Had to make an amends first thing this morning. I think I went into a dry drunk mode last evening. Something my bf said he was going to do which really has no affect on me, I made into "me". Told him off. I didn't raise my voice...just went on and on about what I think is best for him to do about a certain matter. I knew at the time that it was none of my business and what I was doing was wrong; however, I just didn't keep it to myself and pray about it. Instead a good tongue lashing was what I gave him.
So in my prayers this a.m., what I did last night popped into my head, and so I apologized to him. It is hard for me. I guess it is because for almost six years with him and all the crap I think he did to me still in my head, I am not sure I take myself so seriously with the amends-making to him. (I hope I do, because I am not sure if it "takes" unless I am serious.) It is like I told my sponsor, that it doesn't matter what he does or I think he does....what matters is what I think and what I do. I am only responsible for my own actions. And you know.....I don't dwell on those past things like I did not so very long ago. Since I did my 4th and 5th Steps I noticed the biggest difference and when I made my amends I noticed a bigger difference. Anyway, this is the second time I have had to make amends to him since I did my original amends list. Oh well. Since we are with one another so much I guess I shouldn't feel too bad as long as I pray for a tremendous amount of patience and tolerance and I can get that "square testicles" thought out of my head (from an earlier posting of someone's on here) I'll be ok.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 27th of April 2014 08:46:07 AM
thanks zoomtopz....and I should add that anyone who has had to live/deal with me has had to have tremendous patience and tolerance as well. My dad actually told my ex that he had to have a lot of patience (or something like that) to be married to me. It really hurt my feelings for a good while hearing that from my dad. Ah, well.....he was an alcoholic as well and maybe that was something he would have never said had he been sober. Then again, the truth does hurt even if he was taking my inventory. At least I am working on the newer and improved version of myself.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 27th of April 2014 08:52:27 AM
Thanks Pappy....I am grateful to everyone on the board for helping me get to this point. I have been ready to throw in the towel more than once, and you guys kept wringing it out and throwing it back to me.
BTY
I never cease to be amazed and impressed with your steady spiritual growth! You said that, when you were praying, the thought came into your mind about the tongue-lashing you'd given to your boyfriend....and you were prompted to make amends to him. Well, I've had the same thing happen with me during prayer. BTY, that was God speaking to you in your prayers. And....you listened!!! And.....you responded!!! That, my dear, is meditation....
Yes, God speaks to us in various ways! Sometimes He speaks through other people in our lives. Sometimes He speaks directly. I've experienced that God wants to speak to us because He wants to help us. Yes, God did speak. But, most importantly.....you listened.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Mike D. is correct .....Prayer we talk...Meditation we listen. Nice 10th...As Pappy mentioned...And 11th step work BTY. Well done.
Wow! I am really loving this Step stuff. I am also eager to see what else God wants me to do. I hope the more I pray/meditate the more He speaks to me. Hopefully, I will always listen and willingly do what He expects of me. (If something comes to mind that seems a bit odd to me, I may ask my sponsor and/or ask you all. I sure don't want to mistake my own self-talk for that of the One in charge. Thanks guys! You're an awesome bunch, you are! BTY
P.S.....oh....and I got all this energy today and got more organizing done. I had just stopped all of that awhile back and have been like a lazy slug for the longest time and been rather down about not doing stuff around here I need to do. Right after I made my amends I told you about it was like I was a different person not only mentally but physically as well.....amazing!!!
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Sunday 27th of April 2014 08:35:38 PM
I am also eager to see what else God wants me to do.
That's why we pray only for knowledge of His will for us. For the right thought or action. Thy will...Not mine be done. I love that prayer.....They mention it in the book.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
That excerpt has special meaning for me now, more than it did before, stepchild.....that may be why I was so tired because I was trying to "run the show" and after all the reading the info, reading what you and others have said about that on here and in hearing it in meetings, it kind of went in one ear and out the other. Hopefully this time, it didn't bypass my brain as it has before. I have noticed that a lot of the time when I find myself getting excited, fearful, angry, etc....I am able to remember to pray about whatever it is bothering me and I don't worry as much. I also have this meeting coming up and I have to chair for it tomorrow night. I haven't been losing sleep over it like I would think I would do. Instead, when it comes to mind I have told myself that it isn't about me, and it isn't happening today, so not to worry about it. I did look up info on chairing last night for any tips I thought would help me. Last week, when I was secretary, I stumbled over three words and got really embarrassed. I said a prayer afterwards and asked God to take my embarrassment away, and He did. I wouldn't have the power to do it on my own because the fear of reading in front of people goes back to school days.
Oh, I read last night that AA meetings are "God's meetings"...(it is not "my" meeting and I need to keep my ego out of it).
I am SOOO happy 'WE' are taking this journey together .... this thread has a 'richness' about it that oozes growth .... okay, oozes may be a bad choice of words, but I'm kinda brain dead right now, LOL ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I fixed my no bake cookies this morning--ah yes.....the peanut butter, the oats, butter, sugar, vanilla and the cocoa.....and I double batched em. Nothing says loving like not one--but two batches of empty calories and tons of sugar from the oven---however, since these were no bake, didn't need an oven. In fact, didn't need to cook them on top of the stove either. Coulda just mixed em altogether and rubbed them on my hips and thighs. These are called "No Bake Cookies" but I grew up hearing them called "Preacher Cookies". There may be a reason for that latter one....cause I'm going to need to do some serious praying for strength to stay out of these bad boys. I had three of them for "breakfast", then I thought I needed to eat something substantial so I would leave them alone. So I ate some of my ham stew. Well, that just coated my stomach some more so I could throw three more Preacher Cookies in there and add to the pile! I am so BAD!!!!! Gluttony=Character Defect
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of April 2014 12:42:35 PM
I did look up info on chairing last night for any tips I thought would help me. Last week, when I was secretary, I stumbled over three words and got really embarrassed. I said a prayer afterwards and asked God to take my embarrassment away, and He did. I wouldn't have the power to do it on my own because the fear of reading in front of people goes back to school days.
