Another AA'er challenged me. They told me that I've gotten all the attention of the first year and told me that they wanted to see if I would walk the walk as I talk the talk and that if they were a betting person they didn't think I could do it. I even got a very generous time frame of 1500 more days to "prove" to this fellow alcoholic that I can stay sober.
At first I was angry....how dare this drunk tell me that! Instead of encouraging me as other alcoholics in this program have done, I felt like my seriousness in this program was actually questioned. Then I was hurt....I thought...."I guess I have sounded like a big phoney and someone is trying to call me on it". Instead of being encouraged, I felt like I was put down. So I felt shame, because I too have had doubts about being able to stay sober for the long run. I have posted on here about crappy days I have had and I have come here, called my sponsor, prayed, and tried to get even deeper into service work to take myself out of myself during those times. Crappy days. Part of life. I mean don't we all have them and especially when the going gets tough? Some of us do get going and right out of AA and right into the cheating "arms" of a bottle (including me in the past attempts I have tried to get and stay sober).
I felt the heat on and I felt the pressure on to "prove" this person wrong about me. I started to take this person up on their "offer". Then, I had the same self-doubts creep in about my commitment to this program which I have had a few times since getting sober. 1,500 days! That's a hell of a long time to stay sober. Then I did the math...that is four years and 40 days! Where in the world did that oddball figure come from? Why not make it an even five years--which would be 1,825 days. Then I thought maybe that person was trying to give me a break--although five years is easier for me to remember than four years, a month and ten days (approx.), 1,500 is easier for me to remember than 1,825. so the "challenge" may be a bit easier for me, since I am not very good in math. I started to take that person up on their very generous "deal" in regards to my sobriety.
Then a thought came into my mind.....the only One who has the power to challenge me is God. He is the One I have to prove myself to. I've been through all the above crap before--not the exact same thing--however, in many other situations in my life. Always trying to prove someone "wrong" about me. Ms. People Pleaser. I feel better knowing that I don't have to spend my days anymore like I used to do so much of in the past trying to please others, and trying to prove anything at all to any other human being--ever.
Now I feel peace. And that is the best feeling in the world!
So......all bets are off....sorry "sober" one, but I am not a gambler when it comes to my sobriety. I think that the people, places and things thingey can come into play here... however, it is a lesson learned for me and I am actually grateful to that person, for it taught me that I must always try to encourage newcomers as well as "oldtimers". We are all the same as we really only have "One Day at a Time" in this program.
And if this is "gossip" which I posted that I was trying to remove from my life, I am really sorry. I will continue to pray for the removal of it and the many of my character defects, as I do everyday.And at least I try very hard to recognize my CD's.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 08:18:50 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 08:19:40 AM
Thanks for sharing this, BTY. After moments like this, peace is amazing thing.
Before I was thinking that peace is something boring, because I didn't know what's peace. Now, when I look around I really see peace through others in recovery. In that way I'm learning to feel the emotions in myself in healthy way.
I'm trying to keep in my mind that in A.A. there are a lot of people, who are not there for recovery, but they are ill, too. So prayers and meditation of "what I can do for the still suffering"... sometimes I can't see a way to help. But in those moments I learnt that God shows me that I shouldn't be there and may be other will help. And its for my protection and other's.
Thanks for your responses.
This has been bothering me off and on throughout the morning. I just keep praying the Serenity Prayer. Guess I am not "walking the walk" about what i posted above. Who knows? Maybe that person was right. It's in God's hands. Thought about doing a post about how to recognize if one is a "dry drunk". For some reason, decided not to. Can't get into taking others' inventories.
Recognizing with spiritual malady. Selfishness - self-centeredness. I'm using the things that I found in me. What I do, how I react, what's my behavior.
For example: We were together with my sponsor with 1 hour earlier on meeting to talk. And her other sponsee called her. I knew how she will react, because it's the way I react. Envy, jealousy, suspicion, distrust. It's the pride, which has 2 main directions - arrogance or self-pity. In this case self-pity - that she is not wanted, that our sponsor likes me more and wants to talk with me more. And I was just spectator and I saw myself through other person which is amazing.
BTY - Last night at a meeting a friend shared that they realized that they need not be held hostage by their thoughts any longer. That just because she has a thought doesn't mean it's true. I added that I am no longer held hostage by other peoples thoughts either. Just because they think I'm not going to make it or I'm worthless or stupid or... doesn't mean it's true either. They are just as capable of irrational or just plain wrong idea's and thoughts as I am.
