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Post Info TOPIC: A letter to my former self.
Raeanne


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A letter to my former self.
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Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014.

 

I am writing this letter to myself as well as my family, as a commitment to better my life. If I dont change now I never will. And I am tired of being a failure. I want my life back. The life that alcoholism has stolen from me. I may pretend to think that I have control over this disease but I dont. It controls me. I need to find the strength to put mine and my families needs before the need of the alcohol.

 

Every part of my life that I have failed to correct is mostly because of alcohol and depression. My house is a mess, the kitchen is never clean the laundry is never done and dinner is hardly ever cooked. Alcohol makes me a lazy slob. And I know we have all had enough. We cant live like this anymore. We all deserve better.

 

My weight loss has been a night mare due to alcoholism. I binge drink which is more useless calories contributing to my weight gain. And then I snack all night to soak up the alcohol which has caused my weight to reach a whopping 185 pound at 52. I am, by the health world considered physically obese...and considering I used to weigh 110 pounds the feeling of guilt and being a failure should be more real. But its not. I don't seem to feel anymore. Alcohol has numbed my whole entire life. And I just want to feel again. I want to embrace every feeling I have and change my life accordingly.

 

It has ruined my marriage. I assume by the killing of many, many brain cells I dont seem to have anything what so ever to talk about with my husband. I feel numb all day everyday. I dont do anything during the day which I could talk about because I am usually hung over or feeling depressed. I seem to lack the motivation to do anything. I can see he feels like he is at a loss. In his eyes he is wondering where the woman he fell in love with has gone. I want more than anything to become the woman he met again. And as long as alcohol is in my life I will never become that person.I know that now.

 

I pray to god for the strength to change my life. I pray that I will feel again. So I can be the loving, caring, responsible and mature person that they need to be. They deserve so much more and in my current state I can not give them that. I need to get better not just for me but for every person and relationship in my life. I have become a shadow of what I once was and it scares the hell out of me. I wonder if I will ever be healthy again. But all I can do right now is write this letter. To try and convince my self to stop. Once and for all. I wish I had the strength to never want alcohol ever again.

 

I used to be a person with dreams and aspirations. With hobbies, likes and dislikes. Now I just feel like I am simply existing not living. Just floating around in the world with no direction. I want to sing, to dance, to play my guitar, to sew, to create and most of all start learning new things again. I want to hike in the mountains and watch the sun set. I want to look in the mirror and not be completely disgusted with what I see. I want to feel beautiful and healthy again, to wear an outfit without complete shame of what I see on a weight scale. And most of all I want to be able to embrace every moment. I am tired of letting life pass me by. I am tired of lacking the motivation and drive I used to have to improve my life. 

 

Post partum depression and alcoholism has completely raped my life of everything good I used to feel. Right now I dont even remember what its like to feel. I keep telling myself that once I hit rock bottom I will just snap out of it some how. But rock bottom was many months and many pounds ago. I hit rock bottom and then somehow sank much much deeper, into a black hole. So deep I cant see the light anymore. 

 

But today as I write this letter to myself. I guess I am trying to reach down farther than I ever have in the past 14 months to the optimistic girl I once was. So full of life and positive energy. I am begging her to come back. Because I am not the only one that needs her. My family and I need her strength, her determination. Her drive and the fight she used to have to change her life for the better. We cant live like this anymore.

 

So please Bethany where ever you are...come back.



-- Edited by Raeanne on Tuesday 3rd of June 2014 03:15:27 PM

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Raeanne


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Well I am sorry if this is stupid. I just felt compelled to write and share. Today I and wanting to change myself so badly. Can anyone else relate?

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Philipld


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Nothing to apoligize for and its NOT stupid...by any means..

Its REAL....

And Weve been there....

Alcohol took everything...everybody....and US...and it all became a big black hole...of NOTHING..

Great share!!



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2granddaughters


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Raeanne, your post isn't stupid .. it could have been written by any one of us.

Please click on www.aasantacruz.org/Assets/doc/How-It-Works.pdf

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is God's gift to millions of us suffering alcoholics.

If you follow HOW IT WORKS your prayers will be answered.

All the best.

Bob R

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davep12and12


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It sounds to me like you are already well on your way to working STEP ONE of the twelve steps. Excellent!

Have you ever had any experience with Alcoholics Anonymous before? Ever been to an AA meeting?

I strongly encourage you to get to a meeting right now, today. Do not wait. Do not let your alcoholism get the chance to talk you out of it.

Go there and ASK FOR HELP. Everyone there, like everyone here, has been exactly where you are right now. They understand, and so do we.

And while people here are certainly willing to help you find your way to sobriety, there is simply no substitute for getting help in a real, face to face AA meeting.

Please get to a meeting. Get there a little early and tell some people that you are new, and that you are looking for help. They will take it from there.

And please come back here and tell us how it went! If you have any questions about how this all works, just ask.



