It never ceases to amaze me....within a short time from when I get a "milestone" or whatever they are called when you reach 1 month, 3 months, etc., things will happen which confuse and cause me to question my progress. Crappy last couple of weeks which I have posted on here. Had a very few days intermingled with the crappy ones which I would consider "good" so I guess I got too comfortable with those days and let my guard down.....
Last night went to my meeting. It is my home group meeting. I realized about five minutes before the meeting was to start, we didn't have a chair, and so I did it. I was scrambling around getting the literature, which I couldn't find for that meeting so had to use another meeting's literature, which is a different format knowing I would have to recall how the Tues. night meetings go from my memory--which even after all the meetings I have attended there on this night--I still don't remember what I think I should remember. I was running around asking people to read literature--I approached oldtimers who have participated in meetings--was flatly turned down. I did find others. I approached an oldtimer and asked if he would give out chips and was turned down and told that it was not his "home group meeting". So I asked another oldtimer, who after rolling his eyes, took the chips, which made me feel like I was imposing on him. (When it came time to give out chips, he told the group he wasn't doing it and had given it to someone else). I was a mess when the meeting started and was trying to hold back tears. Although I was reading along in the literature, I managed to leave out the 12 Step reading, the purpose of the 7 Traditions Basket, and failed to ask the Home Group members and people willing to sponsor others raise their hands. Then after the meeting was over, the man who cleans up told me he had to leave and couldn't clean up. I have never handled money before and didn't know what to do with it. I called my sponsor and he told me. A female member saw me cleaning up and grabbed the coffee pot and said "I'm helping you." God Bless her because she was like an angel to me just by her willingness to help.
I contacted the person who usually chairs--not to gripe--I was worried he may have been in a car wreak--he told me he had contacted someone who agreed to be the chair. That person was not there last night. After he told me he wouldn't be able to chair for the month, I told him unless someone else wants to do it, I will "be glad to do it". If I am able to face those people again after screwing up the meeting and leaving important things out, I will follow through on my commitment. I really am not qualified, though. Who knows? Someone that was there may say "Don't let her chair the meeting anymore".
My night got worse.....after we left, we went by the store to get some things on the way back and my bf was checking out this hot chick in the frozen food section. I wanted to stuff him in the freezer to cool him off. On the drive back home, the rest of the chocolate cake I made flew into the side door when we went around a curve too sharply. The plastic covering came off and cake went all over the car. The carton of milk we had gotten at the store busted, and we had milk with our cake to clean up. I was so upset and instead of calling my sponsor last night, for fear I would be dumped when I unloaded, I texted someone who I considered a good friend in AA and who has been there for me since fairly early on. No response. I cannot say I blame that person if I am never contacted. Nobody wants to listen to someone whine (like I know it sounds like I am doing here, but I have no where else to go.) I have tried praying, meditating. Still feel awful.
Today I feel depressed and the last thing I want to do is go to a meeting. I am going to try and force myself though. I am questioning my abilities to be able to sponsor someone more than I shared I already was. If I haven't gotten my act together more than this, I don't feel I have any business "passing on what I DON'T have" to someone new. They deserve better. I was looking so forward to picking up my year chip on Friday and I am dreading that. It is just not in my heart. Although I have managed by the Grace of God to stay sober for almost a year, I really don't know how and am questioning how much longer I can pull this off because right now all I really want to do is throw in the towel and drink.
Sorry to be a downer, but I am being an honest downer. I guess I can use the "oh, I'm alcoholic so I'm sick" to give me a little bit of comfort for this sick thinking.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 28th of May 2014 09:14:20 AM
BTY, Sometimes i can be pretty hard on myself as well. It was great that you stepped up to the plate to chair the meeting. Who cares if things didn't go exactly as you had hoped or expected. At least you had the courage to do it. That's a pretty good thing. I actually chaired my meeting last night as well, its a topic discussion meeting and I decided I wanted to talk about the challenges we face in early sobriety from 24hr, 6mo, a year etc. We all have ups and downs, but as long as we don't pick up that first drink, we have a chance. Once we decide to give up on the battle, we lose that chance.