I had that same fear as a kid BTY.....Part of my alcoholism before I ever even picked up a drink. I've always been driven by fear. I was missing Something. I think I chaired my first meeting around 4 or 5 months sober. A few oldtimers recommended I check out a business meeting for the group...And I ended up walking out with a six month commitment to chair Thursday's meeting.....I'm guessing that's probably not too far off from how you landed the secretary's job. I'm learning it's hard to attend a business meeting without walking out with something you didn't have when you got there.
I pretty much handled that like I handled the first time I was asked to speak in front of a group...About 150 people I came to find out. I didn't think about it...And prayed that God would make me useful. I put it in His hands. I don't know if I stumbled over words or not. People seemed to think I did a good job....I don't really remember much about it. One oldtimer told me..."If you don't remember what you said...That's how you know you did it right...."
Made sense to me. Try and look back at how nervous you were walking into your first meeting....And look now at how unnecessary that was. Put it in God's hands....You won't be let down.
I fixed my no bake cookies this morning--ah yes.....the peanut butter, the oats, butter, sugar, vanilla and the cocoa.....and I double batched em. Nothing says loving like not one--but two batches of empty calories and tons of sugar from the oven---however, since these were no bake, didn't need an oven. In fact, didn't need to cook them on top of the stove either. Coulda just mixed em altogether and rubbed them on my hips and thighs. These are called "No Bake Cookies" but I grew up hearing them called "Preacher Cookies". There may be a reason for that latter one....cause I'm going to need to do some serious praying for strength to stay out of these bad boys. I had three of them for "breakfast", then I thought I needed to eat something substantial so I would leave them alone. So I ate some of my ham stew. Well, that just coated my stomach some more so I could throw three more Preacher Cookies in there and add to the pile! I am so BAD!!!!! Gluttony=Character Defect
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of April 2014 12:42:35 PM
Ha!!! ... Last week, I made 2 double batches of the 'no bake' cookie thingys ... ... ... one with regular cocoa, and one with 'dark cocoa' (for me) ... ... ... the wife had to go to Ga. for a funeral and business ... I said you oughta take some cookies ... she said you're right, and took the whole batch I cooked for her ... I gave her the 'look' ... ... ... she said 'what' ... I said, are you go'n to be gone for 2 weeks ??? ... she said 'no' very nonchalantly ... LMAO ... ... ...
TIP ... I ran out of Parchment paper to drop the cookies on ... I used Wax Paper for my cookies ... not a good idea ... I should have used tinfoil ... the wax kinda did this melting thingy which uh, uh, ... gave them a little different texture ...
AND they didn't firm up hardly at all ... I hate eating my cookies with a spoon ... but damn, they're still good ... gooey, but good ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Stepchild, thanks for the helpful info. I will and I always try and pray before I speak. Tonight I got handed the How it Works....the longest literature reading we do before a meeting. I cannot hardly get out one of the shorter readings without fumbling. (I always read when asked, and now have some Chairs just hand them to me knowing I'll say ok and that is fine). Well, screwed up a couple of words and I thought to myself "these poor people are going to be here waiting for me to finish this and by that time half the meeting is going to be over", then I said a prayer while reading and got through it alright after that. (I have been told I have ADHD and my mind does wonder when I am reading). We had a full house. I am not sure of the number of people and didn't want to think about it and get more nervous. After I prayed, I cannot remember being that nervous at all. Now I cannot do that on my own, I am sure of that. And you said you chaired in front of 150 people?? Oh my gosh. That would just terrify me.
And Pappy, I use parchment and still have gooey cookies. I put them in the fridge and that makes them easier to handle, but I have had ones from either Food Lion or Kroger and they are firm without the stickiness and I like them so much better.
Oh I have a question.......tonight someone was sharing and two people kept whispering to one another throughout that person's share. I wasn't sitting all that close to either the sharer or those two women. For some reason, the whispering was louder than I think the people realized. I had trouble hearing sharer. Hopefully that won't happen when I am chairing, but in the future should I say something about it without pointing anyone out in particular so I won't cause embarrassment to anyone? I just think it is rude for people to have conversations while someone is sharing.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Monday 28th of April 2014 08:18:54 PM
1. caution, when they say 'boil' the cookie glob for '1' minute ... they really mean '1' minute ... LOL ... I think that's the key to not having too gooey a cookie ...
2. When I chair, and I see someone whispering like you noticed, I wait till the person sharing is done, then I kindly remind the group that when someone else has the floor, we should listen and not be carrying on a conversation between members ... or if others feel it absolutely necessary to talk while someone else is sharing, will they kindly take it outside the room ... this is 'common courtesy' ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy for the advice on that situation. As for my cookies... I have been boiling it for longer and that may be the problem. Mine kind of turned out a cross between oozey and gooey. However, everyone seemed to still like them.
Your "goozey" friend...
