It's never a good thing to find out from another person your STBXW was in fact cheating on you with another man for past 6 months who is also married to a abusive alcoholic wife. What makes me mad the whole time my wife blamed my disease and character defects stating nothing was going on that she was being falsely accused. She finally owned up to it on Saturday. But somehow she sees herself as the victim and was really pissed off in a manic rage. I was calm if anyone had a right to be upset if should be me. It's sickening she claims she's working a AL- anon program after everyone told her not to get involved with this guy. Not that any of it matters now but it kills me that someone would use my disease against me to hide behind a continuing lie. I can't change her. But I was used for everything. Whatever last hope their was for this marriage was destroyed by her need to feel loved and complete via another man not a HP. I'm glad I don't need another partner to make me feel loved or make me happy. Wife if your listening you are no longer a victim stop playing it.
Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort, and destiny of others, we are careTAKERS. We may believe, at an unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness, just as we're responsible for theirs.
It's a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving, nurturing person. But caretaking is neglecting us to the point of feeling victimized. Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in learning to take responsibility for themselves.
Caretaking doesn't work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.
The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking responsibility for ourselves - for what we think, feel, want, and need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.
Today, I will pay attention to my actual responsibilities to myself. I will let others do the same. If I am in doubt about what my actual responsibilities are, I will take an inventory.
Tough situation. I had to end a marriage in favor of my sanity and recovery. 25 years later, it was the best decision I ever made and life has been wonderful from that point on.
Great stuff Tasha! Enigma, common thing to happen when dealing with the effects of Alcoholism. Same thing happen to me. The only difference is it was a year before it materialized. Then 2 more years of broken promises, she will change, betrayal- Etc........... We used to do everything with this family- camp, rent cottages etc....... We were very close families. He and my Ex got together. While both parties were married. Kids involved the whole 9 yard. Like you, it was my fault. It's always going to be your fault until you Ex gets help. She's suffering from the effects of Alcoholism. Long story short, there was wreckage on both sides and neither family is intact today. They were attracted to each other because they were so much alike. So needy and looking for an understanding person who would fix them. My Ex actually admitted one time that she obessed over this person and then had a compulsion beyond her control. Sound familiar? Very similiar to the bottle. Eh? Needless to say it ended badly for them too. Alcoholism and co-dependency traits overlap a great deal. Aren't we just co-dependent on Alcohol while others are co-dependent on people, drugs food, gambling etc............. Think about the symptoms that led up to our solution? Aren't they all similiar in nature. If you stay sober and work The Program vigilantly, some time in the future you will see this event as a gift. Don't know where I'm going with all this, just typing with God leading the way. I guess you hit a nerve this morning. Just my experience here.
I'm grateful today that The Program changed me. I found myself and love of myself. I acquired a faith. I now counted. It gave me the courage and strength to move on from that chaotic and dynsfunctional lifestyle. The lifestyle were my needs were not getting met all along. I'm no longer going to settle for less. Either do you my friend. God sometimes add by substraction. He removes things in our lifes to make room for good things.
I'm not pointing fingers in any direction here, but the fact is, is that we alcoholics can definitely push our partners to do things they wouldn't ordinarily have done (while we were actively drinking) ... either by lack of affection, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, etc. ... ... ... so it serves no purpose to judge them or ourselves for the past, they can't change the past just like we can't change it ... ... ... in cases like this, I suggest prayer ... the more, the better ...
During my 4th step, I really had to evaluate 'my part' in causing my wife to do the things she did ... (details are not necessary) ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
According to them, I was the problem not them.
That is exactly what I've dealt with. I also identify with what others have said here. I'm glad I'm not the only who has gone through this. You understand when no one else can. Thanks for all sharing. I guess I'm in disbelief still how cunning baffling and powerful this disease really is. Some one put it to me this way. If you keep mistreating Gods gift he's gonna take it away. I know I will get through this and be better for it. Yes part of me wants to caretake and save it's hard to see someone you love go through this. But I know detachment is the answer and letting go a little more. It's gonna take time for me to forgive but I only have to be accountable to myself today not anyone else's problems.
Enigma, bottom line is that this is a Family disease. The alcoholic is sick and it makes those that have to be around him/her sick also. And in reality, the wife was probably not well when she met the alcoholic due to her family of origin. This isn't your fault, and it may not be her's, it's just a sorry movie script that gets played out hundreds of times a day, in the millions of alcoholic dysfunctional families. It's very predictable. So don't feel bad, unique, victimized, it's just typical. That might not sound good to you at this moment, but it will. I went through the same stuff. It felt horrific at the time, now I'm really glad that it forced the issue that separated us for good. I'm on good terms with my X. She hasn't changed a bit and it's very obvious that we were totally incompatible. We are like oil and water.
It's never a good thing to find out from another person your STBXW was in fact cheating on you with another man for past 6 months who is also married to a abusive alcoholic wife. What makes me mad the whole time my wife blamed my disease and character defects stating nothing was going on that she was being falsely accused. She finally owned up to it on Saturday. But somehow she sees herself as the victim and was really pissed off in a manic rage. I was calm if anyone had a right to be upset if should be me. It's sickening she claims she's working a AL- anon program after everyone told her not to get involved with this guy. Not that any of it matters now but it kills me that someone would use my disease against me to hide behind a continuing lie. I can't change her. But I was used for everything. Whatever last hope their was for this marriage was destroyed by her need to feel loved and complete via another man not a HP. I'm glad I don't need another partner to make me feel loved or make me happy. Wife if your listening you are no longer a victim stop playing it.
((((Enigma)))))
That's tough stuff. Sounds like the situation between you and her is pretty volatile and the space between you and her is too narrow right now. Perhaps increasing this space until things settle down a bit would be something you may want to consider doing. (And by "space" I mean not only physical space--I mean "cool it" with any kind of contact if at all possible. The "manic rage" you mentioned, scares me.) You are hurt by her actions, she is hurt by your actions.
I know exactly how you feel, Enigma. The same week that you found out about your wife, I discovered that my husband had been carrying on a 4 year affair with another woman, and of course, it has been blamed on me. I have no advice for you, but I can 100% sympathize, empathize, and relate to every single emotion that you are going through right now.
What's done, is done ... thanks to God and AA we have the tools to deal with it today ... it's only as significant and hurtful as we allow it to be ... time to move onward ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes sir. I guess I must if I want peace. I've been trying my best. I have made progress. Every once on a while something comes up. Like the six hours I spent filling out court papers for mediation on Thursday. I was wiped after that. But it is getting better and any moments of grief are very short lived to maybe 5 min now. I'm just grateful I'm going through this now not newly sober and not while I was drinking.
