Phil already got this started (and Tasha too in here thread) but I wanted to open up the thread for Enigma and others going through these problems, but also because this is sooooo common and I can think of like 5 members on this board that have similar stories that might not have caught on to the theme just by the title of the thread. So please share what happened with your relationships when you got sober or what happened to your relationships so you could stay sober.
My story, I was in a relationships with another dysfunctional drunk. There was no getting sober until that relationship ended. I tried and even quit 4 months on my own. My partner told me things like "AA is for amateurs" and "All they do is bitch and wine there and it gets old." All our activities were pretty much based around drinking. Towards the end, we both had serious medical and mental health complications from the amount of drinking. We collectively crashed 3 cars within a mile of our home. Our arguing was starting to turn violent. He got locked on the loony bin for a period for trying to kill himself. Finally, it became clear that the only was I was going to make changes that were going to last, was if I left. It was also at a level of crazy and unmanageable that was so obvious...I had to get away and start a new life to sober up. So I did....after 7 years together and having moved across country where none of my family was. And I went to an AA meeting the next day. This also coincided with me crashing my car drunk. So I ended that relationship, got my own place and put all my faith in AA.... Have not drank since.
NOW - I was so lonely and used to being in a relationship that I started dating someone by 2 and a half months sober. That relationship was a giant joke cuz I was so needy. The person lied, cheated, and I believed anything. He even slept with my sponsor's roommate and my sponsor told me that and I still didn't want to believe it. I think I wanted a nondrinking person to validate and "be there" for me so bad, I was trying to force something that was not right and was never gonna happen. I still went to meetings, worked steps as best I could, did fellowship. This new relationship never progressed though it last a year..as big a liar and cheat as he was, I am blessed he didn't let me just move in cuz I probably would have. That is what I did. That was my typical pattern of codependency. I used people just like booze. I didn't know how to make myself feel good and I still didn't know who I was on my own.
Eventually, I made enough progress in AA to let that go to and be on my own. Coincidentally. I was about 1 year and 5 months sober then. It was the next year by myself that I REALLY grew and changed. I really did much of the work I'd distracted myself from with that dumb relationship. I could have and should have done it sooner had I not been in that 2nd sick relationship. I think it was at this time in my second year of sobriety that I really just let go of that last horrible fear of "being alone" and "having to have someone" all the time. I was ready to stop drinking, but not ready to let that go. Most people would probably get drunk over that. I didn't, but it slowed my growth a lot. I was clinging to dependency on people in relationships with all my might and when I let that go...it freed me from so much self bondage. I allowed my HP to help me really change and be the person that I couldn't be while I was willfully clinging to dysfunctional relationships. I learned self-care rather than obsessively getting others to care for me while I didn't care for self.
My point: relationships do not get healthy until we do. Years later, I can't believe I dated those people and lived in that dramatic bullcrap of a life. I come to believe relationships are really just for enjoyment and there need not be so much frantic effort to get each other to change. In other words, like Dean says: "Life is short. Play with healthy people."
*PS - I know we have a few here that stayed together with spouses while getting sober. I'm sure that was not easy either. Would appreciate the ESH of anyone on this.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 30th of April 2014 07:08:51 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I would like some ESH on this one to. Good share thank you. Anyone with similar situations please post It's nice to know I'm not alone and people have similar stories.
I always go to the book for this kind of stuff....Why? Because I always find the answer there. I think one of the things often overlooked in the sex conduct part of the 4th step inventory is the importance of ideals....What is an ideal? A principle to be aimed at.
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
pg 69
That's very important...It's a principle that needs to be practiced. They go on to say...
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson.If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
My husband and I were in separate rooms of the house so essentially, I thought it was over and it drove me mad and finally I just decided, I was "doing this thang" with or without him, no matter if he cared or not, no matter if we 'got back together' or stayed together. With that thought in mind, I finally realized it cleared away the 'drama' so that I could see and decide clearly if I even liked this guy, or if I was just obsessed with him, and him liking me. I never considered this before because I was too crazy in my disease.
With sobriety and freedom from the relationship - I got to think about all my relationships in this way: Did I actually like any of these people in my life? Or did I just like someone liking me. And almost every person was a clear - NO! I just liked that they liked me. I was filling my life with people who I thought could convince me I was likable - which was impossible, because even thought they liked me, because I DIDN'T Like Me - I could never believe THEY did no matter what anyway - and so would sabotage the relationship to prove it! Usually through drinking or other random crazy $hit.
So until I got to clear that all away, work on me - HERE in recovery, find an all loving HP through working the steps, and then through that love learn to love myself, I could NOT be in a healthy relationship where I brought anything to the table other than dysfunction. And dysfunction needs dysfunction, so all the people in my life were at that same level of dysfunction that I was, or even more crazy than me. People need to be at the same emotional level to get together...
soo......
As I healed here in recovery, I started to see what a crazo my husband was too - and I really did just have to put the whole thing ON HOLD in my mind. I was in no condition to make any decisions about anything other than ONE THING: The decision to NOT drink Today!
After a while, maybe a few months, I came to the kitchen table with my husband and told him that I didn't need him anymore. But in the time that I was healing, he was too - and the real people we were under all the crazy was not so bad. We ended up deciding that we didn't NEED each other anymore, but we did WANT each other in our lives, and we would take it slow and give it a try.
For me - it could have gone either way. I was happy enough with myself due to working this program, that all I wanted was the happiness of both of us. I wanted him to be happy - with or with out me. I was prepared to hear he was 'out' or 'in' and knew and trusted in HP that I would be okay either way. That is how I knew I was ready to be in a relationship - and luckily (not that I believe in luck) my husband and I liked each other, and eventually learned to love ourselves enough to love each other in a healthy way - a way that feels today like freedom.
Freedom from the bondage of SELF had to come first and it was a result of working the steps. I was 'done' with my steps at around 5 months in. I am walking through my 3rd year now and my husband and I live a boring life that I have renamed "peaceful". It took a lot of meetings and sharing here and letting others help me and love me until I could do that for myself. So my best and only suggestion to you Eg, is Never give up on YOU - and let the chips fall where they may. God has you where he needs you - and everyone else too.
That is really cool Phillip - I did that same thing actually living with someone! It took a lot of work in CODA and ACA along with AA, but I seemed to have 'popped out' on the other side and it was all worth it :) Loved your share -
