I am planning on going to see my mom. It has been at least four years since I have seen her. When I was drinking I always thought about seeing her, however, I couldn't take the lectures I would get about my drinking. I called her sometimes (she never called me because either she was protecting herself or the charge of the call--as she didn't have free calls like I did) and I would always second guess her words--even when they were unrelated to alcohol. My thoughts had been poisoned by alcohol and I was extremely suspicious and paranoid and "made" things up in my head about people's intentions. I became a Kreskin, and thought I could read minds. If I ever second guessed my own thoughts and intentions, it was rare, because my thoughts were always justified and right! I have noticed the past several times I have had conversations with my mom (and others for that matter), my mind doesn't go there and I listen to her words without judgement and fear.
I look forward to seeing my mom. She is 78 and I love her dearly, and have shown it little over the years since my drinking got out of control. I regret not seeing her and being there for her on Christmas, birthdays (her birthday is Christmas day...), Mother's Day and other special occasions. My sister has nothing to do with my mom and my mom has said that is alright with her. My brother and his family hardly visit her and the times she has been invited to their home over the years, is when they needed a baby sitter for Christmas or Easter break. I feel like it was up to me to make up and pick up the the slack and I was unable to do so because of my drinking and the selfishness of my part as a result. I have been feeling so much guilt because of this. I am trying to realize I cannot undo the past. I can choose to live in the present and be the best child I can be to my mom and that is only possible when I do two things....stay sober and be the best child of God I can be. If I do these two things, then not only will the relationship I have with my mom be better and stronger, all of my relationships with other people will be likewise.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 8th of May 2014 08:39:37 AM
I know what your talking about. My Mom is a very active drinker. She gets worse every month. I can't even have a conversation with her without the disease in full blown action even if she is sober. I get along with her worse now that I'm sober. I see the disease in her. She is my qualifier. I get sucked in every time into the drink every time. Its like a black hole. I find it best to avoid her and if the conversation goes sour just to say Mom i gotta go call you back. She causes so much disruption with the family and I'm not even in my house anymore but still hear about it. Best for me to avoid her because she triggers all the anxiety and stress in me. I know this is being healthy and true to myself. I can't surround myself with unhealthy people. On another note I have two court dates next week and hope everything works out. Started a new job which is double the money and the best schedule one could ask for. God just put it in my lap. There was no effort on my part i just had to show up. I'm looking foward to finding a new place to live so its a fresh start with no bad memmories or holes in the walls. New furniture ect. A place for my kids to stay when they want to. Just to trying to keep it in today though. Trying to stay positive and let go let God.
I would have an extremely difficult time being around any alcoholics now--even people who are not alcoholic and drinking. I posted on here about a 12th Step call I made and I was around someone who was very intoxicated. The obnoxiousness, the sarcasm and derogatory comments in addition to the stumbling, slurred speech and exaggerated gestures and inappropriate remarks--well, I was wanting to help this person, however, until she is ready to stop drinking there is nothing I can do.
I hope your new life and surroundings --(job, home, etc.) bring you the peace and comfort you need right now.
I was just wondering, have you made your 9th Step amends to your mom yet? If not, would this be a good opportunity to repair all the damage, harm, and heartache that your drinking caused her over the years? Maybe you've done this already....I don't know. But, it could be a healing-moment for both of you. Just asking.
Hi Mike... I did do amends through a letter. I will be doing a more thorough amends face-to-face when I see her because I thought of more crap after I sent it. When I was writing it, I am afraid that I had the "well, if only's" in my head. I think although I did my resentments, when I was writing it, I was having trouble letting go of stuff. This "stuff" hasn't really bothered me as much since then and I owe it to giving it to God and lots more prayer. I have heard face-to-face is better when we are able to do it that way. I am hoping it will help both of us heal.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 9th of May 2014 08:06:19 AM
I cannot undo the past. I can choose to live in the present and be the best child I can be to my mom and that is only possible when I do two things....stay sober and be the best child of God I can be.
You know what BTY?.....When I read your post...I was thinking the same thing as Mike D. What a perfect time to do your 9th step with your mom. And you don't need to say anything more than what you so beautifully said right there. And let God take care of the rest.
Yeah, and I am not even afraid of talking to her and bringing up all the crap. Amazing, this God stuff. (Don't mean to sound disrespect at all, just like I said--amazed.)
You don't have to go digging a lot of things up BTY....I'm sure she knows. This step for me was more about what I could do to make matters right....Staying sober and being a better son...Which coincidentally...Is happening as a result of staying sober and living steps 10 through 12 the best I can everyday. I didn't look at this step as rehashing my fourth step with my mom...I took care of that with God....my sponsor and steps 5 through 7. One thing I found is it can be a good time to just humbly sit back and listen...If they want to bring things up...Let em go.... Good lesson in humility. But this is more about...As they put it in the book...
At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
BB pg 77
Becoming spiritually fit BTY....Righting our past wrongs...And the best way we can do that....Better than any words will ever do....Is staying sober and living God's will.....One day at a time.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 10th of May 2014 05:38:51 PM
One other thing BTY...I also found out working this step...Most people don't want to go over all your wrongs with you....They're more interested in the restitution. You may even come to find out they are happy for you. You never know what God has in store for you.
