So it's quarter to two and I'm wide awake. I've tossed and turned in bed since eleven and slept maybe an hour or two tops.
I need to set off for Yorkshire in five hours, 180 miles.
Mum knows her kids better than we thought, she's planned her own funeral to the last dot and comma, no room for egos there.
Leaving mum's house at one pm in hearse and two limos. I'm part of the pallbearer party, the others are three grandsons, a son in law and one of the grandson's friends. we'll carry her into and out of the church. Am I worried...a little bit. She's chosen the hymns and she'll be piped in to flower of Scotland and piped out to flowers of the forest.
Then a trip to the crematorium, strange how we use a Latin /roman sounding word, another hymn and then 'wish me luck as you wave me goodbye' as the curtains close.
Then a funeral tea in a pub, I'll leave at six though. I'm going down to my sponsor's home group in Barnsley and staying with him for a couple of days.
Am I anxious? Just a little. My son and daughter are going to the funeral, they have told my older brother they won't acknowledge me, that'll be hard but that's still part of my on going amends, to stay out of their lives. I'm worried that my son might insist on being part of the coffin carry party. If that's the case I'll stand down, give him my place.
I'm worried that I'll somehow not cope with the emotion of the day.
My sponsor may coming. A work friend is coming from Swansea, both just to support me. I'm almost speechless that Chris has chosen to drive for six hours to attend this funeral. I'll meet him at eleven tomorrow to use his hotel room to put my suit on.
The fellowship has once again gathered me into their bosom, the level of support since mum died takes my breath away. Good things have happened. I've picked up a sponsee and I'm looking after his dog for a while. People are calling me, texting me, talking with me, listening to me,
I've shared, I've listened, I've been asked to table share and done it. It has helped me to stay stable. Stay sane. In safety, one to one, I've been able tyrant and rave about how some of my family have been behaving and get to the point of realising it's none of my damn business.
I table shared tonight. My experience, strength and hope. There were many people there who had buried their mums both in drink and in sobriety. I didn't say anything special, just how it was, what I did and how it is now. My sponsee was there, as was his mum, his cousin and his cousins son. They're all away to another cousins funeral on Thursday, they all said that my share helped. My sponsee's mum chaired me. I was so wrapped up in my own situation that I'd forgotten about this event.
When my sponsee said him and Skye (his dog, who's living with me for a bit) will have me in their thoughts today, I knew he meant it and I'll have him and his in mine on Thursday.
And so, here I am. I am grateful that I have the fellowship around me and that I can contribute to it. At my dad's funeral I was a drunken arsehole and drank on it for years afterwards. I will be different this time.
I never thought I'd ever say this, but I'm damn glad I discovered that I'm an alcoholic. Without this path, I wouldn't have anyone that I can turn to for help.
I went to bed sober last night. I woke up sober today. I'll get to bed sober tonight. That's all that matters today.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 08:20:20 PM
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hi Bill,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and may your Higher Power continue to comfort you and give you strength during this time. I know it's been difficult for you and your determination to stay sober is an inspiration to others. (I hope that you are able to get some sleep before your drive. Maybe a cup of chamomile tea or warm milk may help you.)
BTY
Sorry to hear of your loss Bill! Nice to see the Spirit of the Fellowship holding you up during this tough time. God's all around you because you've availed yourself to him. Thought and Prayers sent your way Brother.
Just about dead on my feet.
In bed at my sponsor's house. JC, my sponsor came to the funeral. An old friend from work drove seven hours each way just for the church service. Both of them to help me. I'm humbled by this.
the funeral went well. As I said mum had itall planned out. The florist cocked up my wreath but it doesn't matter. The vicar got my mum's dob wrong but that doesn't matter.
my neice in dubai sent a beautiful eulogy to be read out.
we carried mum in and out of the church. She was piped in and out. We carried her to the crem. I was glad to be able to do it.
My kids came. They'd passed a message that they didn't want me to approach or acknowledge them. That'd be hard to do with a shoulder full of coffin, but I'm glad they came.
I've been bombarded with messages of support. I asked jc to come to the crem with us even though it was family only, because he's more family to me than my blood.
I'm glad I got through it, sober. I went to my dad's grave and promised him I'd do better for mum than I did for him. I think I managed that. Homeward bound tomorrow via leyburn meeting.
Thank you for your support from way over there.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I came to this posting to see how you are doing Bill, and I am glad you are alright. I am sorry about your kids. Hopefully they will come around. I have an issue with that myself as my daughter has not wanted to see me...going on six years now. I know how much it hurts. I cannot imagine being that close to her, as you were your kids and especially at your mum's funeral, and not being able to be with her.
It is amazing to me that the longer I am in this program and hearing about what sponsers and friends in AA have done to help other alcoholics. I feel like some of the people I met are more like family to me, too. I am grateful and thank God for them.
BTY
