How do you all handle a resentment that is justified and of no fault of the sponsee? Such as an verbally abusive, degrading mother? Or the case of a step father who physically molests the sponsee and a mother who turns a blind eye. These are currently two sponsee situations I am dealing with.
I have been encouraging forgiveness and we have been praying for forgiveness. What am I missing?
When I was working my 4th Step with my sponsor, I was kind of embarrassed because I could not figure out for the life of me where I had anything to do and my part in a couple of my resentments. It was related to what you described.... So I had written in "I have no idea" because that was me being honest. When I discussed these resentments with my sponsor I was told that sometimes there are resentments where we are not to blame for what happened to us. That made me feel a huge sense of relief because I sure didn't need to feel guilty for yet something else, and certainly not something which happened to me because of someone else's sick mind and perverted actions.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 05:29:34 PM
There are other 12 step groups for those issues which augment their program. Aa is not for all issues and doesn't claim to be. I had outside issues and work the appropriate programs for them. I was told to get sobriety down first for the first year... then look into the rest. I'm glad I did. Aa alone would not have been enough. Stuffing can't work forever.
I would like to add that I do not have anymore resentments for any of the things on my list. It is amazing that some of them came into my mind all of the time and there are days now I do not think of them. I am not sure if the pain goes away, however, even that is not as bad since I have worked the steps. I gave all that crap over to God. Again... the power of prayer as well as forgiveness. I cannot expect to be forgiven if I do not forgive others.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 7th of May 2014 06:27:11 PM
I get rid of the justification because that is the barb on the fishing hook in my finger (metaphor). When I try to pull out the hook the barb attempts to hold it there and causes pain as I try to pull out the hook. If it wasn't there I'd feel little pain retracting the hook. ((((hugs))))
As a counselor, I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard things like that. Worse things in fact - like "My dad, uncle, and all my brothers molested me", "My dad burned me with cigarettes" and even 1 time "My father shot and killed my mother and is now in prison for life." I had a client that survived a massacre that occurred on a military base and had PTSD from that....
No matter what, we all have a some choice whether or not to switch into being a survivor or an ongoing victim. I don't tell people "Stop playing victim!!!" because those folks actually were victims. But, they have some choice in whether or not to stay in a victim mentality or not. A victim mentality suggests ongoing helplessness and an inability to receive blessings, abundance, and also to produce desired outcomes in life. Survivors are strong, resilient, and can help others through their pain.
So...I would have the sponsee focus on how they can turn the pain and resentment into strength and wisdom. Yeah, it's a justifiable resentment, but one that can motivate you to help other survivors. Just telling the sponsee, that "Every time you tell your story or share that you got sober from having this background, it could inspire someone else who things their life has been too messed up or they are too broken to heal." "Your HP didn't want those things to happen to you, but your HP does want to give you the strength to help others by being an example and receiving his grace."
Also, like others suggested, the sponsee will often be able to tell you how the abusive parent or other victimizer shaped them to have distorted views of others and then damaged relationships from that point on. Again, I wouldn't point the finger and say "See this is where you messed up" but more like "It's totally understandably that you've had problems trusting people since that point, but how is that suiting you now?" Hence, it's not just praying for the person, for forgiveness, but also praying to see how to see people differently, praying to be able to trust and praying for the damage to go away rather than maladaptively continuing to base your life on it. THAT is really what change and humbly asking for character defect to be removed is. It's willing to not be shaped and have messed up relationships and views of the world based upon our pasts.
Some of this may be treading too much on therapy and obviously, that would be a recommendation I would make to a sponsee with a serious trauma history too. That's not something I would say is an "outside issue" because it's not. The amount of people, especially women that come into AA with trauma histories is more prevalent than not, so your answer probably should not be "Oh go see a therapist about that. That's an outside issue." That will make them feel like a freak and it will reinforce the "terminal uniqueness" they might have along the lines of "My problems are so bad and worse than everyone's....even my sponsor can't stand to hear about them."
