Temporarily at least. You see my job for the past decade has been one that some would find distasteful. I was half owner of an adult entertainment production company. My role was writer, director and talent management. I had always convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing. I ensured we followed the rules to the letter and I treated everyone involved with the utmost respect and kindness. Our reputation of being a very good studio to work with was something I was proud of. But not really...I would only share the true nature of my work with a few close friends and even my wife was not fully aware of what my business entailed. I was living a lie and deep down inside it was causing me emotional distress. I just didn't realize how much it was bothering me because I was drunk all the time. YestYesterday i sold my half of the business and walked away. I feel a great deal of relief.
Sobriety is a funny thing in that a lot of things that you didn't even know we're causing you pain become obvious as you thaw out. It's like walking around with a nail in your shoe but you just keep taking medicine to numb yourself rather than do anything about it. When you finally face it and pull the nail out the pain is gone and you know it doesn't ever have to come back.
I do not regret the past nor do I wish to shut the door on it...I just feel ready to move on.
You know BF...I'm not sure if you are into the program of AA or not....The steps? But that's basically what they are all about....Clearing the wreckage of our past.....Righting our wrongs....Putting our lives under new management. The result....A real great sense of relief....A new freedom and a new happiness. I hope good things come to you. You're changing....And that's what it's all about.
Know what you mean...((((BF)))) what an awesome share!! To thine own self be true...Your value system came to the top along with your relationship with a power greater than Butterfinger. More unmanageability gone. I hear the hum of humility and willingness and the other tools necessary for change and I relate with it. You retired "a part of yourself" as I also did...gave up piece by piece until I came face to face with the one person I had lived my entire life with and knew next to nothing about...me! When I reached this point in my recovery...years into it...and my ego was gone...not there for me to rely on anymore...my Higher Power introduced me to two emotions I had buried really deep and when I got to feel them it was nuclear. I rewrote my 8th step and my 9th became mandatory on all levels. My higher power increased its supervisory and we went forward. This program works when you work it. Thanks for the trust of your share. (((((hugs)))))
I had Not felt a thing . So it Had NEVER bothered me.