That said, there is another possibility. There are many of us in AA who stayed sober, when nothing else worked, on a resentment. It is also true that there are many who slip at about the year mark - like a year was the goal and either getting close to it they sabotage themselves - or they make it and give themselves permission to go back out. It is possible that this person was TRYING to give you a resentment in, what many might call, an unskillful attempt to motivate you to 'show them' and stay sober. While I don't recommend such a method myself, there's something to be said for someone who would invite anger and resentment in an attempt to help someone else.
How do you know why they said it? You don't and likely never will - but I'd prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt because frankly, I'm happier that way.
One last thing...and this is just my perspective. Far be it for me to try and tell anyone what kind of relationship to have with their HP but...I'm not sure you have to prove yourself to your HP. I am a far cry from any God but even for lowly me - the idea that my daughter needs to prove anything to me is beyond comprehension. I couldn't be more proud of her or love her more regardless of what she does or does not do in this life. I'd think that would be even more true for God's children.
Possibly I should have said...I don't need to please anyone but my HP.
I'm okay....just was not a good day to hear the above I shared. I had invited my daughter to a meeting hoping that since I made it a year, she would come around. No response. So I have been fighting depression over that. Don't know why I even bothered to send the damn invite to her. Then I get that little morsle above in my email messages. So I have my own little pity party going but that is okay. I'm sober. That's all that counts to me anymore staying sober and helping others.
The very first thing that popped into my mind when I read this BTY, was when I wanted to get one of my sons to do something, I told them they 'better not' or they 'couldn't', or 'I betcha can't do this or that' ... ... ... That, my dear, is Psych 1 to me ... children have somewhat of a natural tendency to 'do the opposite' of what they think we want them to do or tell them to do ... and many of us carry this thinking with us into adult life ... I've been challenged a number of times in my life to do, or not do, certain things ... and I'd bite, and take the challenge in order to prove worthiness or what-ever-the-hell I was trying to prove ... (I got some interesting stories here too ... LOL) ...
Point is, when I finally got sober and started viewing and living life in a totally different way, I no longer felt the need to 'prove' anything to anybody ... like Popeye ... I yam what I yam ... and I yam happy with that today ... early on, I told my wife, I choose not to drink today, tomorrow ? maybe, just not today ... ... ... that's what makes me comfortable, one day at a time ... so my wife has also learned to take one day at a time, well, kinda ... she's still tries to control things beyond her abilities, but that's another story, LOL ... ... ...
So it looks like you had some 'child psychology' used on you Grace ... don't worry, there be many more sobriety tests to look forward to, LOL ... some, you can't even 'dream of' right now ... but, you handled everything superbly so far, keep up the good work, you'll receive many more rewards you never even dreamed of before too ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"Child Psychology".....well, then I am surprised I didn't get it since I am a big kid.
The person sent a follow up message...that their sponsor had told them that after they reached a year and they were telling me the same thing they heard. Basically what a couple of you posted which may have been a possibility...
anyway, the only response I sent was a
"Please Call 1-800-HelpMe"
I don't know...maybe I will "get it" the longer I am in the program. For now, I look at it as a rather cruel way to try to help someone stay sober and from the way I feel, I know I will never have the need to play Dr. Phil when it comes to helping others in this program.
thanks guys.
One thing I learned early on: Some of us are just getting sobriety. But some of us are getting recovery. There's a big difference. Sobriety only has to do with marking time. Recovery has to do with living a joyful life with purpose.
None of us have anything to "prove" to anyone.
You're getting recovery, BTY. You're doing the work. It's all good.
"Child Psychology".....well, then I am surprised I didn't get it since I am a big kid. The person sent a follow up message...that their sponsor had told them that after they reached a year and they were telling me the same thing they heard. Basically what a couple of you posted which may have been a possibility... anyway, the only response I sent was a "Please Call 1-800-HelpMe" I don't know...maybe I will "get it" the longer I am in the program. For now, I look at it as a rather cruel way to try to help someone stay sober and from the way I feel, I know I will never have the need to play Dr. Phil when it comes to helping others in this program. thanks guys.
I think you understood what i was trying to say but just in case, here's one of my stories ... and it's true, it really happened ...
