This past Thursday I made it 10 months without a drink. If someone told me before I stopped drinking that I would get sober and not drink for this long I would have told them that they were crazy and to leave me alone. The night before I stopped drinking, I was contemplating ending it all. I didn't want to live my life drinking until it killed me and I didn't believe I could live it without drinking. I was going through my mind about how I could leave this earth as painlessly as possible. I'm a big chicken and didn't want to deal with suffering a long slow painful death. All the while I had these thoughts going through my head, I just kept drinking one after the other. Nothing really different from the way I had been drinking every day for so long. Then I realized that I had already been committing suicide all along as I had been suffering and it had been long, slow and painful because I'm an alcoholic and the one thing I thought I loved so much was the one thing which was poison to me. That night,  I got into an argument with my bf (typical of my behavior when I drank)  and I eventually passed out. The next morning he reprimanded me for slapping him. I didn't remember the argument and I didn't remember hitting him. I had never been violent before my drinking got so bad. People used to tell me I was one of the nicest people they ever met. I had changed into this nasty person and alcohol did that to me.  One time I had one of my big nasties, my bf tape recorded me. I had remembered being upset the next day; however, I had no idea just how upset I was until he played back my voice which he had tape recorded without my knowledge. I couldn't believe the screaming and yelling were mine. They sounded like some crazy person out of a bad horror movie. I scared myself listening to it and told him I couldn't listen anymore and to please turn it off. I hope I apologized to him however I cannot remember and will be doing my amends list this week so I guess I can just add that one to the bunch of them, since it is on my mind.

The next day I went to an AA meeting. It saved my life. I have put sobriety before everything else because if I don't, I'll start drinking again and won't have anything left anyway. My life has greatly improved by doing this and I have friends and lots of them who I truly care about. When I was drinking I didn't want or need friends. I know now that I want and need them and am grateful to them for their friendship. Now I care about others which was something I had lost the capacity to do when I was drinking. I have a strong need to help others with this disease because I know how much others have helped me.

I am actually happier in so many ways than I was before my drinking got so crazy and out of control. I know that it is possible to quit drinking when you think you cannot. I know it is possible to have a better life and be thankful to wake up each morning instead of wishing you didn't. Every morning, I thank my Higher Power, who is God, for keeping me sober yesterday. I ask Him to please keep me sober "today". I thank Him for my blessings and ask forgiveness for any wrongdoings. I also pray for all the people suffering in the world and to please help me help anyone I can possibly help throughout the day, alcoholics as well as non-alcoholics. I feel for the first time that my life has a purpose. It's a great feeling.

I still have problems as everyone does. I just focus on sobriety being the most important thing in my life and I keep it in the forefront of my mind every single day that I can never ever let myself believe that my problems are too great for me to handle and lead me to believe that I have to drink over them.

BTY