Ok you guys...my mind is a bit in overload and I have really done so much praying today.
I think it is like I heard that this disease doesn't want me sober and it will do anything to derail me. First of all...I don't want to drink and I do not have any desire to drink at all. However, (I am trying to stop using "but", but please don't take away my "however's") that said, I have noticed the closer I get to my anniversary date, the more things keep happening. So I am trying to stay on top of it, by being aware and doing what I have to do to not get suckered into believing the same ole stuff I used to believe which I have already posted about earlier today.
I just wanted to share that when I had only a little more than three months in AA and I didn't have a sponsor, I shared some of my "stuff" when another person in AA who has quite a bit of sobriety years. I was told I could tell this person anything and it wouldn't be shared. Well, so I did. Unfortunately, I recently found out that something I shared did get told. I felt very disappointed and because it was the day something else happened I was questioning AA. (That's my all or nothing, my black and white thinking which sometimes has gotten me in some deep doo-doo.)
I was very upset. As jad has shared, and Mike has shared....."learning lessons" and "learn from it". So, instead of pulling out a soapbox and lecturing about trust I will just say that I hope if someone trusts me enough to share something that is bothering them in or out of the rooms, that I will always be trustworthy and not have the need to share and spread things around. A few months ago, I walked away when someone was telling me something about another in the rooms. I didn't care to hear it, it was none of my business. While the person was in mid-sentence, I took my power back and excused myself. That was months ago and I have never thought of myself as being rude by interrupting and refusing to listen to that person. Trusting others has been a MAJOR issue with me and has led to me drinking more and more. (Not blaming others--I just dealt with it that way). I doubt, besides my sponsor, I will ever feel the need to share anything personal about me again. As they say, "burn me once, etc." I am not angry at this person. I am disappointed. But (oops, another "but"--sorry....) I will never trust this person again with anything personal about me. (And they are probably alot better off anyway...
Sorry for all the postings, guys, and putting up with me....as I said my mind is in overload and all I have gotten done today is praying and reading/posting on this board. Gotta get some work done now to make some money! I better stop flapping my own tongue and get off of here before they have to rename this board the "BTY's It's All About Me Board!!!" .....it's really not about me....really--it's not. I'll continue praying.
I remember I was getting close to my first year anniversary. I had a heard a lot of stories about how people go out right before big anniversaries. That wasn't going to happen to me BTY...I upped my meetings a little...Stayed connected...To AA and God. But most of all....I thought about a share I heard a guy give in a meeting about a month before my one year. He's a good friend. He was talking about what a gift this is God has given us....If we are willing to accept it. Truly a miraculous gift. And for us to give that back?....That would be like slapping God in the face. That was a hard image for me to get out of my mind. Have a good day BTY.....I got three coming up in a little over a month. What a gift.
hi BYT, Just wanted to let you know that a LOT of us feel a bit of extra emotional sensitivity and unpredictability in the days leading up to our AA birthday, especially the first one. It's normal, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It's just a bit of alcoholism, doing what it does.
I remember when I shared every horrid inexcusable thing I'd ever done, and every embarrassing secret that I'd ever had with my sponsor. I didn't hold back. The truth about me was finally out! The truth is, I'd been a fraud and a phony all my life, up to that point! Once the truth had finally been told, I felt like I'd just been released from prison. After I told all those things, a very unexpected thing happened inside me. I felt so glad to be free of the lies, that I didn't care who knew the truth about me. If someone else knew those things about me, I couldn't have cared less. I don't know if it was a "God-Thing", or what. But, it no longer mattered to me if someone found out the truth about me anymore. I felt like no one could hurt me anymore. My biggest fears went away. Well, my biggest fear had always been the truth. But, I'd just told the truth. So, I had nothing to fear anymore.
I'm so glad your still here! I haven't been on the boards for a while as I'm very active in my fellowship and busy. I want you to know your post show so much growth and so much hope for any new person including me! I'm still sober and still not smoking and school is out next week for the summer so I will be back on! BetterThanYesterday your amazing and God is gifting you with an awesome purpose to show people like me that working a program works. Thank you!!!
Keep it up better days are always coming if we stay sober!
Sorry for any spelling issues I'm on my phone heading out to class.
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We all drank and know how to do that. It's living sober that I am learning about.
(((((Lizmccal))))))
...and it is Soooo great to hear from you and hear you are still sober and not smoking (hey, hopefully I'll be off these nasties b/4 long myself). I think about you and others who I haven't seen any postings for awhile and think of you often.
d willing posted the other day, then marie today and now you!!! This is so great!!!!! One of the reasons I've been kind of down is I worry for you guys and a few others on here who are newcomers, as well as some I haven't seen in the meetings I go to. I feel so much better!
It is good to hear from the other responses that I am still "normal" ...well, as normal as an alcoholic can be, I guess. Went to a meeting I wasn't planning on going to, until I went a little downhill emotionally and that helped some. Just in a bit of a funk but that's life.
Love you guys!
Hey Grace... I was told the year anniversary is a squirrely time. Just get back to basics... one day at a time. Everything will be alright. HP has you where he needs you.
