My mum had a fall a few days ago and busted her leg. She's had a half hip replacement and will be in hospital for some days
So it's my great niece's christening on sunday and I've committed to attend purely because it was a chance for mum to have her family round her...of coirse that won't happen npw, only two visitors at a time.
So I decided that i'd go down tomorrow and thought as I have a key for mum's house i'd stick a sleeping bag in the car and bunk down in mum's spare room.
Now my sister, one of my brothers and my brother in law think this is appalling. Why? Best they can come up with is 'I don't think it's right' nothing more than that.
I must admit I lost my cool a bit with my brother on the last call and pushed him to say exactly why it was not right? It's just not the right thing to do, it's not right to stay there when mum isn't there....so I lost my rag and asked did hw think i'd be trashing the place, pissing the bed and nicking the curtains?
My brother got annoyed of course...probably what I wanted anyway.
So in the end I thought well, some arguments are worth trying to win and some aren't worth the effort, this one wasn't worth it. So I apologised for being snarky and said fair go i'll get a hotel.
This is what I've done. But there's still a niggle, that the three of them just cannot understand that in my opinion there's nowt wrong with bunking down.
Well the hell with it. Let it go. Opinions are like arseholes, everybody's got one but nobody needs two and other's opinions are worth what you pay for them, mostly bugger all.
I haven't really dealt with this resentment have I. More work required.
I got it. I'm being selfish. I didn't want to work to late tonight to do stuff that I could've done at mum's on her wifi
; I didn't want to spend £55 on a hotel room when I could stay somewhere for free
I thought I had a right to do what I want and not be concerned with other's feelings.
I expected others to be able to come up with reasons I could understand or at least relate to .... like 'i'd be upset if you did that'
I feel annoyed that I've agreed to go to a christening that I don't believe in for an unrelated but good reason, now the reason is gone, well ,maybe i'll just go see my mum and decide on the christening later, though we do need to have a family meeting about the old gorl....it'd be churlish to not attend the christening.
(why not the christening? Well the mum and dad only see the inside of a church for hatch match and despatch _ they aren't spiritual people and are only doing it because they are expected to do it.)
Need to remember ....do I want to be right or do I want to be happy. At 'east me and the brother have agreed that the situation needs no more discussion
-- Edited by bikerbill on Friday 28th of March 2014 11:02:27 AM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hi. I am not sure if you wanted any opinions....(based on your words about them)...however, if you do here's mine, if you don't that's ok too. If it were me....I would ask my mom if she was comfortable with me staying there. It is her home. It's her decision. Any feedback I would try to ignore. (I know it would bother me, though). It's often not the actual event being discussed, but the back and forth bickering and verbal opinions by "well-intentioned" others which can cause the most harm and tear families apart and I am going to try and not get pulled into all that drama.
In other words, what happens between my mom and me is not my siblings' business.
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Friday 28th of March 2014 11:18:59 AM
Yeah, bang on BTY. That's a good suggestion (it's not an opinion, an opinion would be along the lines of you're right or you're wrong, a suggestion is a this is what I would do)
when mum is feeling better then that'd be the time to ask. At the moment she's off her face on pain meds.
Thank you.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Sorry you had to go through that BB, ... ... ... think I'd have had the very same reaction that you described ... for heaven's sake, it's your mum's house and unless she banned you from being there, let the others think what they will ... it's obviously out of convenience and not cause you want to destroy the place ... if it were me, I'd take a few tools with me, fix a few things that need attention, and not worry what the others see that causes them to think it's not right ... cause it is right, in your heart, anyway ...
P.S. I'm good at making a 'mountain of a mole hill' too ... you're not alone ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ah pappy, I came to the do you want to be right or do you want peace?
It's not that important now. Of course my head says that my sister is probably putting her family overspill up there. Haha. As I'm getting hoofed out the digs at ten am on Sunday and the christening isn't until two..... well I'll have to go somewhere for lunch, won't I? Will it be my sisters?
The next call though was 'you will wear a suit to the christening won't you' of course I said yes. I didn't say it would be my birthday suit under whatever else I choose to wear. Suits and motorbikes don't mix. There's no point going in the car if i'm not taking my mum to the christening is there?
