I wanted to share this.... Just some more shi@ about me which had so much to do with leading up to where I am now. It is pretty long-winded so there is a back arrow in the upper left hand corner of your computer for your convenience if you start to get bored.
About six years ago, I went to a therapist for marital problems I was having. My therapist was very attractive and 10 years younger than me. He showered me with compliments about my looks and had an interest in me other than helping me with my mental issues, that's for sure. It got to where, the highlight of my week was meeting with him and spending my therapy time with him. It was like a mental "date" in my mind. I was extremely flattered that this good looking man who was so much younger than me had this attraction for me and it provided me with a boost in my self confidence. He started complimenting my hair, my clothes and told me I was so good looking he'd have to be an idiot not to notice. (It took me a few years before I realized he really was an idiot). So I found myself taking longer and longer to get ready for our appointments...washing my hair, more carefully applying my makeup, and putting on sexier things--just for him! I even went shopping every week and bought new things to try and impress him. He was interested in where I went shopping, where I had coffee--exactly where. I started exercising more to get my body in better shape--for him--walking up to six miles a day. Unfortunately, I started smoking again, too, because I was extremely nervous not only during the time I was seeing him, also the rest of the week because these romantic feelings I had for him overwhelmed me and felt I needed to smoke. So after 20+ years of being off cigs--I got back on them. I also started drinking more and even felt like I needed to down a few drinks before our appointments to take the edge off. So much of the time, our meetings consisted of so much eye-gazing between the two of us. And he seemed to be enjoying it as much as I did, or at least I thought he did, because he did nothing to stop it. Eventually, I realized that this "therapist" was not helping me with my problems--I actually had more issues than I had before I started seeing him. As much as I hated to, I wrote him a letter ending our relationship and told him the transference I was having for him was too great and I felt that was getting in the way of me getting better in the ways I originally went to see him. He didn't have the bal@! to do it because I think it was feeding his ego as well to have me drooling over him during our sessions. After I stopped seeing him, it was as if I went through a breakup of a long-term relationship with the waterworks, the deep feeling of loss, all of the crap I went through in the past after the breakup with boyfriends I was "in love" with. I had certain songs which were dedicated to him in my mind. I even thought that maybe after 3 years, this man would contact me. Three years after the last session is the acceptable time-frame for therapists and patients to see each other romantically, and the therapist cannot face repercussions with the Medical Board. (I did ALOT of research about transference when all this was going on.)
Well, I started seeing another therapist who was practicing with the same group as this man. I was hoping to "see" him when I was in the waiting room --only not see him as a therapist. I secretly hoped he would contact me to see me on a personal level although I never expressed this to him. My new therapist was a woman and I told her about my marital problems and that my drinking was greatly increasing. I also told her about my attraction to the male therapist in her group. She actually advised me NOT to go to AA and she had worked with the Dept. of Transportation as an Alcohol Abuse Counselor! She said I was too vulnerable at that time and I guess she thought I was so hard up for a relationship at that time (ha! guess I was!) and that overruled my needing help for my alcoholism because she said she was worried I would get into a bad relationship in AA. She also advised me to leave my husband of 22 years and to get my marriage annulled. Unfortunately, the woman walked on water in my mind and I listened to her and left my husband. I did not, however, get my marriage annulled and thought she was crazy for suggesting that. So many of our sessions, she would talk as much about herself than me! I heard about her art glass light fixtures and new cabinets she purchased for her kitchen, I heard about the salad bowl she "wove" out of bread, and when she found out I was into art and antiques, she showed me pictures of artwork her daughter created, and there were alot of them, and she did all this on my 45 minutes we had to talk!
So after having these two "professional therapists" I felt more of a mess than ever. The crush I had on the male therapist made me experience feelings which I thought were gone with my husband and I felt like a school girl again. I wanted to feel those feelings more and more and instead of hearing how to repair my marriage, which is why I went to these therapists originally, I left both of them convinced my marriage was over and not worth repairing. My emotions were all over the board, which led me to drink more and to go in search mode in one of the local bars for "a better match" for me. (And I eventually found a match--because I found another alcoholic and we've been together since.)
