I posted yesterday about how I am on a business trip that ended up being very early in my sobriety. It is challenging, but doable. It has to be.
Last night I was able to avoid going to the bar with my colleagues and being a bit of a hermit, but it worked for me. Tonight I have to go bowling. Now, I love bowling. I also really like my co-workers. But I am feeling very stressed and tired today. I am emotionally rocky because of some uncertain things going on in my life and it is giving me stress. As such, I am craving slightly.
I figure I'll go but if it gets too hard, I can say I don't feel well or something. I don't really like beer, so that helps, I suppose. I just worry about peer pressure. I am bolstering myself up, reminding myself that there is no, "Just one" with me, or "Just today." It doesn't work that way, no matter how much I might want it to.
And I am telling myself that if I make it to bed sober it will be one week! I was thinking about it this morning in the shower, and it occurred to me that I hadn't been sober for a week since 2010 since I was in AA the first time. (I only lasted 56 days because clearly I didn't have a problem, since I was able to stop drinking... perfect rationale.) But before that, I hadn't gone a week sober in eight years. Honestly, there was hardly a day I was sober. Here and there when I got the flu or something. I realized that and my first thought was, "That's crazy!" And I realize that yes. It's crazy. My brain does not work right if that is the case. It's not normal. It's not social, it's not fun.
So I want to be proud of myself and make it one week, and I don't want to disappoint my boyfriend or lie to him when I go home, as he is in recovery too, just two days ahead of me.
So hoping for some prayers, or just rooting for me to make it through. I'll take whatever help I can get!
There are probably things we could say to you that may help, but the best help you'll ever get in your life will come from God. Ask Him. He has Power that we don't have. Mike D.
Yeah...Like Mike D mentioned...I did a lot of praying early on....Just to make it through the day. A lot of praying. Everyday I didn't drink...I gained faith. Then I started praying for help getting me through those steps. They promise this after we have worked the first 9 steps.....This is what I wanted.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
bb pgs 84 - 85
And that's what I got. Sanity will have returned....The problem has been removed.
You're emotionally rocky in your first week?....I was a trainwreck.
I am a little later getting on here tonight. Just got back from chatting with some fellow alcoholics after our AA meeting was over. You know, that is one thing which is so great about AA'ers that are committed to staying sober, no peer pressure to drink. We are all trying to help one another accomplish getting through another day without drinking. It's a great way to live and it's a life I never thought I'd live when I was drinking. Mike D. and Stepchild are right about the praying. However, I cannot remember if you said believing in a power greater than yourself in your earlier posting. One thing I am picking up is that you are having a little trouble believing in yourself right now and in the strength you feel you need to maintain your sobriety. Please realize that we don't need to feel "peer pressure" from anyone. We are adults now and we need to have enough confidence in ourselves to make our own decisions about our own drinking. We don't have to allow ourselves to be pressured (which to me is a form of bullying) by anyone else to do something we don't want to do and especially something we know has the ability to "strike" us down and not "spare" us. If I was worried about drinking if I go bowling, I wouldn't go bowling. BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 09:13:59 PM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 09:14:35 PM
Thanks to all for the prayers and support! I made it! One week! Booyah! I am proud of myself. It did take some effort, but I still had a good time.
The weird thing was, that night, I dreamt that I was in some social situation and someone wanted me to hold their drink for them or something and I ended up taking a sip even though I knew I shouldn't. Again, this was a dream. But I was SO upset with myself. I guess that's a good thing? Or is it a bad sign? I still feel stressed from it.
Today is the last full day and we are just going out to dinner tonight, so that should be doable. Normally avoiding the wine would be tough, but now that I have a week under my belt, I feel like it is getting a little easier. Anything is easier than having FOUR bars and drunk friends surrounding you, like last night.
I got such strength from you all last night. Thank you so much.
I am a little later getting on here tonight. Just got back from chatting with some fellow alcoholics after our AA meeting was over. You know, that is one thing which is so great about AA'ers that are committed to staying sober, no peer pressure to drink. We are all trying to help one another accomplish getting through another day without drinking. It's a great way to live and it's a life I never thought I'd live when I was drinking. Mike D. and Stepchild are right about the praying. However, I cannot remember if you said believing in a power greater than yourself in your earlier posting. One thing I am picking up is that you are having a little trouble believing in yourself right now and in the strength you feel you need to maintain your sobriety. Please realize that we don't need to feel "peer pressure" from anyone. We are adults now and we need to have enough confidence in ourselves to make our own decisions about our own drinking. We don't have to allow ourselves to be pressured (which to me is a form of bullying) by anyone else to do something we don't want to do and especially something we know has the ability to "strike" us down and not "spare" us. If I was worried about drinking if I go bowling, I wouldn't go bowling. BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 09:13:59 PM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Tuesday 25th of March 2014 09:14:35 PM
Okay, first of all the puns? Amazing. I agree that talking to other alcoholics is so helpful, and I am constantly amazed at how kind and accepting these strangers are. I'm not used to that.
I appreciate your asking about my higher power. It's complicated. I have more of one than I did the first time out. I was a SERIOUS atheist back then. Now I believe in something, but I'm not sure what. It's not "God" in the traditional sense, so when people start talking about God as if it were a person or a man, or even something that gives a crap about me, it just doesn't compute. I believe in a certain energy? I do pray. I had read so many studies about how prayer does seem to help sick people, and I have a lot of friends with children that are severely ill and in and out of the hospital. Whenever one of them is clinging to life, I pray every day, sometimes twice a day. Many of us do, and these kids have lived so many times where the odds said they wouldn't. So I try now to pray to whatever that energy is for strength. I'm better at praying for others. I'm hoping it will grow, but I'm still working on step one. I have to really get that through my head first. I think it's good that I at least have this attitude towards spirituality now though. I think it was a real hindrance last time. I was very resistant to anything spiritual.
You don't need to understand or define electricity in order to flip on a light switch and bring light into the room, do you? Well, you don't need to understand or define God in order to bring His help into your life, either. Prayer is an action that will help you stay sober. Just Keep It Simple. Mike D.
You sound like your head is in a good place and that you can do this. Since you are very early in sobriety it is important that you safeguard yourself as much as possible from being in situations and having negative thoughts about people, places or things which may cause you to want to drink. (Not that you are doing the latter, however I am speaking for myself.) I have been sober 10 months and still have times when I feel weak. I just say a prayer and ask for strength, go to a meeting and/or come to this board. I try to do as much service work to help other people suffering from alcoholism. As long as I am trying to help other alcoholics it leaves less time to think about drinking. When I plan in advance what I am going to do to help out at meetings I know I am covered for that month to not drink, as there are too many people at the meetings I go to who are depending on me to do what I committed to do and I cannot let them down. I have been doing this since fairly early in my sobriety and it has really helped. I have to get out of the cartoon repeats playing around in own head which tell me it is alright to drink and look at the greater picture. Pappy's "Today's Gift" he posted yesterday was about enjoying life and describes how I want to eventually be--with all its "blue skies" and "fluffy clouds" and other appealing things. I can only achieve this by staying sober. It is something I want more than anything else in the world because if I start drinking again all I will have are gray skies and dark clouds in my forecast.