More than anything, this is my suggestion to you: Pray to your HP for how to best help this person within appropriate boundaries (not to be their savior) and just let it rip and do your best, then let it go. Don't take on the pain of your sponsees. Just focus on being part of the solution.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
pinkchip...wonderful response and I found myself wishing our paths had crossed and I had seen you as a therapist, instead of some of the bozos i had commenting on my attractiveness or other insignificant things unrelated to what I went through or just sit there and ask me the typical canned therapy response...."...and how did that make you feel?" without having much at all to say after I told them.
Rubytues....that is great to use and I will do so on any resentments I come up with in the future that I have held onto or am holding onto.
Jerry...as a fisherwoman, I will remember that....especially when I had that happen to me, except that my dad hooked my face. Funny how he thought his line was in the water after he cast it. He was sitting there in the boat we shared just waiting for a big one to come along. (He was an alcoholic, too, and had had a lot to drink.) I told him, "Dad you caught my face." He went into panic mode and was more upset than I was when he saw the hook in my face. He was able to pull it out, fortunately for me, and he did catch a "big one"!
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 8th of May 2014 07:57:34 AM
I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to thank everyone for the post and responses. This is real life stuff- unfornately, it happens all to often. I'm grateful that WE have a HP, Program and Fellowship to help us work through issues like this.
That's a great post PC....Spot on. If you look at the directions for the fourth step...This prayer should be said for...And mean it....everyone on our resentment list before we even start our fourth column.
We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Once we've gone through the list and prayed for each one....It goes on to say...We disregard the other person completely. Where was our fault in this? Not our part. Give an alkie a chance to admit his part and it will be just a tiny sliver of the pie.
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
BB pg 66-67
I don't have experience with this...But I was blessed to talk with an oldtimer friend not long ago about this very subject. He was molested as a kid. He explained to me how he used that victim role to justify his anger...His dishonesty...Getting into fights and in trouble with the law..Basically used it for all the wrong reasons....As he put it to me...He was just a drunk prick....And he played the victim card for all it was worth. He told me it took a lot of prayer to get over those resentments.....But he did heal with time. He used the fourth step prayer (Above) as well as this... He told me it took a little longer than two weeks....I believe that.
If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent you will be free.
If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.
Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.
Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.
Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
From an AA member's story, "Freedom from Bondage" page 552 of the Big Book. Alcoholics Anaonymous
On a side note....They talk about the wrongs done by others...Fancied or real....Have the power to kill. It doesn't get any more real than that. A child is defenseless there. It's the reactions they take with them through life...That need to be looked at.
He told me a story about an older guy that attended a meeting he went to. This guy wasn't to well off and he saved and saved his money till one day he showed up at the meeting in a brand new car. Everyone had to go out and see it. He was so proud. He had the car about two weeks and one morning he went out to find that someone had scratched and dented one side of his car with some kind of tool or something. When he came to the meeting...And people saw his car...They all felt terrible for the guy.
But when he shared that day...He actually had tears in his eyes....And he shared how bad he felt for the person who did it...How sick they must be....And how he wished he could be of some kind of help to him. I guess that's what we strive for. Spiritual progress...Not perfection....That's pretty damn close.
What an amazing group you are and what wonderful suggestions and guidance you have given me. Thank you all very much. I'm so glad I came here for help. Blessings to you all.
I would recommend a good therapist in addition to my A.A. routine. They have the expertise to deal with delicate situations as these, we don't. I hope they get the help they need.
Step child's suggestion of prayer doesn't always work in the way described, but it always works. Sometimes the resentment is healed, other times the answer to our prayers is that we must take some action. In one such case for me the answer was to make amends for my part, but in another , such as described, the answer may be to make use of the wonderful professionals available these days.
The one thing we can't do is live with it. Resentments like this have the power to kill. We must take some action.
There is a book called The Shack that Pappy put me onto. It was a huge help to me in understanding forgiveness. Just as hate destroys the hater, so does forgiveness heal the forgiver. The question of contrition on the part of the offender is another matter. Just because we have forgiven someone does not mean we should trust them again. There needs to be solid contrition, such as an alcoholic might show in his 9th step, before there is any possibility of reconciliation.
In the context of step four, hopefully they will see how this resentment, justified or not, is a key factor in their inability to stop drinking. It actually gives the offender the power to keep them drunk.
God bless MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Wednesday 14th of May 2014 02:00:43 AM
