Long story...I am still with my second wife I dearly love...the feeling is just not mutual now.
I went to detox, which was more boring than anything, but I got clean. My wife and I hit another rough patch and though I am doing better, I started to hit the bottle again.
I know my trigger. It is her and stress and yelling at me. If those things were resolved and had her support, I could deal with the shakes for a couple of days. Just sweat it out and get through it and hope you don't have a heart attack or stroke and by the third day you a fine.
God has gifted me with compassion, a pretty smart brain...But as smart as I may be or what they tell me I am, I cannot figure this one out.
I am making calls to prove cancer from six years ago and they think it is back. Freelancing to make ends meet and trying to be the dad my kids excpect. Dealing with a woman of eight plus years that gives me zero support.
Hell...it is no reason I still have not kicked the habit.
Likely a few resentments on your wifes part..re alcohol? that aren't going to improve until you are sober and stay sober :)
Which is something Ive tried on my own..but failed miserably at..as smart as I was..
So...I go to AA meetings on a regular basis...where I can identify with others that are trying to arrest this disease..one day at a time..and we do it together..
We share our experience strength and hope with each other..
I think that you can figure out..whats going to happen if you KEEP drinking...wont be pretty
The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book is online...It will help you get some insight into whats going on..
Hello Kodi and welcome to the board. We all have our challenges and wreckage of the past. None of those change our circumstances with alcohol.
It's a disease that will kill us slowly, after isolating us from everything we hold dear, beating us down. It's a horrible process and a very ugly and painful way to die. Take all those conditions that you mentioned and set them aside, as you deal with your disease of alcoholism. Get thoroughly honest about it and your future, get a sponsor, attend meetings daily, work the steps, and get healthy. I had to get out of a disfunctional marriage so I could focus on myself, get sober, and it worked. There was no reconciliation but wife #2, of 21 years was/is awesome.
I know my trigger. It is her and stress and yelling at me. If those things were resolved and had her support, I could deal with the shakes for a couple of days. Just sweat it out and get through it and hope you don't have a heart attack or stroke and by the third day you a fine.
Welcome Kodi.....You sound a lot like I did. This was everybody else's fault but my own. I had to get honest with myself about a few things before I could even start trying to solve my problem. One...That I was alcoholic...And two...that I was hopeless trying to solve this problem on my own will power. Once I did that it was just a matter of listening to...And following suggestions from those who had recovered. Something I'd never done before.
The "trigger" is a giant excuse. Have you ever considered that your drinking "triggers" her yelling and her stress? I'm saying this with all the love in the world, but I'm saying it because your alcohol wants you to cling to excuses to drink. To hell with that. Stay sober and work this program to save your life! When you have cirrhosis are you going to blame it on your nagging wife that you didn't get in recovery and stick with it? Have you been to AA or only detox? I can't tell from your share. If you do not follow up your stopping drinking with some form of recovery (and AA has been what has worked for all of us here), your disease will kick your ass back into suffering, self pity, and blaming others every time. Through AA, I found support from my fellows, then from my higher power. I realized I was being codependent and full of excuses when I thought other people and my romantic partners were to blame for my drinking. More than likely, if you had her support in the way you describe - You would just keep drinking. How much do you really want her to accept and understand your alcoholism? That's not her job. That's your job to understand it and accept it for what it truly is. Please, dive into AA full force with a sponsor, step work, and lots of meetings. That is truly what saved my life. I pray you do this and stop looking at your wife as the problem. If it really is that big of a hindrance, separate. I know it's not easy but it's worth it to get sober. Trust me. I also left a toxic relationship to get sober because it was that important. There are other women out there. Heck, your wife could up an leave you at any time also. Then you'd just be stuck with the bottle and make some new excuse (likely being lonely and grieving).
