It was a very busy week. Started a new job worked 76hrs. Had two court appearances on seperate days which is finally hopefully behind me. Also getting to as many meetings as I could this week. I'm drained obviously and have the next two days off. My plans are to relax, take it easy slow down and recooperate. I need to be kind to myself and get more spiritually fit by letting go and letting God. Of course the sick mind wants to creep in saying my life is over and shitty by focusing on the negative. So I have to keep focused on the positive be grateful for what I do have. I'm learning to accept who I am and who I am not. I'm realizing what my limitations are and trying to be ok with it. Not having to be the best or worst at what I do is unfamiliar. The mind wants you to dream of being someone your not. I've only known the drinking thinkin and lifestyle but that's not who I want to be. It's uncomfortable at times with sobriety in getting used to the new me. It all has seemed very traumatic and been full of drama. Without being in the toxic soup it's hard at times to enjoy being at ease it all seems so unreal. Still wondering what God has planned for me next and trying to be fearless. Heard at a meeting today that only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholics loneliness. So true. Feel kind of blah today but want to deny my emotions. It's ok to be blah this will pass and not everyday is gonna be awesome like my mind tells me it should be. Just trying to stay out of my head and enjoy the day.
Sounds like you're doing pretty well, overall. I hope you have a sponsor and are working on the Steps in the Big Book. That's the only thing that'll really change you and change your life for the better.
One of the hardest things for me in the program was changing my 'thinking' from the negative to the positive ... I had spent so many years making excuses for why I couldn't do this or that ... during my alcoholic days, I had an excuse for everything ... so long as it freed me up to do what I wanted to do (which was drink) ...
This 'total honesty' bit was very hard for me to swallow ... and change didn't happen overnight ... and after a few years sober, I still find myself trying to come up with excuses to 'do' or 'not do' what I think I want ... Prayer has helped me tremendously to think of 'others' first and myself 2nd ... I have been much, much happier this way ... and I'm still a 'work-in-progress' ...
Stick around, you're not experiencing anything that most of us haven't already been through ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
As much as I'd like to think I "think of others first", like Pappy mentioned he prays about...I still am working on that as the self-centeredness/ego really gets in the way. It's coming, I think. Years and years, since childhood, of so much inward thinking isn't going to go away right away and is something that is going to take me being aware of it everytime it creeps in.
Thanks for posting, Enigma. It is good to hear from you.
Ron, you are just 2 or 3 weeks out of being away from a constant negative and distracting person. It's going to take time to learn to be at peace and accept peace. It will slowly come in appreciation of simple things like reading books, watching your favorite TV shows, cooking, exercising in ways you like.... It is going to be challenging to learn this self care and the desire is to be with another person to make it easier and less of a challenge. It's hard to go from being such an empty person that you are poisoning yourself daily with booze, then sobering up to deal with total chaos that has been going on around you. You are now entering into 2nd/3rd year emotional sobriety challenges. It is very challenging work but well worth it. I FULLY identify with this and the lonely/awkward feelings you are having. Breaking my addiction to alcohol took me quite a ways, but then working on my codependency, really learning self-care and loving myself....That got me serenity.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Actually it's been 7wks but whose counting Lol. I appreciate all your support. I've personally have not met any of you but feel very comfortable around each of you. Thx for sharing your ESH with me and keeping the focus on myself. it's actually sometimes been more helpful than some of my FTF meetings. Especially you Pinkchip you have been a Godsend. I've come to be more tolerant of people and what they have to offer. I also remember a saying a friend told me 6 weeks ago when I entered this struggle. He said Ron if your having a marriage problem go to a marriage counselor, if your having legal troubles or divorce get a lawyer, if your sick go to a Dr., if your having mental health issues go to a psychologist or counselor, but don't go to a drunk for any of these. If you have a problem with booze and your recovery seek a drunk. I did place a lot of faith in a certain people who turned out to be wrong instead of listening to what is important to Rons recovery. Now I listen to the advise given and weigh it accordingly. No different that trusting people, each person has to be weighed accordingly to the level of trust I'm willing to give. It's been a insightful journey yet so far. I will continue to look inward in what needs to be changed in me with a little help from my HP and the fellowship.