Someone at the meeting had just relapsed after 4 months, but was back the next day after having been brought home by the state troopers. I need to hear those things, it doesn't get better, only worse. I heard from a lot of old timers and it was a great meeting talking about the tools we are given in AA. One person said, AA does NOT keep me sober, AA teaches me how to live sober. I really like that. Each day WE make a decision to stay sober for TODAY.
Some days I think the only thing I am doing right is not picking up that first drink, and some days I think that is good enough. The other thing I learned is that I can restart my day at any point. I just make a decision to do so. I may have to restart my day a few times some days, and thats OK too. Progress not perfection. You do have a lot to offer other alcoholics, I know you have helped me as its been great to see you commitment to your sobriety and your willingness to help the newcomer. As they say, Just Keep Coming!
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The Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among ussometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
You did the best you could with what you had to work with. You gave 100% what happens after that is in Gods hands. Go buy yoyrself some Ice cream or new clothes. Do something nice for yourself.
Hi BTY. Well, the way I look at it, it would be great if someone gets sober, gets a great new job and a great new house, and never ever has a single problem ever again. But that's not the miracle of AA. The miracle is that we get sober, and even though we still have to deal with broken shoelaces, car trouble, burnt toast, spilled milk and ruined cakes and people who don't do what they are supposed to do, we STILL don't drink, and we can get to the point where those annoying situations don't even cause us to WANT to drink. THAT is the miracle.
My dog Rose gets hot outside while I'm gardening ... yesterday, I got her to come to me and I sprayed her down heavily, with water, as I did with myself ... I thought she'd really appreciate it, and it seems she did ... she went romping around playfully and then immediately headed for my freshly tilled dirt row in the garden ...
WELL, she used to be white with brown spots ... but after she dug her nose into the dirt, rolled her head and then her whole body in this dirt (keep in mind, she's dripping wet), she came out of the garden a 'totally brown' dog ... my first thought was SH1T, did THAT just happen ...
After I was done, WE went immediately to the bathtub for a nice bath ... and my first thought ??? ... God sure does have a 'sense of humor' ...
Grace !!! ... ... ... sometimes in life ... ... ... SH!T HAPPENS!!!!!!! ... Today, I've learned to 'laugh off' most the things that would have sent me into orbit before getting sober ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
thanks guys...went on to a noon meeting. Kept tearing up, sat in the back so no one saw. After the meeting, I ran out of there. I haven't done that in months and months. Just didn't want someone to come up and ask me how I was doing, because I knew I would break down and boo hoo. I cried right much at the meetings in the beginning of my sobriety, and really don't want to do that again. Worried someone will think I drank, my bf and I had a fight, etc. (Still worry about what others' think of me and need to mind my own business, I know, I know.) Went out for lunch and there was a hair in my food. After that, had to wait in a overheated car for my ride to come out of a store. So contacted my sponsor to take my mind off the heat. Thanks for your support. Life does happen. I still ate some of that nasty a** cake which flew into the door (how sick is that?) but it was better than a drink. I hope in time I will get over myself, and maybe I'll be able to laugh at this one day, and have the same reaction to crap like you all have. That would just be so great if I get over myself. It's no fun.
BTY
Well if nothing else, you now have another story you can tell a sponsee about how we walk through life's ups and downs and we just don't drink.
Sure, it would be great if those things didn't bother us, but we didn't come to AA to learn how to never have emotions. We came to AA to learn how to stay sober even though we still DO have emotions. Sometimes we get through this stuff really gracefully, sometimes we're, well, human.
My first sponsor used to tell me: "Darling, there are going to be some days in our sobriety when we just won't get any points for 'style'. If the best we can do is just not drink today, some days that's more than good enough".
On the drive back home, the rest of the chocolate cake I made flew into the side door when we went around a curve too sharply. The plastic covering came off and cake went all over the car. The carton of milk we had gotten at the store busted, and we had milk with our cake to clean up. I was so upset and instead of calling my sponsor last night, for fear I would be dumped when I unloaded, I texted someone who I considered a good friend in AA and who has been there for me since fairly early on. No response. I cannot say I blame that person if I am never contacted. Nobody wants to listen to someone whine (like I know it sounds like I am doing here, but I have no where else to go.) I have tried praying, meditating. Still feel awful.
