Example: Having coffee with another AA'er and my bf. (This person does not have a sponsor, has not worked the steps and is several years sober.) I have overlooked his joking comments about me in the past however decided to take up for myself last night (I was busy yesterday ) and gave it back to him...joking. Nothing hurtful about any physical or mental characteristic as he does to me. He got mad. It was obvious to me, that he can dish it out however he cannot take it. Tonight he brought up how po'd he was last night. He is not used to me defending myself and he acted completely different to me. I started to make amends to him tonight. Then I stopped myself. This person is one of the ones who mocks my accent and he does it in front of others and made a comment about my lack of intellectual ability. I am confused about when it is necessary to make amends to someone and if by doing so, is betraying myself by doing so and allowing them to think of me as a pushover and continue to treat me in a way that continues to hurt and disrespect me.
I am not responsible for anyone else's actions, just my own. You made a joke toward him and he got his feelings hurt. If that was your intention - then it would be disingenuous to apologize unless you've had a change of heart. If it was not your intention to hurt his feelings, just to shut him down, then an apology for your decision might be in order. That said, I might (assuming I am reading you intention correctly) say something along these lines:
"I am really sorry you got angry when I said ____. It was not my intention. You have teased me in the past and it has hurt my feelings. I haven't said anything to you about that because I feared that I might be too thin skinned or took it wrong. I decided that the best way to handle it would be to give as good as I got...but seeing as you got angry, I no longer think that. I won't joke around at your expense any more; and since I seem to be having trouble not taking your jokes personally too, perhaps we could both stop."
I think that is great what you suggested, Angell...
this is the same person who, several months ago, told my bf and me that he had just gotten really upset at a woman for taking his parking space that he saw red and had thought about going and buying a pair of scissors and stabbing her. I am just friends with him because he goes to alot of the same meetings I do and my bf refused to stop associating with him and he didn't take what he said seriously and that I was being paranoid. I found myself getting upset with my bf about that so much so I thought maybe he wasn't serious about hurting someone else and maybe it was helping him with his anger issues towards others being around us. He doesn't have many friends in AA. Really, the man scares me and I am afraid of getting him upset for fear he will hurt me. I have come to the conclusion that if it is meant for me to be taken out in that manner, than so be it. Sick thinking probably, however, I don't worry nearly as much as I did. I know when we stopped hanging out with him for a couple of weeks (having coffee after some meetings) he came up to me and told me his mind was having bad thoughts "again". I wondered if he was having thoughts about hurting me then. We had coffee soon after that.
Thanks for your input.
Not the guy with the scissors again??....Honestly BTY....If it were me.....I'd put some serious distance between this person and myself. If my SO wanted to continue to hang around with this person.....They could do that on their own. I see no good from this relationship.
When I was in my early days of recovery, I focused more on building a relationship with God, and less on my human relationships. As I worked the Steps I changed, and that changed my human relationships completely.
) and gave it back to him...joking. Nothing hurtful about any physical or mental characteristic as he does to me. He got mad. It was obvious to me, that he can dish it out however he cannot take it. Tonight he brought up how po'd he was last night. He is not used to me defending myself and he acted completely different to me. I started to make amends to him tonight. Then I stopped myself. This person is one of the ones who mocks my accent and he does it in front of others and made a comment about my lack of intellectual ability. I am confused about when it is necessary to make amends to someone and if by doing so, is betraying myself by doing so and allowing them to think of me as a pushover and continue to treat me in a way that continues to hurt and disrespect me.