to be of service and to help others. And until you see all of life like that you will never be happy no matter what you are doing."
It took me years of working the steps and working with others before I saw the wisdom in what he said. Today I understand the importance of being of service and I find that I like myself a lot more when I'm trying to give rather than get. Because of this I'm able to separate myself from what I have and what I'm doing, and in this way I've learned to live comfortably in my own skin.
Today I may not like all the situations in my life, but I've learned to like myself in them.
Copyright @ 2014 Michael Z
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
