I just read one of Pappy's daily postings and it made me think of something painful (literally and just the memory of it) which happened to me a couple of years ago. We had gotten some "junk" together to take to a local auction house. The woman working there told us to get there before 11:30 a.m. with our things because they have lunch after that time. Well, we got there before then, but not much before then. My bf had dropped me off in the front so I could go in and tell them we were there with our things. The auctioneer's daughter (also the one we talked to on the phone) was eating her sandwich and said, "I just knew you would show up right at lunchtime!" She spoke very abruptly to me and I felt so badly that we had not gotten there sooner. She told me that she would get someone to accept our things. In my typical "people pleaser" style and also feeling like I was "imposing" (common for me) on their time, I jogged through their long front room.......and right into their window! I missed the door. the windows were the large ones--a sheet of glass---and looked just like the glass on a door. All were kept so clean. I guess I had my hand down to "push" the "door handle" open, which wasn't there and didn't exist as it was a window. During that time, I was drinking heavily and I am not sure if I had any drinks before we left, but I did have hangovers everyday from the previous day, which didn't help my focus.
Anyway, the impact was so loud that the workers, including the auctioneer's daughter, could hear the noise I made and me hollar or scream (don't remember which) when I hit it. Blood poured from my nose and although I was in intense pain, I was worried about how embarrassed I was and how stupid I looked as well as getting their floor bloodied. I held my hands over my nose trying to catch the blood and went out the "real" door and around back. Blood was continuing to pour at a very fast rate and by the time I reached the back of the building, where my bf was waiting for someone, my hands and top were covered with blood and I had a path of it following me. He looked at me approaching him and ran towards me. I was trying to tell him I needed paper towels. He figured it out and went to the car trying to find tissues for me. The "daughter" came out back and came over to me and asked if I was alright and I couldn't answer her and it was pretty obvious that I wasn't. Then she said, "You went through a window. That's not a door." and she said it in such a way which made me feel even stupider.
Anyway, my nose stopped bleeding, and I was fine other than my hurt pride.
Guess the point of my posting this and why on earth I thought of this by reading Pappy's posting is this...
I have always thought I was not as good as other people, not as bright, pretty, on and on ad nauseum. Since I have been sober, I am trying to realize that God made everyone special. I have every right to feel like it is okay if things happen and I make mistakes and do human things as long as it is not something I do to try and hurt another human being intentionally. I am trying to feel like my being here on this earth and taking care of necessary things, whether it is taking my junk to an auction house, calling to set up appointments, asking a favor--within reason--, etc. is okay and not to feel like I am imposing. I certainly don't want others to feel like they are imposing on me for anything and so I need to give myself a break. I did read that so many alcoholic children of alcoholics feel this way and that is why I am posting this.
(Oh, and BTW....and I do have a fear of very clean and very large windows now, but am working on my fear list and will add that to it. And I am not kidding about that.)
BTY
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 11:10:44 AM
-- Edited by betterthanyesterday52 on Wednesday 5th of March 2014 11:17:13 AM
So often I relate completely to your posts and I find myself thinking "I thought it was just me". I know that this feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin has always played a significant part in my drinking. The relief from feeling like all eyes were on me, judging me, just waiting for me to do or say the wrong thing was what I got from alcohol. Temporarily of course...until it made everything much much worse. I'm getting better at accepting myself and my flaws and with the realization that the world isn't fixated on me just waiting to pounce when I stumble.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.
BB pg 62
I read this quote and tgen re-read it half a dozen more times to let it really sink in. Then I sent it to a friend who is even sicker than I am.
BTY ... ... ... God made each and everyone of us uniquely different, for a reason ... ... ... some of us were granted one or more talents to work with and use ... this could be looks, a gift working with difficult people, cooking, mechanical abilities, those that heal, those that work menial but important tasks, and thousands of other skills useful to mankind itself ... it is up to us to come to know what we have received by grace and to use this or these talents in doing God's will for us ... this does not mean we were born without flaws ... to be human is to be something less than perfect ... and that too, is God's way of teaching us humility ... to seek to 'overcome' these flaws so we can experience growth and love in His/Her care ...
This is all part of the bigger picture ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Before sobriety, I was going through life refusing to accept my own humanity -- which means I wouldn't acknowledge that I have flaws, weaknesses, and failings. I had a big ego and a small brain. What a relief it was to finally just be human and be part of the rest of humanity. The Big Book showed me how to become human. Mike D.
During that time, I was drinking heavily and I am not sure if I had any drinks before we left, but I did have hangovers everyday from the previous day, which didn't help my focus.