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Angell


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It may be poor form to say this, but I've never let a little thing like that stop me before and so...

If you mean what you wrote, and I've no reason to believe you don't - in fact, I'm a fiction writer who would have a hard time coming up with a dialogue that powerful for a character, then you have a better than average chance of recovery. IF you act. I'm with Dave - don't give your alcoholism a chance to talk you out of it. If you've been to a meeting before - then just go. If you haven't, look up AA locally and call and tell them you need help. They WILL help.

And we're here too. Ready, willing and able to help to the extent that we can from afar. As everyone on this board will, I believe, tell you - this board is also a lifesaver. One last thing - when you do go to a meeting, the folks there will tell you that they'll love you till you can love yourself. That's a lie. They continue loving you after you can love yourself too. :)

All the best, with love and hope,

Angel

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Tasha


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Ya - I had to check to see if you copied and pasted my first post lol!


Welcome home.

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xxoxoxoxxooo Love & Peace
Mike D


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Raeanne,

You just wrote my story -- the way it was back when I couldn't stop drinking.  You're in the right place.  Glad you're here with us!  Welcome!

Blessings, Mike D.



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Enigma


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Sounds like you got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been where you have been at one time.

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betterthanyesterday52


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Hi again Raeanne and please know that there is very little you can say to another alcoholic that is going to sound "stupid". As you heard others share, your story is not all that different from many of ours. When you go to an AA meeting, you will probably be amazed at how many of the people who share will express many of the same things you have been through and are going through. And you will hear shares of people who say just that--"I hear my story in these rooms." I sure did and it made me feel so much better! I didn't feel so alienated, so alone. And those good folks in the meetings (and ones on this super board) were willing to help "me"--a stranger. Or so I thought I was....turned out none of us are really strangers to one another as we are all suffering from the same disease that was determined to destroy us. I used to think about what a loser I was. I thought I couldn't do anything right. One big mess...and speaking of messes--my housecleaning was no "Hazel's" that's for sure....(that's a show from the 1960's). It still isn't as clean and neat as I would like it, that's okay. I'm sober.

What you described is the powerless I felt, too when I "had had enough". It took me reaching a point where I was" sick and tired of being sick and tired" as we hear a lot in AA. You feel in despair now and that is your mind and your body screaming and wanting out of the prison alcohol has built around you. Sounds like you already know that and good for you and you are realizing that you deserve to be happy. You sure do! I PM'd you a bit ago and look forward to reading more posts from you.


BTY

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Mr_David


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Welcome, Raeanne, to M.I.P. Your message was truly inspiring, especially to an old timer like myself. I actually felt like a newcomer again, including those unfamiliar moments way back when, that's how refreshing it felt. In fact, it was so refreshing that it actually set me back a few years when 'king alcohol' had it's way with me, that's how powerful it was. 

Prior to me sobering up, I experienced a series of unfortunate incidents, including a couple of messy divorces, before I finally said enough already -that's how messed up I was. It was like I was suffering a fate that only alcoholics were accustomed to, that's how troubling it felt. Today, though, is much, much different -thanks in part to A.A. I only hope the sentiment continues.  

I had a paralyzing fear early on that kept me at bay most of the time, it was a fear that had no real basis whatsoever. It's so difficult, though, to live in fear, something I knew all too well. I guess that's why my past always caught up to me. What I quickly learned was how invaluable a good sober based program truly was. It was a beacon of hope in the darkness that was my alcoholism, plain and simple. It was only after I sobered up that saw recovery for what it's worth and I haven't second guessed that decision ever since.  

I had a similar list as you, the do's and don'ts of sobriety I called it, but all that worrying lead me nowhere. I was so concerned about relapsing that I lost sight of everything else. I would focus much of my attention on relapse prevention instead of a good sober based program. I guess that's why I relapsed so many times. I also had a habit of over analyzing everything: From ingredients to labels I analyzed it all. It took what was left on my sanity and causally lifted it away. I needed to look beyond my so called fears and witness firsthand the life changing benefits of a good recovery program. When I did, my life took on a new meaning.

We can always spin the top further, wondering if we could do something different this time around, but all that worrying leads us nowhere. Relapses can do one of two things: Leave a faint residue that never goes away or give us another chance at redemption. It can feel like Groundhog Day over and over again. The thing was; I was better than that, so why keep a good man down. I had to reach beyond my scapegoating ways and give recovery an honest try. When I did, nothing including past regrets, could force me to hand over my will like before. It was my first real breakthrough moment and I haven't looked back since. I hope it remains that way for you. Onward



-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 01:22:51 AM

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Mr.David
Angell


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I've been thinking on this post today and wanted to add one more thing...