The purpose of my posting is not to badmouth therapists. I know there are some really good ones out there. I just got two in a row loser ones. No therapist should continue seeing a patient where there is transference on one or both sides which is not resolved after a brief time. (Some transference is normal and does happen between counselors and patients. It is when it gets in the way of treatment that problems can develop which interfere in the treatment of the patient.) And I should not have been the one to end it with my first therapist--it was up to him as he was fully aware of it and was also flirting and acting inappropriately with me. And no therapist should tell a patient to leave their spouse, and certainly not to get the marriage annulled. (Which she later denied saying--so she was a liar, too.) Additionally, no therapist should tell a patient not to go to AA and get help. That was just more crazy!
Oh, btw, I did hear from the male therapist....three years after I stopped seeing him, he sent me a friend's request on FB. We did have coffee at the nearest Starbuck's. My bf was aware of it and dropped me off and picked me up. I was surprised that I no longer nervous around him, nor did I feel attracted to this man as I was chatting with him. He even said I had changed and was acting differently. I told him that it may be because I no longer felt an attraction to him. By saying this, I felt more powerful and more in control. We did continue to exchange emails after that and he expressed interest in seeing me again, which I never did. In one of the messages he referred to me as a "MILF". We no longer communicate with one another. I eventually chewed him out in one of my emails. I was loaded with booze and read him the riot act for the way he acted in my sessions with him, confusing me, and the inappropriate remarks he made to me. I blamed him for contributing largely to the end of my marriage. So I got some of it out of my system. I have learned to accept my role in all of the above and don't really blame anyone other than myself. I was drinking before that all happened and if it took going through all that before I reached the doors to AA, and to where I stayed in them, then all is alright. I have been to a few therapists since these. Very short term--one was a gay man- he was very good and probably the best of all the many therapists I have seen. I realize that, because of the experiences I had with the above therapists as well as my past and current relationships with friends betraying my trust and broken romantic relationships, I no longer trust women and I no longer trust men. I do trust God and am trying to develop my relationship with Him and my goal in life is to help other alcoholics, rather than to find a "perfect" relationship with a man.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 19th of May 2014 08:13:10 AM
Because human beings are naturally weak and full of flaws, it really only makes sense to place complete trust in our Creator who loves us unconditionally. Thanks for your post. Many have had similar experiences, or just plain didn't get the help they really needed. There are good ones, but even the good ones are human.
Gay male therapists rule! Seriously though, there is some benefit I have to working with traumatized females with codependency and relationship issues/sexual trauma. They benefit from the male perspective while feeling safe at the same time (if they know I'm gay that is). I don't always make it a point to tell clients because it's largely not relevant. Mostly, they seem to figure it out even though I'm not a flaming queen.
It does astound me how crappy some therapists' boundaries are. We all take classes in ethics but I think a specific one on boundaries one would help too.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hope my posting didn't sound like I was therapist/people bashing too much. I sure have made/still make a ton of mistakes myself so don't expect perfection from any human. I used to want to be a therapist myself. I knew I had way too many issues I needed to deal with and felt I was unable to be of help to others until I did.
Sure wish you were my therapist, pinkchip....not just because what you posted above...as I have thought that after reading your other postings on here. I would give you a ton of business, too! (To help me work through my ton of mistakes :)
My sister-in-law is currently studying to become a drug and alcohol counselor while trying to make her student loans cover her crack addiction. There are a great number people who get into counseling or psychology in order to escape their own psychosis or addictions. There are also some very good ones. It pays to shop around.
-- Edited by Angell on Monday 19th of May 2014 10:46:11 AM
My bf was really checking out the attractive women in AA.....right in front of me as he has done so much of in the past before we started to AA. After someone suggested we sit apart, one of these woman he stared at so much sat beside him at several of these meetings, despite the fact that there were plenty of chairs available. I learned to tune it all out. I actually was able to do so successfully. I am sure he checks out women all the time still. I wouldn't know for sure because I also learned to not turn my head in his direction at all--I keep my head either straight ahead or turned to the opposite side of him. It is really a shame because of the effort. Although now it has become second nature to me. I am doing whatever I have to do not to go back to drinking again, because this was one of the biggest excuses I gave myself to drink. I posted about not letting "anything anyone says or does stop me from coming to AA". That includes him. My HP is taking care of me, I feel that in my heart.
(I'm still hoping to find a good canine companion one day. Besides my husband, I left my three dogs. All have died since then so I have to deal with that guilt as well.)
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 19th of May 2014 12:41:41 PM
