(....and it is not a charge card either...I don't own any of those anymore because of how "bad" and broke they made me feel.)
I shared about my cleaning up around here and getting rid of the shot glasses only to find one that I had boxed up to get out of here back in the cabinets. I took it out of there again, not knowing if it was the "right" thing to do or not. I didn't bring it up. Strange for Ms. Diarrhea Mouth here, because I have always had a problem avoiding what could be a good fight. It is tough living with another alcoholic. Tougher for me because I feel he is not staying sober as he claims to be. There have been times I thought I could smell alcohol, though few. The smell of mouthwash at times was overwhelming. (I don't use it because it has alcohol in it and the non-alcoholic kind still tastes like it has it in it). There have been many other things which have happened (or I "thought" happened) which makes me feel like he is still drinking. I continue to keep my mouth shut most of the time about it....amazing!
I am working on my fourth step and this is one of my resentments on my list. I am not sure if I will be able to share it with my sponsor. He goes to the same meetings we do, and watches us pick up chips. I don't want to humiliate (for lack of a better word, my bf). I am worried it may get out to others by my doing so. He doesn't have a sponsor and I have stopped bringing it up. He has attended almost as many meetings I have. So I am sharing my resentment here. It is also on my fear list. Him drinking hasn't crossed my mind for a little while until last night and the mouthwash smell permeated the room. I did bring up the smell of it without the drinking part. He knew what I was implying and told me that it is probably because I am not drinking that I notice it more. Possibly so. Then this am I open the drawer to get a spoon out for my coffee and this piece of plastic is in there staring up at me. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. We haven't been sick in months and months and this thing wasn't in there yesterday because I do most all the dishes, washing, putting away. I would have noticed it. I thought this is his new "jigger". Anyway, I am leaving it. I had to make treats for the meeting and everytime I opened that drawer to get utensils to use for doing that, I saw that damn thing in there and got mad over and over again. Then I thought all of the possibilities that thing could be in there, such as maybe in my cleaning it fell on the floor and he found it laying somewhere, washed it and put it there rather than putting it back on the cough syrup. Another one is that maybe it was in another section of the drawer, and he was searching for a fork or knife and it got tossed over there in his search. These things do need to be washed every now in then I know. Perhaps all of my fears, such as finding a bottle here in my cleaning and at the least getting upset at him and at the worst, drinking myself to get revenge (I know that is sick thinking, however, I know I am sick.) I think the biggest resentment I have about all this is that I am being lied to. Then I tried to pick that feeling apart and realize that I have always had trust issues with everyone and not just my bf. I think until I have been sober longer and have finished the steps, I will continue to have that issue. I am getting better, but I'm not there yet. Even another reason for my resentment I think is that if he is drinking at all, then he is able to drink and continue to go to meetings and I am perhaps jealous that I can't do that--have my drinks and my newfound AA friends and social life, too. And I really did love to drink and the possibility of living in the same place with someone that is drinking makes me a bit bitter. Anyway, I know that I will be alright. I am concerned about him though. I told him months ago that if he needed to drink that was him and asked him to please drink outside of here or to find a very good place to store the crap because I was worried if I found it I may weaken. I know I cannot control what he does and have to let that stuff go.
So a stupid plastic cup made me feel like crap today. I guess this comes under all three of the categories I need to not let get to me...."People, Places and Things." (people--him, place--the drawer and things--the stupid plastic cup.) I'M STILL A MESS!!!!!
Need to get busy and re-focus.
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 13th of March 2014 10:42:04 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Thursday 13th of March 2014 10:46:19 AM
Hi BTY, ... as you know, sobriety must be our 1st priority now ... and the only person we can change is ourselves ... this is a great example of why a person needs desperately to work the 12 steps 'post haste' ... ... ... because as you do, you will find the desire to drink has been 'removed' ... and at that point, we can be around alcohol and others who drink and it doesn't affect us ...
You will learn to stop allowing the little things to direct how and what you think about ... whether or not your bf is still drinking and just putting on a charade, is something you cannot control ... but you can control your decisions and how to proceed in doing what's best for your recovery ... and that may or may not include finding other 'living' arrangements ... you should do everything in your power to put recovery as your number one desire ... without it, there can be no 'peace and serenity' ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
(((BTY))) So it wasn't about the plastic cup. You're working Your Program...not his. If you find that you are trying to be sober for him get into loving yourself as much as you love him. I hate how my mind has a mind of its own...beats me up. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for your responses. You guys sure have a way of making one feel loved by even responding to my silly post. A great deal of what I post is because I truly would hate to see others who are dealing with similar things go out and drink over it. I have heard we are not all that different in our thinking in AA and although it provides me some relief knowing I am not alone in this respect, however I feel scared for people who do think like me, and if I can help someone new in recovery know that they don't have to drink over it, that is a great thing. Greatly appreciated. BTY
Even having been through the steps - I would not be able to live with an active alcoholic. That poses an extra set of challenges that call for an alanon program. Just my opinion. Maybe check some of those meetings out in due time BTY. Obviously AA need be your major primary focus.
I think you would also enjoy posting and reading on the Alanon boards here also.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 14th of March 2014 07:29:36 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
pinkchip..... I have almost finished the book Adult Children of Alcoholics. Learned so much about myself and why I am like I am. jad suggested the same thing about the board and I have been to it and it will be a part of my daily recovery. Thanks so much for your response.
