In a Family Intensive Retreat in my home, a girl called her sister stupid. I am stupid too! I declared happily, I poured my juice in the sink and washed the cup...instead of drinking it. And grandpa is stupid, and Beethoven is stupid and... Soon we were singing I am stupid, you are stupid, they are stupid, we are stupid, while clapping and adding melody to our exciting chant. The children started sharing their own stupid moments and their parents and I had plenty of evidence of our own.     

Two months later, the mother of these girls reported in a phone session, Mia complains that she cannot hurt Iris any more because whatever she says doesnt seem to bother her sister. The girls relationship has dramatically improved. Instead of teaching fear of words, they learned to be powerful, humourous and compassionate.

Some parents worry that this means raising insensitive people. Yet, being defensive of ones own image is not the same as being sensitive. On the contrary, notice that the less you are focused on yourself in defense of your image, the more you can stay connected (sensitive to the other person) and emotionally present. It is when we resist that we harden up and disconnect.

Finding my own stupidity or other weaknesses is being fully aware and not at war with who I am. I can be vulnerable; by not focusing on myself I can listen and be sensitive to the other person. I embrace my qualities and feel close to the person who sees these qualities in me. We are both seeing my stupidity. We are united and often laugh with relief and recognition of our humanity.

The fear of being hurt
Children are people. They join a life that has pain as part of its curriculum. The more we are at peace with their varied experiences the more they will feel capable of going through them. When feeling worthy, they will actually not feel hurt by words, because they do not doubt their own worth even when someone else does.
Can you imagine not being hurt no matter what someone says about you?  Even better, being ecstatic about anything they say? Can you imagine your child staying connected to herself in the face of judgment, knowing she isnt really stupid, or, finding her own occasional stupidity lovable and laughable?
Wouldnt such freedom be appealing? Such confidence does not mean passivity nor surrender; instead it means action from a powerful place of love rather than fear, peace rather than war. Notice how loving you can be when your confidence is unshakable; you can hear someones rage and you become a true listener.

Without Blinking An Eye:
There is an old Zen story which demonstrates this powerful emotional skill: A warrior came to a temple seeking the old Zen master who stayed at the temple after all the villagers fled in fear. When the warrior did not encounter the submissiveness to which he was accustomed, he was enraged. You fool, he shouted as he reached for his sword, dont you realise you are standing before a man who could run you through without blinking an eye!?
The master seemed unmoved. And do you realise, the master replied calmly, that you are standing before a man who can be run through without blinking an eye?

I will let an eight-year-old child demonstrate how much kinder it is to let the sword run through than to resist it. When she realised it, she could take put-down without blinking an eye and even look forward to them:

Lornas phone session:
Lorna (8): I am upset. The phone rang and I went to see the caller I.D. and I read it out loud and I read it all wrong. My older sister, Vicky, heard me and said, your reading sucks.  I am very upset and angry. I raged at her.
I said: Lorna, lets explore what actually happened. So, Vicky said your reading sucks and what happened out of that?
Out of that I was very upset.
And did anything else happen not in your mind? something I could video?
No. Nothing happened.
Thats good to know. So nothing happened. You are still breathing, reading as well as you do, and living in your home.
Yes.
So something happened only in your mind?
Yes. Anger inside my head.
Why
Because she shouldnt say that my reading sucks.
Are you sure that she shouldnt?
(With a crack of laughter) Yes.
Can you really know that she shouldnt have said that?
No.
Because she did say it.
aha.
And, how do you feel when you believe that she shouldnt say it and she does?
Very very angry.
What did it mean to you?
That my reading sucks.
And is that true?
Yes.
Good, so she told the truth. Now you both know the truth about your reading, and you are learning and improving right?
Yes. (Laughing out loud).
So do you need your sister not to tell you that your reading sucks?
No. She can tell me whatever she wants.
As if she asks for your permission.
(Laughing) I know. And I can say whatever I want.
Wow Lorna, thats as clear as it gets. You are in charge of no one but you.

At this point Lorna was ecstatic, and without my prompting she added:

I cant wait till she says something like this again!

When asked What is your secret for happiness, the spiritual philosopher J. Krishnamurti said, I dont mind what happens. Can you imagine the joy of welcoming life and of being able to see that every sword is an opportunity to connect and to grow in emotional strength and wisdom? Lorna questioned her own beliefs and found that her sisters words could not hurt her at all.

Children are born unable to be hurt by words
We teach children to get hurt by words and to depend on approval. We teach it by modeling, and by putting achievement in the spot light. We teach it by praising and evaluating and telling them that certain words hurt. When we do so, we give them power over each other, causing strife and hurt.

Lorna doesnt need her sisters approval and is pleased with her own progress in reading. It is the thought that her sister shouldnt have mentioned it that lead to Lornas rage. She learned from adults to resent or fear judgment. In reality, no word can hurt you because thoughts sometimes fit your perception and sometimes not: Yes, I am stupid, sometimes, and no I am not stupid in general or at other times. Yes, I am greedy, and yes I am generous. Finding all the qualities inside, I cannot be hurt when a voice point those out.

As a free and peaceful Lorna, the original conversation would have gone like this:
Vicky - Your reading sucks
Lorna - Yes, I know (likely laughing.)

Both girls would likely be laughing and maybe repeating the funny wrong reading or figuring it out right.
    
Start with you
Forgive yourself for teaching your child to depend on approval. It is a beginning for all of us all the time. We are learning. Start noticing when you yourself lose freedom for the sake of seeking approval. Work on your own emotional freedom. Raising children requires that we raise ourselves. Try a new strategy: When you are being criticised, instead of going to war by defending yourself, find the grain of truth in what is being said and stay peaceful and connected. In the rare instance that you cannot find even a morsel of truth, listen to what the other person is perceiving so you can stay connected. Her/his experience is worthy of care and love.

Model to your child that no one has to be flawless. Yes, what I did was stupid, Yes, I was stingy with you, Yes, I was lazy, Yes, I didnt do what I said I would, and so on. Learn together with your children that all verbal swords are illusions. Seeing them for their truth, they are gifts. This does not mean that we do whatever someone says we should. On the contrary; unthreatened you stay autonomous and you dont follow others ideas without your own approval.

When we can hear each other with joy, we bring peace to our relationships. No victims, no bullies; the ammunition (bad words)  becomes obsolete. And, notice that when the ammunition has no power, it vanishes. You find that your child will speak kindly not because she obeys you, but because she has no need to do otherwise and she stays connected to her own good nature.

Not being hurt does not mean becoming a doormat. On the contrary, you stay unmoved, like the Zen master; connected to yourself and grateful for what is being said.