Since being in the AA program of recovery and having the ability to change my life for the better, I have been watching my thoughts so much more carefully. Over the last 50-something years, I have been a victim of my own thoughts. Countless times I bought into the belief that things which entered my mind, weren't always to be questioned. They were facts. Therefore, since that "thought" entered my mind it must be true. I didn't spend time trying to figure it out and hold a "trial" for it. That thought had been proven "guilty" before it was put on "trial" and questioned by more authoritative "figures". This may sound ridiculous to some and maybe I am not conveying what I am thinking so let me give an example....
A common thought of mine has been....
"That person is staring at me. It is not a "friendly" stare. It is judging me." (if I am having a bad hair day, my thought sometimes is...)"That person thinks I have a bunch of dead ends and I need a haircut." (if I am dressed kind of sloppily and am around nicer dressed people--particularly women, my thought sometimes is....) "That person (or people) think I am 'poor', 'have no fashion sense' or 'not keeping up with the latest styles' (which would be true on the latter one--as I don't).
The above is just one of the many flawed thoughts I have had. It comes from being insecure and the fear of not being "worthy" enough and not being accepted by others and the fear of criticism.
I am now trying to hold a "trial" for my thoughts like this and not believe them just because they enter my mind. This is something I never did before I got into the program.
Just wanted to share this in case anyone else has this kind of thinking and it has caused you to not only feel bad about yourself, it has caused you to judge other people unfairly as well.
Very much like you, BTY, I had never questioned my thoughts, or my beliefs, or my feelings. I had the deeply ingrained ego-driven notion that, if I believed it, or thought it, or felt it, then it would have to be true. But, fairly early in my journey of recovery, a new thought suddenly appeared in my brain, seemingly out of nowhere. It said to me: "Why don't you consider the possibility that you might be wrong?"
That thought changed everything for me, from then on.
You're on the right track when you begin to honestly question yourself. That's what the Big Book instructs us to do.
When I was early in the program, I had many 'self-conscious' thoughts too ... but I soon learned that when it came to what others were thinking about me, the fact is, they seldom do think about me ... they're usually just sitting there thinking about what others are thinking about them, LOL ... ... ... so, now, when I wonder what others are thinking about me, I just tell myself 'this is silly', what does it really matter what they think, as long as I know I'm in the right 'state of mind' ... ... ... noth'n else really matters ... ... ... As long as I maintain a 'conscious contact' with God on a daily basis ALL my concerns are taken care of ... ... ... 'no worries mate' ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
One of the thought forces I learned (after lots of practice) from others in program was "What anyone thinks of me is none of my business". It took a lot of work to get that into acceptance and then I did. Just after that I worked with my sponsor on a connection thought. Oral statements I took personally not even knowing the motives from where they came. "Sticks and stones can break my bones and words just cannot hurt me....unless I let them". My sponsor ran me thru this filter over and over until I got it. I was spending too much time taking things personally where they actually not my business. Slogan? "Mind my own business". I've been around for a while and was working Pappy's experience partly yesterday..."the fact is, they seldom do think about me..." and very hardly ever in how I think they are thinking about me.
Came to believe that a Power Greater than myself could lead me to .... Sanity.
