I thought yesterday was just the crappiest day for me. One thing happened which upset me. Then another and I felt depressed and drained most of the day.
When my sponsor made up my list of character defects "angry" was not one of them. I realized today that I needed to add that to my list, as I have other negative character flaws since working that step. I have never really thought of myself as being an "angry" person. I found out that for me to get upset at one thing, remember and bring up other unrelated things from the past and get angrier than I originally was, that I sure must be holding onto a ton of anger. So I added that CD to my list and prayed for its removal and I am going to continue to pray for it everyday. I don't know how long I will do it and don't want to set a time frame to it. I guess I will just see how it goes. I have had a strong desire to look up definitions while I have been sober. It is very strange for me, because I have always been pretty lazy about that kind of thing and satisfied with my current understanding of a word. I looked up "anger" and found it means "a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility." Those were all the emotions I was feeling yesterday and it really sucked being me while I was dealing with them. Who was I hurting? Me...well, also my bf who was on the receiving end of my "annoyance", "displeasure" and certainly the "hostility". What bummed me out so much, I realized, wasn't the actual event which got my angry. It was my anger which got me angry. I was annoyed with myself because of the affect that situation had on me. I had extreme displeasure in myself because I thought by working the steps I'd be all over these emotions and dredging up things from the past to make my argument "weightier". And I was especially hostile not only toward my bf, I was hostile toward myself because I turned it inward and felt guilt and shame by what I did--like I had a little Atari game going on in my head, with all these little "guys" (--my thoughts) running back and forth bombing one another. It was like one side of me was telling myself that I was "right" and wanting to feel justified for being angry. Then the other side of me knew I was behaving in a manner totally opposite of what I have been taught in AA. I was not being the person God wants me to be. As I have thought before, my biggest enemy is myself. Like my sponsor told me "Progress not Perfection". That is such a great thing for me, because I am certainly far off from perfect. (Comforting to know I don't have to feel bad for never reaching "perfection"...and just do the best I can do.)
Thanks to Phil, Stepchild, Pappy and Mike D., who all helped me figure this one out. Phil gave me a virtual kick in the butt, stepchild brought up being grateful for a couple of blessings which just had happened as well as telling me to figure out my CD's and pray for their removal, and Pappy and Phil tried to let me know to keep my own side of the street clean and Mike D. told me to look for a lesson in what happened and that is what happened. Awesome folks I am grateful to "know".
(Oh...and I did make amends to my bf...poor thing, I have a feeling there are more to come. And all he was trying to do was to help a neighbor which is a good thing. I'm buying another broom asap for myself, btw......I'm still a mess!)
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 13th of May 2014 07:57:46 AM
I need to grow in my knowledge of grammar, Pappy, and focus on the the proofing b/4 the posting, though. Oh the typos and dangling participilie thingies!
I tried too hard and expected way too much of myself in a short period of time..and if I didn't meet those expectations? I got down on myself. Depression and Anger.
I didn't Take It Slow And Easy. My mind was still on the fast train....Not as fast as it WAS...but still rolling down the tracks WAY TOO FAST...I had to get off of it..so this is what I did.
I slowed things down....and accepted that I had a lifetime to practice this stuff and would never be perfect at it.
We are not punished for our anger; we are punished by our anger. I remember the day I could have written your post...but things have changed and so, apparently, have you. The realizations you expressed in the post are life-changing.
It's such a wonderful thing to watch you grow spiritually. That's the greatest thing about the A.A. Fellowship -- we all get to grow together, and support each other. One thing I know is that I'm still "Under Construction".....and I always will be.
Steps 10 through 12....What the early AA's called the construction and maintenance steps. Building and maintaining a new life. You got some great building going on there BTY...It's beautiful to watch.