ALCOHOLISM is what has you unable to sustain a healthy relationship or move on from the sick one you are in. It is not the other way around. Believe me. Once you get sober, you will have choices you never dreamed possible and you will never be so literally dependent on a spouse or partner for your health, mental, and spiritual functioning. Focus on the solution to your alcoholism so everything else will slowly get better (maybe not in the ways you intend or not instantly). Try not to focus on what needs to happen outside of yourself in order for your alcoholism to go into remission because then your sobriety will always be contingent upon other people and things.
Please keep posting and we are all rooting for you! You are not alone and we are here for you. I will even PM you my phone # if you need someone to talk to more.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"Long story...I am still with my second wife I dearly love...the feeling is just not mutual now."
(Your wife may still love you. I thought people in my family didn't love me anymore because they weren't treating me the way I thought they should when I was still drinking. It is hard to be nice and loving to a family member or friend who is drunk and has behavior patterns which are not understood by people who are not alcoholic.)
"I went to detox, which was more boring than anything, but I got clean. My wife and I hit another rough patch and though I am doing better, I started to hit the bottle again."
(I have never been to detox and cannot imagine it being very exciting. I have heard many shares from people who have been through detox/rehabs several times and they were not able to successfully quit drinking long term until they started AA and worked the program.)
"I know my trigger. It is her and stress and yelling at me. If those things were resolved and had her support, I could deal with the shakes for a couple of days. Just sweat it out and get through it and hope you don't have a heart attack or stroke and by the third day you a fine."
(We all have triggers--stressers in life. For alcoholics it is dealing with those things in a healthier sober manner which will be the most benefit to us. I used to think "if only....." so many times and used other people and their behaviors as excuses to continue drinking. What I didn't want to believe was that most of the behaviors of others were caused by my drinking. I got yelled at too----because I was drinking so much. It was when I took responsibility for myself and my drinking, and stopped blaming others for causing me to drink, that the relationships had a chance to improve.)
"God has gifted me with compassion, a pretty smart brain...But as smart as I may be or what they tell me I am, I cannot figure this one out. "
(You believe in God so you already have the "Higher Power" part down, which some alcoholics struggle with and use as an excuse not to participate or stay in AA. Alcoholism does not randomly pick only the less intelligent folks--it is non-discriminatory. Vincent Van Gogh, Winston Churchill and many other people who are considered genius' were alcoholics who struggled for years with their addictions.)
"I am making calls to prove cancer from six years ago and they think it is back. Freelancing to make ends meet and trying to be the dad my kids excpect. Dealing with a woman of eight plus years that gives me zero support."
(I am sorry about your cancer possibly coming back. When you cease drinking, that will probably be the best thing you can do for yourself to help you recover, because excessive drinking wreaks havoc on our bodies. If you want to be the best dad you can be to your kids is to stop drinking. Kids don't want or need a drunk for a parent. There is nothing fair about it and it can destroy their lives as well as your own. My dad died of his alcoholism. Although he worked throughout it until a very few years before his life, he wasn't fully "there" emotionally for us, as I wasn't fully there for my own child. As far as your wife not supporting you....it is so much harder to support an alcoholic who continues to drink. It is unfair of us to expect that. That is going back to the "if only's" and I did that too where I was thinking to myself so many times...."Well, maybe I could stop drinking if only my husband, child, mom, etc. was more supportive and understood me better and had sympathy for my drinking." Biggest lie I ever told myself and I used it as an excuse to continue to drink. After I did get serious, stop drinking, and started AA and worked the steps, did I receive the support I desperately craved. My daughter still doesn't have much to do with me, however, in the few emails I have received she is very happy that I stopped drinking and am getting help. I hope that it doesn't reach the point where you lose your marriage (like I did) and your kids do not want to see you (I haven't seen my kid in 6 years--I've been sober for almost a year--did too much damage with my drinking and am hoping she will want me in her life again).
"Hell...it is no reason I still have not kicked the habit."