About 1978 or '79, my wife and I had been in our new house(1st house) for a few years ... one of our neighbors was an 'I'm better than you' kinda guy ... always had to be 'one up' on everbody ... one day he was boasting of his entry into a Nashville charity 10 mile race, not 10k, a whole 10 miles ... I was a smoker, 26 or 27 years old and slightly overweight already ... This pompous ass challenged me to run this frick'n race with him ... it was 10 weeks away but I had to register soon ... so, being the total idiot I was(shut your pie hole Phil), I register for the race ...
In my mind, I was going to go to any length to beat that 'nut job' ... so I think the intent of your AA'r was to get you so determined to stay sober, that you'd have the same reaction I did ... I wanted to prove how wrong that guy was, just as your reaction was above, at one point ... But that approach doesn't work with everyone ...
So anyway, I started off by running around the block one time ... I sat down to have a smoke and thought I was literally going to die right then 'n there ... then that damn smirk on my neighbor's face came to mind ... I thought, hell, what have I got myself into ...
Next day, I ran around the block twice, same reaction ... the third day, I decided I could not do this AND smoke ... so I quit smoking, cold turkey ... by the second week, I was running around the block 4 times everday ... by the end of 6 weeks, I had lost 15 lbs and was running 5 miles a day ... 2 weeks before the race, I was running 10 miles within 2 hours every other day ...
Race day ... bang, we're off 'n runnin' ... Bill and I stayed within eyesight of each other for the first couple miles, then he off and left me ... me, being more intelligent(shut it Phil), I 'paced' myself ... I was going to run MY race, not his ... well it got 'hot' & humid ... the Fire department turned on the hydrants to cool us off every now 'n then ... I made it to mile 9 and hit my 'wall' ... slowed to a walk for a while ... thought I was goin' to die, AGAIN ... then this old, very wrinkled, lady of about 80 years old passed my ass ... I thought damn, how'd that happen ??? ... I got my second wind and finshed the race in 1 hour 44 minutes or so ... ... ...
I was trying to walk off the run and re-hydrate when I ran into another neighbor, a great guy and a very humble type(who ran all kinds of races all the time, including marathons, ... I asked, you seen Bill ??? ... he said no, that he had finished the race himself in something like 48 minutes and was just milling around ... well, I caught my breath, got something to eat and was still watching the 'finish line', cause hundreds of people were still straggling across, when I saw Bill ... after he crossed the line, he went over and started leaving his breakfast all over the sidewalk ... ... ... he came in at about 2 hours 20 minutes ... and he was a skinny s.o.b. ... ... ...
SO, there you have it ... people will do insane things over a dare (challenge) .... it really is foolish to try and stay sober on a dare, just to prove something to someone else ... and you should know, I've seen people stay sober based on a resentment, that usually doesn't last very long either ...
You keep doing what you're doing Grace ... work YOUR program, not someone else's ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
LOLOLOLOL In fact, BIG AND MIGHTY LOL'S on that one, Pappy.... If nothing else comes of it, I am grateful that it happened because if it hadn't I don't know if I would have ever heard you tell that story. You made me laugh pretty much all the way through it. I don't know if I have ever read anything on this board, or since getting sober, that made me laugh so much. Thanks so much for sharing!!! You should submit that story to Reader's Digest (or perhaps National Geographic--with everything going on in the world these days, it could certainly use a story like yours to lighten things up (Now, hopefully I won't recall it during the meeting tonight and bust out laughing.) BTY
still more
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 5th of June 2014 07:04:59 AM
Thanks for the kind comments guys ... I was up late comforting a really scared dog ... lots of thunder & lightening @ 2 a.m. ... so I decided to spend a little time here ...
Love you guys too, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I hope Rose (or Rosie??? Did I remember her name?) is doing better. I had a dog named Ginger and she was terrified of the thunder and would stay close to us during the storms.
I am glad she is better. I knew her name was close to my beloved poodle, Rosie, who passed away a while back along with my other two wonderful dogs. Wasn't there with them in the end, as I had left them when I left my home six years ago. Breaks my heart to think of not only what I did to my family, also to my dogs, who loved me and my ex told me after I left, they waited by the door for so long each day, after I left waiting on me to return...oh, waterworks time...enough of that.
yeah, I've seen those ... it's supposed to make the dog feel like it's being 'hugged' or somp'n ... if this becomes a frequent late night, early morning thingy, I may have to invest in one ... thanks ....
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
That story was AWESOME Roger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((PAPPY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I ended up getting over a couple of humps just because I could not let anyone be 'right' that I wouldn't make it in the beginning. It's all how it's supposed to be :)
