No amount of being shown holes in the brains of alcoholics, livers the size of watermelons, or sobbing family members who's loved one was killed by a drunk driver was going to stop me from taking my next drink. That was the sad truth I was living in. In fact, hearing the threats, the cries and rational way of looking at things didn't do much but make me feel worse about myself, and what I was doing. And I didn't have any way to cope with how terrible I felt except to drink. I didn't know that how I thought about things could change. I didn't even know that it was possible to not feel terrible guilt over these things and chose another path in my mind... that would allow me to lean on my HP. All I knew how to do was drink over such things... because I didn't have the program or the steps provided to me in AA.
What else could be expected of an alcoholic?
If you say to me "but look at what you're doing to your children... look at the damage you're doing to your body", I don't just suddenly grow tools to live a better life out of my ass!
No. That's never worked for me. Instead, I needed to go to an AA meeting... listen to your stories of hope and recovery... the trials you overcame similar to mine... and then take the welcoming hand extended to me. To the ones who didn't size me up to see if I was good enough, I owe my life. Because I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be in that nice warm seat with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. But I was given a chance anyway - and now I have a life I didn't think was possible.
Tasha, you just told my story. It was only my desperation plus the hopeful things I heard in my first A.A. meeting that allowed me to do the things that would change my life. Thank you for your post.
Blessings of this day and the for your conviction to work daily, in Our Solution, and to give back one helping another in a loving and caring manner....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count. How true this is, few realize.
BB Pg 23
Add to that a physical allergy...The phenomenon of craving.....
And that is what makes us different. I never knew that till I read the Big Book. It's the only thing that ever made sense.
Lots of people discuss this desire to drink normally. I never had that. Nor did I ever have trouble realizing I could not drink normally - in fact I took great measures and planned things carefully knowing full well I was powerless. I also did not desire to drink normally. I wanted to black out.
I think the good Doctor Silkworth summed it up for me pretty well....
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity.
The Doctor's Opinion
Especially this part.....
they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.
No amount of being shown holes in the brains of alcoholics, livers the size of watermelons, or sobbing family members who's loved one was killed by a drunk driver was going to stop me from taking my next drink. That was the sad truth I was living in. In fact, hearing the threats, the cries and rational way of looking at things didn't do much but make me feel worse about myself, and what I was doing. And I didn't have any way to cope with how terrible I felt except to drink. I didn't know that how I thought about things could change. I didn't even know that it was possible to not feel terrible guilt over these things and chose another path in my mind... that would allow me to lean on my HP. All I knew how to do was drink over such things... because I didn't have the program or the steps provided to me in AA.
What else could be expected of an alcoholic?
If you say to me "but look at what you're doing to your children... look at the damage you're doing to your body", I don't just suddenly grow tools to live a better life out of my ass!
No. That's never worked for me. Instead, I needed to go to an AA meeting... listen to your stories of hope and recovery... the trials you overcame similar to mine... and then take the welcoming hand extended to me. To the ones who didn't size me up to see if I was good enough, I owe my life. Because I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to be in that nice warm seat with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. But I was given a chance anyway - and now I have a life I didn't think was possible.
Thanks to AA - my HP - and YOU
Like Mike D said, ... you told my story ... great post, I hope everyone reads it ... Thanks a million ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Mahalo Tasha for bringing it back. I was reminded today by another program person that God doesn't do this without reason. I know one of the reasons is that I am less compulsed to drink every time I heard another's journey. I drank because I could and I did because it was always there. I had consequences and many difficulties because of it. I no longer drink and no longer experience the difficulties and am sure that the first had everything to do with the second. (((hugs)))
This concept, though real, is a tough pill to swallow even for myself. I'm well experienced in things not going my way, but for me want is easily mistaken for need. So the sacrifices you talked about can feel like insurmountable hardships.
I've read countless accounts of "obsessions being lifted" and I was starting to get angry about the whole 'gypped' mentality. I thought I was being robbed or worse. Some days brought fewer fixations than others, but for the most part I seemed to be stuck in limbo with a never-ending itch. Accepting that premise might just be part of the deal, and getting on in spite of it, has been the only effective solution. Funny how that works out.
That was how I felt 13 years ago. I struggled and struggled, yet the miracle alluded me. I was a clown chasing my own hat, only to kick it further away.
The paradox was; I had to surrender to win. When I finally gave up the struggle, I stopped fighting those boundaries. Thanks, dear, for reminding me. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 3rd of June 2014 04:42:09 PM
I drank to get smashed and pass out also. I rarely tried to control my drinking because I simply couldn't. I don't feel I was obsessed with trying to drink like a normal person. I was more obsessed with staying an alcoholic and still having a job and other things. I was obsessed with trying to be a functional person by day and then drink to oblivion by night...that was insanity. I never had that "oh I can just have one or two" thing...I might say "I'll go out for a few drinks" but a few meant like 5 and then I would wind up having 10 or more. I didn't understand how "normal" drinkers drank because 1 or 2 drinks never did anything for me....ever. I always wanted to get trashed. If I had that particular obsession about "oh this time I will just have 1 or 2" that would have made this so much harder. I know 1 drink will never work for me because it NEVER ever did. I never had "one" cigarette, "one" piece of candy..."one" anonymous sex encounter. I do everything way to excess or generally not at all and I understand that about me. I also don't envy normal drinkers because I can't recall a time when I ever was one.
I fully identify with what you wrote and your other comments Tasha.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Alcoholism I first learned was a disease...A Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Disease...Alcohol I found was a symbol..a very distructive symbol of my alcoholism...In spite of even best thinking about its personal distructiveness I could not stop..that's the Insanity..the mental obsession the need to drink..Once I picked up..couldn't stop that was the compulsion...To recover I needed meetings, sponsors, Big Book and Steps..
As a child growing up I had a personality disorder that inhibited..emotional and spiritual growth..THAT's alcoholism..."Long before I picked up my first drink"...Once I picked up just one drink I was a different person 18 yrs old..legal drinking in N.Y State....My life was put in immediate jeprody once I picked up and came close to ending my life at 30..but I was lucky..or fortunate to be given a reprieve a new life in AA..I learned to recover from this disease as mentioned..Meetings, sponsors, BB & steps..kept me away from that first drink, and restored me to sanity..Each day requires due regard to my spiritual well being to maintain my sanity choosing NOT to pick up that drink..The sanity gives me a decision..to pick up or not to pick up...the insanity of picking up takes away any decision leaving me powerless...I know that...that's why today I try to practice particularly steps 10-11-12 every day..even after 40 yrs..
I learned most of what I needed to know in the first 90 days.. that Only gave me the rules figuratively to play by...they are there and not difficult to learn...It's the practice and application...That's a life time job..at first difficult..with sobriety it gets much easier when one learns to handle the rough spots successfully..One is never cured..but recovers to enable oneself to handle life on lifes terms...just like for want of a better word normal people