(You are right however, it doesn't sound like you are totally convinced about that from your previous statements. I wish you the best of luck. There are no quick fixes when it comes to getting off the drink, however, I made it so much harder than it really is, because I made alcohol #1 in my life instead of my relationships, emotional stability and my life. I just had to change my priorities. AA is working for me and saved my life. It can yours too. )
Long story...I am still with my second wife I dearly love...the feeling is just not mutual now.
I went to detox, which was more boring than anything, but I got clean. My wife and I hit another rough patch and though I am doing better, I started to hit the bottle again.
I know my trigger. It is her and stress and yelling at me. If those things were resolved and had her support, I could deal with the shakes for a couple of days. Just sweat it out and get through it and hope you don't have a heart attack or stroke and by the third day you a fine.
God has gifted me with compassion, a pretty smart brain...But as smart as I may be or what they tell me I am, I cannot figure this one out.
I am making calls to prove cancer from six years ago and they think it is back. Freelancing to make ends meet and trying to be the dad my kids excpect. Dealing with a woman of eight plus years that gives me zero support.
Hell...it is no reason I still have not kicked the habit.
Welcome to MIP Kodi, ... glad you found us ...
You have to understand you need to decide to get sober for yourself, not someone else ... and I've been told that most alcoholics have an 'above average' I.Q. ... as smart as I am, I could not fix myself either ... I always hated asking for help, but finely conceded to the fact I needed the giving folks of AA to get well ... it worked for me ...
I am a cancer survivor too ... thank God it was 'operable' and hasn't returned ...
Talking about support, you're looking in the wrong place ... your wife may, or may not, ever support your efforts to stay sober, but I know where you can find all the 'support' you can handle ... it's here AND in the rooms of AA ... it's how this whole thingy works ... we support each other, or rather 'love' each other till we learn to love ourselves in sobriety ... you are not experiencing anything that most of us haven't already gone through ... you ... simply need to make up your mind if you really WANT sobriety or not ... we can't make that decision for you ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Kodi
My wife never provided me with emotional support while getting sober still doesn't provide it. She had her own mental health issues that triggered me big time every once in a while. We are currently seperated possibly getting a divorce. I'm not living at home. The past 18months has been very rough at times. I'm losing my house and in debt over my head. The depression and anxiety I have suffered has and is debilitating. I'm 18 months sober and didn't drink through it. I have all this chaos going on and had million reasons to drink. In fact my sponser can't believe I'm still sober and if I had drank he would understand. But for me to drink is to die. Drinking ain't gonna change a thing except drown the reality of it. For me to stay sober I had to not drink, go to meetings, get a sponser and call the sponser. Thinks changed for me when I started to work the steps with a sponser. I didn't get sober to be miserable. Life sometimes stinks but I had to accept life on life's terms or I could find no peace. I'm sober and losing things I never wanted to lose and it's been painful. But I never once wanted to drink. I got sober for me not anyone else. It does get better. Get names and numbers and call those people when you have those problems going on in your personal life before you pick up the drink. What you gotta understand is that you currently have no rights in your marriage. Your drinking caused a lot of damage over the years. It's a healing process not a fixing process and it's gonna take time. Keep the focus on you and encourage your wife to go to al anon maybe. She has to recover as well since she is sick also. Try to see it from her eyes do you think you would be so quick to be supportive and forgiving overnight or in two weeks if the roles were reversed. I know myself I would have been out the door a long time ago and it's s miracle we are still hangin on by a thread and that she still talks to me. Not saying it's gonna be easy cause it isn't. Think positive u are sober today and your wife hasn't left you. Things could be worse. I have all this stuff going on with me but I'm actually serene on the inside. Keep reaching out we have all been there. Take it easy. Be kind to yourself. I will love you for now of you can't. Keep coming back. Ron
Aloha Kodi welcome to the board and you have received all of the best Experience, Strength and Hope a willing alcoholic needs to get and stay sober...willing is a major attitude cause if you are not then any resentment can work to justify the next drinking. There is only one reason not to drink the other members here have stated it...you get to get your real life back. In support with the rest of this MIP family...keep coming back.
