I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 10 months. He knows that, when I drink, I drink too much and can't remember anything. He also knows that I make poor decisions when I drink and wants me to stop. The thing that he does not know is that I cannot stop alone and that I went to my first AA meeting today. I want to tell him but am afraid that he will see this a bigger problem than he wants to handle. If I loose him I am afraid that I will drink. I don't know what to do at this point. Any advice?
Welcome Brandy...First off...Congrats on going to your first meeting. I'm an alcoholic....The funny thing about that is....Everyone around me knew it before I finally conceded to my innermost self that I was. One thing I can tell you about AA that I know is true.....This whole program is based on honesty...Without it...It doesn't work. If me trying to get better was a problem for someone else.....I'd have to take a hard look at that relationship. I'm glad you're here. I hope you can obtain a copy of the Big Book...And learn something about this problem...And solution....We all share.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 17th of March 2014 02:13:02 PM
Thank you. I did receive a copy of The Big Book in my first meeting today and plan to start reading it when I get home. I do agree that this has to be about me, first and foremost. I also agree that if my boyfriend has a problem with it then it will be time to re-evaluate the relationship. I know that he would want me to be honest with him and he has already stuck beside me through some of my drunken messes. I am just scared of what he will think of me :(
By the way...You sound like you are off to a good start. You have any questions about that book...Feel free to ask here. As they say in the Foreward....
To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book.
That means there is some important stuff in there.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 17th of March 2014 02:26:20 PM
Keep in mind that there is nothing here that he needs to handle. You both know what happens when you drink, and you are making the decision to stop drinking. The details about how you decide to do that, and what kind of help you decide to get for that, are beside the point and nothing that requires any action from him. It's most likely that he'll just be glad that you're addressing this issue, and assuming that he's a decent person he'll be supportive because he cares about you and wants you to be well. I mean, if you had a broken leg, would he think that it's 'too much for him to handle' just because you got help from others by going to a doctor and getting your leg set in a cast, instead of trying to somehow deal with it all on your own?
For people who have developed a drinking problem, quitting is very rarely the kind of thing that can successfully be done alone, with no help from any other resources. He's probably just as aware of that already as anyone else, so you getting some assistance from AA or anywhere else wouldn't be any cause for concern, in fact just the opposite. Trying to quit on your own with no help would be more of a cause for concern because there's not much chance of success with that method.
Something to keep in mind - when we are very new in our sobriety, it is very normal for us to think up all sorts of things to worry about. These are often unconscious rationalizations for putting off quitting, or for avoiding getting into AA or some kind of treatment program, often by worrying about 'what will my family / my boss / my partner / my friends think of me when they find out I'm going to AA?'. When your head starts telling you stuff like that, don't listen to it. It's usually just our way of setting ourselves up to keep drinking. That's just what our alcoholism does. It lies to us. Just don't drink today and get to another meeting tomorrow. By the way, the fact that you are asking about this stuff is great! Keep it up!
Hi again, Brandy, I think anything like this that you are trying to do to improve yourself is a great thing and most people would be very supportive. One thing that I learned early in my sobriety was to surround myself with ones who supported me.
You are going through a major change and although it is hard, if your thinking is anything like mine, the focus should be more on what you need to do to help yourself instead of what other people think. I have spent most of my life worrying about what other people thought about what I said, did, etc. It was so bad that I was more concerned about what others thought of me than what I thought of myself!
Obviously I cannot tell you what you should do as I am not a therapist. (Thank God for that, because I've made a mess out of my own life...) I can tell you that since I put the focus on me and what I thought and my Higher Power thinks of me, everything else seems to be going alright for me. Also, I have this theory, which some may choose to take or leave....and that is "if it is a meant to be, it will be."
Thank you all SO much for your replies. They are helping me as today is my first day and I am in an emotional whirl wind. I did send my boyfriend and email letting him know what I have done and he was THRILLED! I am glad that is over and to know that he will not "shun" me. I am so glad that I am doing this and will continually pray for the strength to continue. AND I will be going to another meeting tomorrow! :)
Here's how it looks to me regarding your new boyfriend: If he really wants you to stop drinking, I would think that you'd eventually lose him if you don't stop. If he knows that you're going to A.A., that would tell him that you're actually trying to do something about your drinking problem. That should give him hope for a good relationship with you in the future. He should be happy that you're going to A.A. meetings.
Now, here's how it looks to me regarding YOU: You have to want to get sober for YOU.....not anybody else. I hope you're doing it for YOU and YOU alone.
I'm so glad to hear that you're getting sober for yourself. During my first attempt at sobriety, my family members were the one's who wanted me sober -- I did not. I went to a rehab, but I didn't want to be there because I didn't want to stop drinking. Needless to say, I was drinking worse than ever on the day after I was released. About 7 months later, I finally got so desperate and scared that I was begging my wife to put me in a treatment center. For the first time ever, I wanted sobriety more than anything. She took me in to the hospital at 2:00 o'clock in the morning. The day I was released, I went to my first A.A. meeting. That was 26 years ago. I've been happy and sober ever since.
I hope you know that we're always with you every step of the way. You're not alone.
Brandy, What you are feeling--about the emotional whirlwind--is normal. I experienced increased anxiety and became paranoid more than I usually was about all kinds of things. Eventually, this lessened to a great degree. Just be careful about the physical aspects of this. Depending on the amount you drank and the length of time you have been drinking, you may have some serious withdrawals. You should research detoxing from alcohol on the internet and not to scare you, just to be aware of the signs of it. Since we are not MD's here, and are not qualified to give medical advice, should you have discomfort during the next days, even weeks, it may be a good idea to see your doctor for a check-up. BTY
Welcome to MIP Brandy, ... glad you were guided here to us ...
Some great advice has already been given ... All I was go'n to say is that any friend (BF) worth being around would be thrilled to know that you're seeking help with a drinking problem ... unless they feel that it would hinder their having a drink when they want one ... as you get acquainted with and work the AA solution, you'll experience a point in time where you can be around others who drink and not be affected by it ...
You're off to a good start ... and if you're willing to go to any length to stay sober, then you have the solution in your lap, the Big Book ... it has all the info you'll need ... and if you have questions dealing with any aspect of recovery from alcoholism, then we're here to assist you any way we can ... you have but to ask ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Brandy, glad to have you here with us. Congrats on your decision and action to get sober. I've found out, sometimes the hard way, that God loves the truth and the truth will set YOU free. We all got here with hiding the truth from ourselves and others. WE need to change. This is one of the shortcomings WE need to change. Glad to see you're on that path. Stick around and help us stay sober.