Yes, I know I'm probably going to be deliberately awkward
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
LOL ... ... I don't even own a suit ... not my style ... and a 'tie' ??? ... forget it !!! ... I'd wear me 'leather vest' if'n it's a big shebang kinda thingy ... LOL
I'd say what's more important, me be'n there or what I'm wearing ... oh, I DO like the 'b'day' suit idea ... at least they'd all remember you be'n there, LOL ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 28th of March 2014 09:44:35 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Not real sure I get this one Bill...I have a rather large family...6 kids...Some alkies in the bunch....I think if my mom was in the hospital and brothers were coming from a distance...It would be expected for them to stay where there is spare room....By everyone. For one...Someone would be watching the place....And secondly....Why would you pay for a hotel when you have a place to sleep for nothing. I mean...I work this program the best I can....But I'm not a doormat. I'd be curious if one...Or three objected...What the reason was....Then I'd talk it over with my mom and stay there. If she objected....I'd start 10 and 11th stepping why I'm in a hotel.
Stepchild.... interesting points, but as I say, some battles aren't worth fighting. Sod it, I can afford the hotel room, it's only a four hundred mile round trip, it's an inconvenience to me that's all.
I can't really ask mum as she's off her fits on painmeds, she doesn't need the stress either.... one of my brother's is in competition with the other to be the titular head of the family, my sister is just being irrational, probably because she's taken too much on and my brother in law doesn't think for himself.
My other brother doesn't give a toss about anything but entrenching his position as the eldest male seniority rights and such.
See, I really only agreed to go to this christening so mum had the opportunity to have all her kids around her at the same time. As this isn't happening, well, maybe i'll skip the christening for an extra visit to mum. But then would I have to explain my absence? I don't agree with christenings unless the parents are in the faith. These are not, and neither am I, it's being held because 'that's what you do'. Am I being arrogant?
As I say, the only reasons they can come up with is 'it's not right' or 'it's inappropriate' or 'I don't like it'.
Hell, sometimes I'm as sick as they are. This is a test for me, one to learn from. Yes, it would be good to not to have to pay for accommodation, it would be good to not pay for restaurant food. It would be good to have WiFi access so I can do some work. It would be good to have somewhere secure to park my car.
Inconveniences like this won't deter me from seeing my mum. Maybe she'll ask me where I'm staying and maybe i'll tell her and maybe she'll say why don't you stay at mine or maybe she'll say oh good, that's better than staying at mine, but it'll be her decision then, not mine, not theirs.
And funnily nought, no update on mum's condition from sister tonight, so I rang the hospital. That won't have gone down well.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Friday 28th of March 2014 08:36:17 PM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hope this doesn't come out sounding too harsh, bikerbill, but reading about your family stuff, makes me almost grateful I don't have a very close relationship with my family. Especially when I am trying to stay sober....hope there are AA meetings in the area you are going to be. I know I would certainly need them.
Personally, ... I think you have a great attitude with this whole thing BB ... ... ... fighting a battle like this can do no good for you or them ... good job ...
I find prayer helps me a lot when faced with situations similar to this one ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha Biker Bill!! LOL you bring it home and you bring it home large for me. This post digs up lots of "coming to understand" lessons in my own recovery and the mental gymnastics and expectations being...and second guessings and the lot of other hair pulling act outs I went thru before I arrived at "what its like for me today". One important lesson my sponsor taught me about decision making was...decide on the consequence you want first and then work the plan to get it. Rocket Science most normal human beings do usually yet alcoholics seem to not "get". Once I made the decision and had the plan all things being equal including a nod from my HP...that is what I did with "To thine own self be true". I had/have lots of tools to handle what "they" have to say about it and one of the tools is "however, whatever they think about it...is none of my business and that's it!! Give them God's address and tell them that's where they need to take their concerns. No I'm not THAT sarcastic...usually, and one of my tools is "let go and let God"...and I do. When I am right with my HP no one else has permission for management. They might have the opportunity and not the right to get involved in my plan and still I work my plan. This has never failed me and neither has HP. I'd do my Mom's place and while there see if it needs my caring touch while she is in the hospital. I had a similar condition as you are having now only it wasn't my Mom's house I was abiding with and her life with my step-father. Helped clean that up a bit with the direction of my HP which helped her hip surgery and recovery go much better.
Brother you know and you know that you know how to do the right thing...go do what you know. You've done your Biker Bill inventory now to thine own self be true. Ho`omaika`i...Blessings and thanks for this post.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of March 2014 01:48:03 AM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 29th of March 2014 01:50:22 AM
I'm really glad you posted on this because it has helped me get to know you a little more. You sound like a good guy who tries to do the right things for your family. You have my admiration. Disagreements between various family members are commonplace and universal worldwide. I liked the way you came to the conclusion that this disagreement isn't worth the trouble, and certainly isn't worth getting a resentment over. All in all, you've handled things pretty well.