Alcohol, especially at my level of consumption before I quit, is a poison. Regardless of how full I thought my life was before alcohol, there was some aspect of it that made me think that putting poison in my system was a pretty nifty idea. Regardless of whatever romanticizing I did about my life pre-alcohol, there was something missing. Taking the alcohol away would simply put me right back into that place. The Alcoholics Anonymous program not only brought me back from the dead, but gave me the tools to repair the damaged parts of my psyche that longed for escape. The program did not bring me back to my pre-alcohol level of happiness but transported me to a happiness I had never dreamed possible before.

There is a fourth dimension of existence out there waiting for you that is not contingent on circumstances. I found it. We have found it. You can too. I'm pulling for you.

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pinkchip


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Raeanne - that was also pretty similar to how I felt and what drinking did to me. It really felt alcoholism and depression had raped me of everything pretty much.

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Raeanne


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Wow thank you guys for all of your amazing posts! If I hadn't found this website and talked to all of you awesome people I probably would have never written that letter. Talking to all of you has given me the courage to want more for my life. And it has opened my mind up to AA meetings. Hearing all of your great stories of recovery makes me want to get better. I feel inspired. And it helps me to know that it IS possible to get better. It won't happen over night. It's not change we fear its the transition. But if I don't go through this transition I will never get better. I have found an AA meeting at a Church near by...so I will go to my first meeting tomorrow night! Wish me luck :) and THANK YOU ALL!!!

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Stepchild


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It's a beautiful letter. I think any one of us could have written it. If I could suggest one thing....It would be to get a copy of the Big Book...Read it...And reread it. Here it is online til you can get a copy. You can probably get a copy at your meeting.

http://anonpress.org/bb/

Start with the Foreward and the Doctor's Opinion....Then the first 7 chapters...That's the meat and potatos.....See if you see yourself in there.....I know I did. And if your first meeting is anything like mine....You'll know you're in the right place. Welcome aboard...Let us know how it went.

 



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2granddaughters


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Raeanne wrote:

Wow thank you guys for all of your amazing posts! If I hadn't found this website and talked to all of you awesome people I probably would have never written that letter. Talking to all of you has given me the courage to want more for my life. And it has opened my mind up to AA meetings. Hearing all of your great stories of recovery makes me want to get better. I feel inspired. And it helps me to know that it IS possible to get better. It won't happen over night. It's not change we fear its the transition. But if I don't go through this transition I will never get better. I have found an AA meeting at a Church near by...so I will go to my first meeting tomorrow night! Wish me luck :) and THANK YOU ALL!!!

 Raeanne, I will venture a guess and say that after your first AA meeting you will feel like you are definitely among friends and that you have found a place that you "belong".

Welcome home !

 

Bob  (near Windsor, ON)



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davep12and12


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Raeanne wrote:

 I have found an AA meeting at a Church near by...so I will go to my first meeting tomorrow night! Wish me luck :) and THANK YOU ALL!!!

Really glad to hear this, Raeanne. Now - do not let ANYTHING stop you from getting to that meeting.

If you are like us, your head will try to tell you all sorts of reasons to change your plans between now and tomorrow night.

Do not listen to any of it. That is just alcoholism, Trying to do what it does best. Trying to keep you from recovering.

Just get to that meeting. No matter what.



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Pythonpappy


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Hi Bethany, ...

I replied to your PM before reading this, but I feel what I sent to you applies even more after reading your post here ...

 

Please allow us to show you the 'solution' to everything you dislike about your life today, you don't have to live and feel like this anymore ... there is an alternative, and it's called Alcoholics Anonymous ... 'Together', we learn how to live life sober, and enjoy the heck out of it ... ... ... 

 

Love ya and God Bless,

Pappy



-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 4th of June 2014 11:40:26 PM

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SoberJohn


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Raeanne wrote:
I have found an AA meeting at a Church near by...so I will go to my first meeting tomorrow night! Wish me luck :) and THANK YOU ALL!!!

 

 

Good for you, Raeanne! You just have to take that first step but are never alone.  May God bless you. 



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I have a disease that is constantly trying to convince me that I don't have it.
Raeanne


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Well I wen't to my first meeting last night! It went really well. It was a little terrifying at first. But once people started to open up it was amazing and very emotional. I was too nervous to share though. It's so nice to know your not alone. I met some really nice ladies that I can talk to. I really feel like I am around people who understand me for the first time in my life. I can't wait until next weeks meeting!

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Stepchild


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That's awesome Raeanne...I think you just desacribed a first meeting as about as well as it can be done. Terrified....Emotional...Nervous....Amazing....I belong here.....I got to get back here. Sounds exactly like mine. Nice thing is...You only have one first meeting...You'll get to know some incredible people.....And they do get it....Because they've been there. I'm curious...Do you only have one meeting a week available to you where you live?. I live in a town I have about 15 different meetings a day I could go to.

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2granddaughters


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Raeanna, hook up with those girls and get to meetings as often as possible. edmontonaa.org/meetings/

Find a group that you like and make it your home group. Get a sponsor and get active. It will save your life.

All the best.

Bob R

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