Judgment is everywhere in our society as well as in other cultures. There is no such thing as living in a world in which individuals are not being judged for the actions that they take. Making a statement such as, you cannot judge me, is ridiculous, because the whole world is placed in judgment. Although we can judge each others actions or behaviors, we cannot judge the intent of a persons heartonly God can truly judge the intent of a persons heart. (these statements come from a political scientist, PhD) When someone insists that we should not judge others, THEY are in fact passing a value judgment (that judging people is wrong) and that anyone who DOES judge others is doing something wrong. Those people who say that we shouldnt judge others are in fact doing exactly what they say others shouldnt do. Have you ever heard one of those unselfish, spiritually-advanced people in meetings claim they NEVER judge other people or take others inventories, and they have unconditional love for everyone? By the way, unconditional = absolute = perfect. Someone who insists they have unconditional love for everybody is claiming to have perfect love. (or they may be on too much medication.) Judging others does NOT necessarily mean we are CONDEMNING them We leave that for God. To be nonjudgmental means I dont look down on or belittle someone based on my own biases and opinions. Its all in our motives and commitment to honesty.
I really have had a problem with judging others and although working the 4th Step and seeing what part I played in each resentment I had towards others was somewhat of an eye-opener for me and by making amendments to the ones I have harmed, I am taking responsibility for my own thoughts and actions in the past. However, I realize this is an on-going process for me as I have caught myself still judging others actions and words which can lead to yet more resentments. I certainly have my own long list of Character Defects to deal with and pray about their removal. I found the above quite interesting and thought others may think so as well. I still have to do some thinking about it. My sponsor told me I was ready to be a sponsor. I realize that I am not ready. I am going to really throw myself into AA and helping others in as many ways as I can. I need to devote more time to prayer and helping newcomers in other ways and become more knowledgeable about what is in the Big Book. It was really hard for me to understand so much of what my sponsor read to me as I was "following" along. I missed alot. My comprehension when reading is not all that great and I didn't absorb much of what is in it. I feel what I know and where I am at right now, it would be like the "blind leading the blind". I will pray to God to help me continue to work through the steps and when I am ready, I feel He will let me know. Thanks for letting me share :)
Oh, and another thing... I was having coffee last night with another AA member last night and brought up my Character Defects and how disappointed I am that although I have been praying for their removal, it doesn't seem as if any of them are going away or that there is much difference in some of the ones (such as fear, negative thinking, insecure, etc.). In fact, this last week, some seem worse than before. He said that they don't go away. He said that I will just learn to recognize them and deal with them better so they don't cause so many of the same kinds of problems as they have in the past. This has made me very sad. I thought they would go away and now I have to "deal" with the damn things. I guess the CD I have of "expectations" which is another one my sponsor wrote down about me, is happening. I was all excited thinking that this crap about me, which made me drink so much, is going to be a part of me and that is hard for me to accept because I really am scared of drinking again. Maybe it is the lack of understanding more of what is in the Big Book going on. I don't know. Thanks for let me share, again (and again and again).
Making judgments is part of living... however... watching them pass through your mind without letting them affect your serenity is the gift of this program and acceptance for what is. I can be making a judgement without judging you as a person because my overruling principle of thus program says we are all gods children. Honor one another through thick and thin as best as we are able... let any actions comd through love.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Pride, Greed, Lust, Anger, Envy, Gluttony, and Laziness. Those seven things are what the 12&12 enumerate as our character defects as it talks about Step Four. Will they ever really go away? Yes....absolutely! But, they'll only go away if we really want them removed at Steps 6 and 7.....and, only if we continue on through the following Steps. God does the removing. We cannot. We're powerless....remember? Yes....just as we're powerless over our obsession to drink, we're totally powerless over our defects of character.
If God doesn't actually remove our defects of character, then Steps 6 & 7 would be a lie. There are no lies in the Big Book, or in the 12&12.
If you wanted to, you could compile a list of about 300 different things that you could call your "character defects". But, why complicate matters? I prefer to keep it simple. Our character defects only amount to those seven deadly sins. My experience is that, if we look at ourselves in the context of these 7 defects at Step Four, we'll never fail to see the real causes behind our actions and the mistakes we've made.
BTY, do you remember when you were cleaning out your apartment, and you sorted things out and decided what things to keep, and what things to throw away? While you were doing that, you were making value judgments. You were evaluating whether certain things were assets or liabilities. That's exactly the same thing we do in Steps 4, 5, 6, and 7. For example, if we want to get rid of Anger, it will be removed. If we want to keep it, we'll have it all our lives.
Carefully read the 12&12 on Step Four and I think that will bring you more clarity.
Mike D....
Unfortunately, I didn't get rid of much in the few areas I cleaned. I hang onto everything thinking I will need it. I will read what you suggested. Thanks so much. I feel better after reading your response.
How many times have my sponsorees asked me, "When will God ever rid me of this Character defect?" My answer is always the same, "Whenever you decide you don't want it anymore."
Big Book says: "There is no cure, only a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition"
HOW IT WORKS says: "Do not be discouraged, no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principals. We are not Saints!"
Progress not perfection ....
The Promises say: "We will be amazed before we are half way through". We keep getting better. We are never cured.
Thank you Mike D, ... I read this original post last night and was going to make a reply very similar to yours ... but I was so tired I felt I should wait til morn'n ... you shared my thoughts here almost perfectly, and better than I could have written ... for that, I am grateful ...
I had had trouble too, with being 'RID' of my character defects ... my sponsor said that if I approached God with all the humility I could muster, then the character defect would be removed ... BUT, I had to be 'willing' to 'let it go' ... ... ... It or them, as the case may be ... AND, I have been guilty of being free of particular CD's and pulling them back in to wallow in them once again ... of course this required 'new' honesty in my own evaluation and 'new' efforts to be rid of them ... to which Bob had a great reply ...
And Tasha is also 'on point' about 'judging' being a part of our lives too ... we do it constantly ... how else do we decide the next step we are to take ? ... However, when we judge others we need to let our personal 'action', or 're-action', be guided by God ... meaning that it is His place for bringing the consequences to those who do wrong, not ours ... it is a matter of our accepting that a power greater than us will make the situation right on His 'time-table', not ours ... whether in this life or the next ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pappy posted....
"However, when we judge others we need to let our personal 'action', or 're-action', be guided by God ... meaning that it is His place for bringing the consequences to those who do wrong, not ours ... it is a matter of our accepting that a power greater than us will make the situation right on His 'time-table', not ours ... whether in this life or the next ..."
Thanks, Pappy. I like this. Everytime I found myself thinking anything judgemental yesterday, I told myself, that it is not up to me to correct or even think that about whoever it was. I didn't realize just how many times a day I go through thinking, "if such and such would only do this or do that," or why did someone do something, say something? I think I was using my judgements on others as a way to avoid praying more about my own CD's. I think it is kind of like mind gossip. It is easier for me to not to deal with my own cra* when I am busy thinking about others and all the (perceived) cra* I think they are dealing with.
I haven't gotten down on my knees yet....maybe it's time.
And this place was certainly a lot quieter due to me not feeling the need to bring up so much "stuff" like I usually do and especially on the weekends for some reason. :)
